M*A*S*H

Boy, this leg's a mess.

They said he was lying in the mud for at least a day.

Sponge for him and an aspirin for me.

"Rosie the Riveter" is logging some overtime in my head.

How many more wounded left? That's it.

Unless you wanna count me. It was inevitable, Klinger.

Carrying the weight of that nose all these years

finally snapped your neck.

Nah, my muscles tightened up. I musta slept in a draft.

Oh! Colonel, that group from the U. N. is here.

Great gopher holes! It slipped my mind.

Make that two aspirin.

Uh, can I have your attention, please?

Let's have a little quiet here.

Oh! That'll do, Major.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

The U. N. Has sent some folks from various countries

to tour our medical facilities.

The tourists haven't stopped since this war got four stars in the Michelin Guide.

Please let me get through this, Pierce. I wanna go lie down.

They're here to take a 24hour looksee

at how a MASH unit operates.

You've gotta watch this dirty wound for gangrene.

Hunnicutt, you've got some serious doctoring to do.

The rest of us, since we don't have any decent excuses,

we'll all guide them.

And, of course, this is postop.

From here they go on to the evac hospital in Seoul.

When was the last time that dressing was changed?

Uh, Captain Video to Major Houlihan. Over.

Mmhm. When was the last time

Uh, this morning. Aha. Thank you.

Captain Pierce is our chief surgeon.

Major Houlihan our head nurse.

This is Captain Rammurti Lal of the Indian Army.

Dr. Randolph Kent from England.

Mr. Per Johannsen, the U. N. Delegate from Sweden. Oh, Sweden!

Oh, I've always wanted to visit Sweden.

I hear the scenery is so tall.

Uh, d uh Thank you.

Captain Lal and Mr. Johannsen will share the V. I. P. quarters.

Dr. Kent will bed down with you in the medics' bunkhouse. Oh.

Well, it's not exactly Buckingham Palace,

but every morning we do have the changing of the mice.

Ah, I see you make use of humor as a weapon against war.

Why don't you all get settled in your quarters?

What we charitably refer to as lunch

will be coming up in half an hour.

And then coming up again in two hours.

That was a good one too.

If you gentlemen will follow me.

Give him penicillin, two million units every six hours,

and a gram of streptomycin q12h.

Keep a close eye on his leg.

Dr. Kent, meet Dr. Winchester.

Oh. My pleasure. Doctor.

Ah, Schubert's "Trout". One of my favorite pieces.

You are You are a devotee of chamber music?

I spent summers with my parents in San Remo on the Italian Riviera.

They have a marvelous music festival.

So I've heard. Please, how fortunate you were.

Uh, our summer place is in the Berkshires

just a baton's throw away from Tanglewood.

Back at Crabapple Cove, we had a great summer home.

It was the back porch of our winter home.

We winter in, uh, Boston. Beacon Hill, of course.

We live in Sussex.

Um, on some 35 acres or so of rolling green hills. Uh, Lion's Heart.

I prefer to winter here. Rat's Lair.

Well, tata. I'm off to lunch.

On the way out, I hope I don't fall in the moat.

Howdy, partner.

How's it lookin', Doc? How's it feel?

There's too much pain to tell.

Who's the girl?

The one not wearing the bib is my wife.

The other one's my daughter, Rachel.

Mmm. My little girl's name is Erin.

I guess I'll be gettin' back to see my girls soon, huh?

I hope so. Is my leg comin' with me?

What gives you the idea that it won't?

It really hurts.

And I seem to be getting a lot of attention.

There was quite a bit of dirt in the wound.

But I got it all cleaned out. You're gonna be just fine.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Oh, no, no. It is I who should be excused, Colonel,

for imposing on your, uh, most generous hospitality.

Uh, but I wanted to be alone for my meditation.

Yoga is a wonderful way of relieving inner tension.

Well, to each his own.

My way of relieving inner tension is to get an aspirin.

You will find the aspirin on the, uh, bottom shelf.

Why, so it is.

What are you, a swami too? No, no. Far from it.

The practice of yoga has taught me to read upside down.

Ah. Thanks very much.

On Sundays, this mess tent doubles as our chapel.

It's particularly wellsuited for this as it sleeps 85.

Now if you'll just follow me over to the serving area,

we can pick up our trays and chisels.

Oh, Mr. Johannsen? Uh, let me fix a tray for you.

I don't understand, Margaret.

You never fix a tray for me. What about you, Charles?

She ever fix a tray for you? No.

Come on. Smart people ignore him.

Uh, may I? Oh, please.

Thank you.

I'd, um I'd skip today's dessert.

In my tent, I have a brandied fruitcake from home.

Please, I couldn't.

A man's personal fruitcake is sacred. No, I'd be honored.

Well, if you insist.

You won't regret it.

The cake is laced with a particularly fine brandy

that I first encountered at a marvelous little restaurant in France.

Perhaps you've heard of it. Uh, uh, Le Pied du Cheval in Bordeaux?

Le Pied du Cheval is in Lyons.

Yeah. (chuckles) Oh, of course.

I guess I had so much brandy

that Lyons began to look like Bordeaux.

At any rate, it was the most exquisite meal of my life.

Le Pied du Cheval is a thirdrate tourist trap

where French lorry drivers take their wives on their birthdays.

Well, y you know, I had just arrived in in France.

Perhaps my palate was disoriented.

Well, the time zones.

Well, if the complications are just minor,

then how come a second trip to the O. R.?

Union rules. Don't worry. We just have to clean out the wound again.

Okay. Whatever you say, Doc.

Do you have a moment, Dr. Pierce?

Sure.

Uh, Captain, when we were in the mess tent

I sensed that, uh, you are not happy

with the attention Major Houlihan gives me.

Margaret and I are just friends.

Have yourself a hell of an evening.

I see. Uh, you don't look very happy

for a guy who's about to feel the earth move

without the aid of artillery.

Uh... Can I talk to you in private?

Captain, under normal circumstances,

I would be overjoyed at the prospect

of spending an evening with Major Houlihan.

But?

Her intentions only serve to present me

with an embarrassing and frustrating situation.

What's the matter? You married?

I'm afraid not.

What's the problem?

When I first came to Korea a year and a half ago,

uh, I was involved in an unfortunate accident.

A jeep in which I was riding drove over a land mine.

Uh, I was wounded.

Nerve damage has left me impotent.

POTTER (chanting): Mani Padme Hum.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

Om... Are you all right, sir?

Oh, I'm fine, Klinger. Just fine.

What're you doing? This is yoga, son.

Captain Lal says meditation helps rid the body of tension.

Is that why you're singing "Oh! My Papa"?

I'm not. It's a mantra.

It's supposed to put me in touch with

universal consciousness and my real self.

But if you got a headache,

shouldn't you stay off your head for a few days?

Actually, I'm starting to feel better. No kidding?

Here we are, gentlemen, our most important stop.

This operating room is the heart of the 4077th.

It ain't fancy, but 97% of the wounded who come in here alive

go out the same way.

Sorry, folks, we have to go to work in here.

What's up? Lumley.

His temperature's up. His blood pressure's down. His leg is draining like mad.

It's definitely gas gangrene. Gonna have to take his leg?

Poor kid. Damn!

Oh. May I join you?

Of course, Major. You can take over for us.

We're due in postop anyway.

Well, good night, Per. It's been a pleasure talking to you.

Yeah. We really hate to leave.

I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to leave here, either.

Forgive me, Major. Uh, I'm exhausted.

I haven't slept since I left Tokyo. Oh.

So, I think I'd better be getting back to my tent.

Oh, I was so looking forward to talking to you.

Couldn't you stay for just one drink?

Uh, very well. One drink.

Uh Uh, bartender?

So, you're from Sweden.

Oh, I've always loved Hans Christian Andersen. Thanks.

I can't tell you how many times I've read

The Little Mermaid and Hans Brinker.

Actually, Hans Christian Andersen, uh, was from Denmark.

That's right. Oh...

I always get those two confused.