Tales from the Darkside

Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

Lockjaw is looking real mean tonight.

ln his own corner, Basher's in trouble.

lt's the reverse headlock!

Chocolate chip or peanut butter, sweetie?

Chocolate chip, Mom.

Rip his arm off and feed it to him, you puke!

Gouge his eyes out!

-Hit him! -Bite him!

Come on, Basher, give him a hiplock!

Don't try to wrestle him, you ninny!

Basher's got Lockjaw tied up in his own corner.

lt looks like a great opening for Basher.

Only women fight fair!

But look at that!

Ryan has handed his fighter the brass knuckles!

Another typical dirty move by Ryan!

Come on, Basher, clobber him!

Go!

Cookies?!

Didn't you forget the strained carrots?

-Ooh! -(crowd booing)

You dirty little slime.

You little...

Oh... Whoa!

Basher's the top dog now.

That's who they're cheering for-- hah!

lt ain't over yet.

Whoa-whoa-whoa...!

Ooh!

Time for your cookies and milk, sweetie.

Okay, Mom.

Basher Malone is about to administer

the coup de grace with his patented Basher-gram.

And you know what that is--

that's a one-way ticket to la-la land!

Cupcake!

You've had a real vendetta

against the fighters on Tippy Ryan's team

ever since you came into professional wrestling, Basher.

Until l came on the scene,

Tippy Ryan's thugs were the only role models

that impressionable young children had

in pro wrestling.

Kids need a righteous hero, like myself, to look up to.

A square-dealing, straight-shooting,

clean-fighting man.

TlPPY: Heh!

Oh-ho, this must be a humiliating experience

for you, Tippy Ryan.

Basher Malone has degraded, debased, de-maimed

and dismantled every fighter in your stable.

Tippy, what do you want to do with this guy?

Get him out of the ring,

-you jerk! -Ooh!

You help him!

Don't just stand there!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a very pretty sight.

Yeah?

Yeah, listen, boss...

there's no way l can beat Basher Malone

with the wimps you keep sending me.

l need your top gun-- a skull crusher!

No, no, no, no, listen, boss,

if l get Basher Malone in the ring

with one of your boys from the Fire and Brimstone League,

our troubles'll be over.

Yeah.

And, kids, don't forget what the Basher tells you.

Brush your teeth

after every meal, do your homework,

and listen to your mom when she...

l got the meanest, the slimiest,

the dirtiest fighter of all time,

if you've got the guts, Basher Malone.

What's the matter, you need a note from your mommy?

Any time and any place, you pencil-neck.

Midnight, my gym.

No audience, no refs...

no holds barred.

Don't worry, Mom, l know what l'm doing.

l'm gonna nip this thing right in the bud.

Though l walk through the valley of darkness,

l fear no evil,

because my son is the toughest son of a gun

in the whole darn valley.

TlPPY: How touching.

Where's your fighter?

Yeah, this is Tippy Ryan.

Can you send up my special order, please?

Of course l've got an account with ya!

Jerk.

(switches clank, electricity hums)

Who are you?

My job is to get impressionable young kids

to root for dirty fighters like Lockjaw Lukasec!

And my client takes over from there.

Well, l happen to be very good at my work.

30 years my gym has produced a steady stream

of the dirtiest fighters

for the, for the wrestling profession!

My wrestlers have-have gouged and kicked

and maimed their way to the top!

Most important of all...

a whole generation of kids

grew up with these lowlifers as their heroes!

Then you come along...

and now everybody wants to cheer for the good guy.

Everybody wants to cheer for you, Basher Malone.

Everybody wants to wear Basher Malone T-shirts

and walk little old ladies across the street.

They want to look like you, Basher Malone,

they want to talk like you, they want to dress like you!

Worst of all, they want to be drippy Goody Little Two-shoes

just like you, Basher Malone!

Well, you want to fight evil?

l'll give you evil.

l'll give you something that a true crusader

only dreams about.

l'll give you the real thing.

Oh...

Basher Goody Two-shoes Malone,

meet your next and final opponent...

Trog!

He's accustomed to a much warmer climate down there.

Folks...

show time.

All right, come on, come on, both of you.

Now, on my left...

he weighs 267 pounds,

he's the challenger,

from Good Ship Lollipop Land...

...Basher Malone.

TlPPY: You might say that

Trog is a true product of his environment.

His weight rises

with the inverse ratio of the purity of his opponent's soul.

By that, l mean... the more sinful his opponent,

the heavier he becomes.

And some of those sinners down there,

he has hit as high as 80,000 pounds.

My boy is as pure as the driven snow.

his fight will be two falls out of three, winner take all,