Bob's Burgers

Ugh! Another assembly about the Land Ship.

We do this every year, and it's always the same thing.

It makes me sick! I like the Land Ship.

It's an important part of our town's history.

And there's a parade. That's fun.

I've been practicing my parade wave.

- Hi! - Hi!

Look! Ghost Boy!

- There's one in the boys' locker room, too. - I know.

- What? - What? I just heard... about it.

Before we start,

there has been a rash of graffiti

at school and in our community.

I want to say something to Ghost Boy, whoever you are.

Graffiti is not cool.

Not doing graffiti is cool.

Cleaning graffiti is cool.

- Right, Mr. Branca? - Very cool.

All right, now that that's out of the way,

please welcome the man who puts the "actor" in "reenactor,"

Jim Skillman as Miss Patience Headbottom.

Yay! Oh.

My name is Patience Headbottom.

I'm a 13-year-old girl.

I lived during the War of 1812.

And I'm here to tell you all the story of...

- The Land Ship. - The Land Ship!

Correct. Even though I had cholera...

... I played a big part in the battle

that made this ship famous.

I didn't know cholera made you boring and old and a man.

The British were going to attack.

Our town had only one small ship protecting us.

My idea was to move the frigate onto land.

The night of the British attack was humid

and filled with great tension.

- Just like my farts. - Shh, Gene.

The townspeople dragged the ship up onto shore,

close to what in your world

is now the Fashion City Outlet Mall.

Hey, guys, come on.

We lit the lights on the ship,

hoisted the sail

and rocked the ship back and forth

to make it seem like it was on the water.

When the British sailed in to attack,

they misjudged the coastline

and ran aground before they could fire a shot.

A peaceful end to a dangerous situation.

And then we swarmed their ships and slaughtered them like sheep.

- Oh. Right. - I hope you all come

as we rock the boat at the Land Ship parade this weekend.

And now, the sea shanty commemorating the sloop

that duped the British.

Let's just leave while it's still dark in here.

- Good idea. Let's jam, Tam. - Hey, wait for me.

I don't think we're allowed to leave until it's over.

Ugh, Tina, you're such a goody two boobs.

- No, I'm not. - Oh, yes, you are.

- You're like an unsalted pretzel. - What do you mean?

I mean that you're bland, and I mean that you're boring.

You're like if school and news had a baby.

It's kind of true, Tina.

Get some spice into you, girl!

I can be spicy.

Look my shoe's untied, and I'm not even gonna retie it.

Actually, I am. I could trip. Oh, they're gone.

I'm so excited for the Land Ship parade!

I know. I'm so glad that gas line blew on Front Street,

and they rerouted it this way.

Sorry, Front Street. You blew it!

Think of all the business we're gonna get!

Sweet Land Ship business.

Uh... what's happening?

Oh, no. No, no, no! No, no!

Stop! Don't put those there!

This is where they told me to put 'em.

Please. This is my restaurant right here.

You... you can't put Porta Pottis in front of a restaurant.

- They stink! - Not yet. They're gonna.

There's an empty storefront right next door.

You can move them there.

- You can move your restaurant. - No, I can't.

- Yeah. You could rent that space. - That's absurd!

Hey, Bob,

I see you're getting ready for the parade.

Ha, ha!

Fart noise!

Shut up, Jimmy!

There, there, right back at you.

You guys have a lot of fun, huh?

Where's a good place to eat?

Is that place across the street any good?

- Looks good. - No!

Hey, guys, lunch break in ten!

We're goin' over to that pizza place across the street!

Don't go there! I just told you it isn't good. Eat here!

Nah. We're not gonna eat at a restaurant

with Porta Pottis in front of it. It's disgusting.

Quittin' time!

Can't wait to get this monkey suit off.

- Hey, do you guys think I'm an unsalted pretzel? - I could eat.

No, am I, like, bland and a safe snacking choice?

I was just wondering if that's what people think of me.

Oh, I don't think people think of you.

Well, I want people to think I'm spicy and fun and dangerous.

Like a bullet made of chorizo?

- Kind of. - Where are you going?

Oh, I have to renew a library book.

It's not due today, but I don't want to cut it too close.

Spicy!

Hi, Mr. Ambrose. I need to renew this book.

Renewed.

Oh, my God, this book isn't due for three days.

What's wrong with you?!

- I'm being responsible. - Ugh.

Mr. Ambrose, can I see that book for a second?

Look at as many books as you want. It's a library.

Ghost Boy. Who returned this book?

- It's on the card. - There's only one name... Jordan Cagan.

Then that's who checked it out.

Go away!

Jordan Cagan is Ghost Boy?

Okay, I'm gonna start piling

these books up so I can't see you.

- Okay. - Now just glasses.

Now just bangs. Now you're gone.

Jordan Cagan can't be Ghost Boy. He wears sweaters.

It can't be him. He's drinking whole milk.

Yeah, it can't be him.

- Oh, my God, it's him! - Tina Belcher?

- Ghost Boy? - Oh, great. I guess that's it. Are you gonna turn me in?

You're like an unsalted pretzel.

You're like if school and news had a baby.

Get some spice into you, girl!

Ugh!

No, Jordan, I'm not gonna turn you in.

I'm gonna turn myself in... to something else.

_

Aah! I mean, come in.

- Night, Tina. - Good night.

I'm going to sleep right now.

I'm pretty much already falling asleep.

Dozing off. Mm.

Okay.

"See you soon... baboon."

Wait, spice it up.

"See you soon, bitch."

Too spicy, too spicy.

Oh, God, I sent it. Okay, it's fine.

So you do the little Ghost Boys with your marker during the day,

and the bigger Ghost Boys at night with spray paint?

And you could get caught,

but you don't care because the rush is so good?

And Ghost Boy's supposed to be you?

No, it's... it's just something I draw.

Oh, I thought maybe because you feel invisible like a ghost

- since you don't have any friends. - What?

Also, the ghost is shaped like a "J."

Oh, my God. I'm shaped like a "J."

No, you're not. The...

- It's the first letter of your name. - Oh, right.

- You're really smart, huh? - Very.

So do we blow on it now to dry it,

or does it just dry on its own, or... ?

Oh, no. We have to run away now.

Good idea.

They'll never suspect us if we're running.

The good Porta Potti is out of toilet paper,

but full of memories.

Gene, I told you not to use those.

They're for the Land Ship parade, and we hate them.

Aw! My tired Tina.

You sleepy, honey?

Yeah, I'm tired.

But I've never felt more alive.

Oh! Puberty! Gross.

Uh-oh. I think I left my backpack in the Porta Potti.

- I'll go get it. - Someone just went in there.

Maybe they'll finish my math homework for me.

Maybe they'll start it, too.

Ghost Boy strikes again!

I want to rip this up and sell it.

No wait! Gift it to a museum.

Take the write-off.

Yeah! Gift it, Zeke!

Wow! Look at that.

Ah, da, da, da, da! This is not to be admired!

You saying that makes me admire it more.

Oh, uh, then look at that great graffiti!

- I love it! - No!

Just everyone go inside!

No, ma'am. Ma'am,

I know about the Land Ship parade.

I just want to move them 30 feet, and that's it.

Oh, you're a man? What... what was I saying?

I think this is going well. He's got a way with people.

So, hey... man, if we don't move the Porta Pottis,

I'm gonna lose all my business.

- I need them moved! - You tell 'em, Bobby!