The Big Bang Theory

Hey, Bernie.

Hey, how's my little astronautie hottie?

Okay, I guess.

It's just, being cooped up in this...

tin can for weeks on end is starting to get to me.

Well, hang in there. You just have a couple more

days to go, and then you'll be home.

I know.

I got to get back to work.

I love you.

Love you too.

Hey, Bernie?

Before you go, can you do something for me?

What do you want me to do?

Okay, here it is.

I really miss gravity.

Can you drop something so I can watch it fall?

Really, you're serious?

Okay.

Oh, baby, you're killing me.

Ugh.

Hey, Sheldon?

Hi. This came for you today.

It's from your mom.

Oh!

Thank you, Penny. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, w... here.

For your troubles.

Oh, boy, a whole dollar.

Now, I can quit my paper route.

So, what's in it?

Mmm, doesn't matter.

Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box.

Yeah, it's journals and research papers I wrote as a child.

Aw, how cute.

Is this like a diary?

No, that's my potty training journal.

Really, your potty training journal?

Yeah.

And forgive my crude penmanship.

I didn't start typing until I was six.

"August 7, 8:42 a.m. This is humiliating.

What was wrong with diapers?"

There are some charts in the back

where I kept track of shape, color

and consistency. Oh!

Disgusting.

No, what's disgusting is he's still keeping track.

Why do you need all this stuff...?

No, no, no, no... Sorry!

I am glad you asked.

Oh!

Yeah, are you familiar with the Higgs boson?

Of course, it is... it's been in the news.

And it's a very famous boson.

Nice try.

Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs,

accomplished self-promoter and physicist,

he wrote a paper postulating the existence

of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson.

Now, initially,

the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right.

And now he's on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.

Yeah, that's basically what I said. Yeah...

The point is Higgs is being celebrated for work

he did 50 years ago, so that

got me thinking, perhaps I've already hit

upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize.

I didn't know they gave Nobel prizes

for making boom-boom in the potty.

You really think

there's some kind of scientific discovery in here?

Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school.

There's a good deal more to come.

I didn't really hit my academic stride until I cut out

that time-suck known as "playing outdoors."

So, you're going to spend

hours and hours combing through all this stuff?

That's a good point.

My time is much too valuable.

You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me.

You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding

of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labor.

Not gonna happen.

Yeah, well, if I didn't think you could handle it,

I wouldn't be asking.

If you want help, just hire a grad student.

Maybe I could do it.

You, really?

You can assess the quality of my work?

Okay, um, here.

I wrote this when I was five years old.

"A proof that algebraic topology can never have a non-self

contradictory set of abelion groups."

I'm just a blonde monkey to you, aren't I?

You said it, not me.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

All right, Ms. Jenson.

Uh, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment?

Water, coffee, tea,

a marijuana cigarette?

No, thanks. I'm fine.

Now, are you sure?

Everyone's smoking them.

I think they're the best.

I don't do drugs.

Excellent, yeah.

That was a ruse.

They're not the best.

Physics is the best.

And by the way,

coffee was also an unacceptable choice.

All right, so I see here you're from Des Moines, Iowa.

Uh, you're summa cum laude in theoretical physics

from Stanford University.

Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection.

I hope that didn't cause any hearing loss.

No, of course not.

How did you know about that?

I did a comprehensive background check.

Medical records, credit reports, criminal history.

I trust you paid off those parking tickets.

Yes, I did.

Hearing unimpaired, good.

Look, Dr. Cooper, I really want this position.

It would be an incredible honor to work

for a man of your brilliance.

Flattery will not get you this job, Ms. Jenson.

It's not flattery if it's the truth.

Oh, well, thank you.

Welcome aboard.

You talk to Howard lately?

Uh, yeah, last night.

He kept making me drop pencils for him.

I got uncomfortable.

Hey, Sheldon, hope you're hungry.

They're serving macaroni and...

cheese.

Smooth.

Hi.

Hello.

Sheldon, aren't you going to introduce us?

No. I have people for that now.

You're up.

I'm Alex, Dr. Cooper's new assistant.

Ah, congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul.

I'm Leonard. This is Raj.

It's nice to meet you.

I'm so excited to be working with Dr...

Yeah, please reserve

chitchat for your breaks, Ms. Jenson.

Yeah, FYI, there will be no breaks.

I should probably get to work.

She seems nice.

Hey, you already got a girlfriend.

I call dibs.

All I said was, "She seems nice."

Yeah, well, I love her.

Hey, I wasn't expecting to hear from you today.

Everything okay?

Uh, no, not really.

What's wrong?

Well, remember the... Soyuz capsule

they were sending to bring us home?

Uh-huh.

It's delayed.

We're gonna be here at least another week.

Maybe ten days.

It's the Russians, so you don't know.

They left dogs up here in the '60s.

Come on, Howard.

No one's leaving you up there.

I don't know how much longer I can take this.

I can't sleep, and zero gravity is giving me crazy acid reflux.

I'm down to my last three Tums.

You're going to be fine.

You survived that Weight Watchers cruise with your mom.

And they ran out of low-fat ice cream on day two.

Just calm down and take a few deep breaths.

Okay, okay.

What am I doing? I'm using up all the oxygen.

If I die, promise you'll never have sex with another man.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a man-eater now.

Okay, for the final touch, this is an eyelash curler.

You just place it on your lashes and squeeze it closed.

Oh, I don't know.

Looks like something used by Tinker Bell's gynecologist.

Who I hope for her sake is not Captain Hook, so...

Who are you calling?

I'm going to video-chat Sheldon.

Mmm.

If my new look leads to phone sex,

I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room.

Dr. Cooper's office.

Oh, hello. Who are you?

I'm Alex, Dr. Cooper's assistant.

Can I help you?

I'd like to speak to Sheldon.

I'm sorry. He's asked me to hold all calls