It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Goddamn it.

Come on, get in there!

Charlie, what are you doing, man? What are you...

- What's going on over here? - Oh, I'm trying to get

each of my toes

in these five-fingered shoes, you know what I mean?

But there's, like, something's dropping off

and I can't tell where my pinky is.

Why did you get the stupid five-finger shoes?

Well, you're always yelling at me for taking my shoes off in laser tag,

so I figured I'd get some shoes

that are like... a lot more like bare feet.

- I don't know why you're always yelling at me about... - Well, I'm always

yelling at you because when you're taking your shoes off,

you're not holding your gun.

And also, you know, the cheese you've eaten,

it-it's always oozing out of your feet and it's an awful smell.

That's the cheese I hide in my shoes,

- that's where it is. - Okay, well... What?

I can't even, like, fit cheese in these shoes.

- These things suck. - Just guard the base, man.

Kind of sick and tired of guarding the base.

What if we go out there, run around?

I want to go out there and have some fun, man.

We gotta guard the base. That's what we always do,

and that's what we figured out works a long time ago.

Plus, we're-we're waiting for Big Mo.

- Waiting for who? - We're waiting for Big Mo, man.

The-the hotshot kid and his crew

that are climbing up the leaderboard.

Yeah, he's gonna be gunning for our base

and we need to protect it.

Ah, who gives a shit, man? There's always

some hotshot kid gunning for our base.

Look, Charlie.

How long we been playing laser tag?

- A long time. - A long time, baby. Yeah.

Some people might think that's sad, but that's not sad.

- I think... I think it's awesome. - That's not sad, that's cool.

I think the longer you're in the game, the better,

- you know what I mean? - Yes, yeah, no, definitely.

Look. We're the best, we're-we're awesome,

but, um, I'm-I'm done. I'm moving on.

- I'm... - No, no, no, no, no! No, stop. Stay.

We're playing the game the way we always play it,

and we're...

waiting for Big Mo.

_

All right.

Everything's going to plan out there.

Yeah, but it does sound like

people are out there having fun, you know?

- What's with you today, man? - I don't know.

I'm bored. I want to do something different.

What about, uh, what if we do some riddles?

- Riddles? - Yeah.

Frank and I have been doing a lot of riddles

to kill the time, you know what I mean?

It's... I think we'll have a little bit more fun that way.

No. I'm just gonna guard the base.

Yeah, I know, but here it comes.

Why do blind people hate skydiving?

I don't even understand how that's a riddle.

Well, 'cause it's a-a very hard one, okay?

- So try... take a guess. - I don't know. Why?

'Cause it scares the hell out of their dogs.

That's not a riddle.

Yeah, it's a riddle about blind people, you know?

- No. - And-and their dogs, I guess.

No, what you've told me is a joke.

No. Jokes are funny and that wasn't funny.

I didn't say it was funny.

Then how is it a joke, Dennis?

Um... Okay, you know what? Yeah.

No, that was a mind-bending riddle.

- Wow. - It's a tough one, 'cause you don't think...

- Warning. - Wait, wait, wait. Shh.

Listen.

That could be Big Mo. Get ready.

Get ready, here we go.

- Get off of me! - Ah! Get off me!

- Stop it! - Dennis, everything was going perfectly.

I was up in the air ducts, just like you said.

- Oh... - I was sniping at the red base.

I was at the blue base doing the exact same thing.

- What is...? - I tried to crawl down the ducts

and pass this uncoordinated monkey.

- We go by each other... - We got tangled up

and then she spit in my mouth, Dennis.

- She spit in my mouth. - I spit in your mouth

after you jammed me in the tit with your scrawny little elbow.

My elbows are massive and you have no tits!

- Your elbows suck! - Ah. Damn it!

Goddamn it, can you do nothing right? This is all your fault.

I've been warning you about your lack of elbow mass for weeks.

You idiot! You fool!

And you!

You're doing a great job.

Okay?

You are killing it out there, and I'm so proud of you!

- Now I need you both to get back up there and... - Wait.

I-I actually got an idea.

Like, what if you guys don't play the game

up in the air ducts this time,

but you go down on the floor?

Where everyone's having all the fun?

They look like they're having so much fun

- playing laser ta... - Will you shut up?!

This isn't about having fun. Okay?

This is about staying alive and winning. Okay?

And-and it's also...

it's also about getting these.

Now, Mac...

what are these?

Fun Zone dolla dolla bills, y'all.

Fun Zone dolla dolla bills, y'all.

Okay?

I'm trying to get that paper, son.

- All right? - Win, stay alive,

get dat money.

- Feel me? - I feel you.

- But those guys are having fun. - Yeah.

And doing something fun out there.

- And that's what I want to do. - Hey, man.

Could I talk to you for a second, please?

- Yeah. What's up? - What you doing, man?

Why-why you... why you mucking things up?

I mean, I got things down to a science, okay?

- Everything's working. - Stop it. - Ah, ah, ah!

I know, but, like, these guys are ready to kill each other.

- It's like... - I know, but that's what I want, okay?

I need their aggression at a ten.

That's when they're most effective.

So I withhold compliments from Mac,

because that makes him angry and subservient,

so he'll do what I tell him to do.

And I shower Dee with compliments

because she feels so undeserving of compliments

that she gets angry at herself

and she takes that anger out on the children.

- Oh. - See?

Okay. It's another riddle.

Let me think on that one, Dennis, 'cause I don't know the answer...

Okay. Yeah. You think on that for a while. I'm gonna do my thing.

- You stop. - You stop.

Goddamn it, Mac, you thin-elbowed little goblin.

You never cease to disappoint me in everything you do.

Now get back up in those ducts

and snipe those other kids' bases.

And don't come down until I tell you to. And Dee...

You really are killing it out there.

I'm so proud of you. You're so deserving of my love.

Yeah, see?

We just gotta keep playing the game the way we always have.

Yeah. Hey, is the answer to your riddle, uh,

an ice cube?

Yeah. Yep, you got it.

- That was a hard one. - Warning.

Pew, pew.

- Pew. - Oh.

Pew, pew. Pew, pew.

- Pew, pew. Oh. - What are you doing, man?

I'm killing it out there.

I haven't been hit once.

It's really a lot of fun.

But I wanted to come and hang out with you guys.

Hey, hey, Charlie, you want to do some riddles?

- No, we're not... No, that doesn't... - Yes. Yes, I do, hit me.

Is a fart a ghost?

Is a fart a ghost? Whoa, that's a hard one.

I don't know. What's the answer?

Yeah. It's the ghost of lunch. Ha-ha!

- Very good, man! - Good riddle.

- That's a good one. - Great.

- Yeah, yeah. - All right, so, off you go.

Hey, you know, that's also making me realize, dude,

- I'm pretty hungry, man. - Ooh.

- Yeah. Whoa. - Yeah, yeah.

Get some, get some cheese out of your shoes.

Yeah, you know what? I couldn't fit any,

'cause I got these stupid five-finger shoes.

- Yeah, I don't... - Hey, get back out there, man. - Yeah, yeah.

No, well, actually, go out to the lobby really quick

and get me, like, some chicken wings.

- You want hot sauce on 'em? - No.

I forbid it. Absolutely not.

What... Dude, what is the big deal, man?

- What's the big deal? Y... Uh... - Who even cares?

I mean, his pack's not even on, for crying out loud.

- Charlie. - What'd you say?

- Nothing. - It's time we told him, dude.

- No, it's... - It's time.

Uh...

My pack's not on?

I... We...

We-we turn your pack off

so that when you're running around getting shot up,

our team doesn't lose any points.

But my gun still makes noise.

Well, no... Well, that's you doing that, bud.