Cracker

PRIEST. Because God has chosen to call our brother Albert from this life to himself,

we commit his body to the earth, its final resting place.

For we are dust.

Unto dust we will return.

But the Lord will change our mortal bodies to be like his in glory,

for he is risen, the first-born from the dead.

So let us commend our brother Albert to the Lord,

that the Lord may embrace him in peace and raise up his body on the final day.

Amen.

Will you be all right?

- You're not going? - Yeah.

I was going to ask you to clear out his things.

I can't do it.

Taxi's here.

- What'll you do with it? - Oxfam.

- Bye, love. - Bye, Dad.

Hello? - It's me.

Where are you? - Just gone for a quick drink.

No more bets now, thank you.

You're in a casino.

Sheer accident. Thought it was a theme park.

20, 40, 60, 80, F100 cash.

Not the pregnant pause, please. Anything but the pregnant pause.

How long will you be? - I won't be long.

I'll see you later, then. Enjoy yourself.

And how was Damascus?

It's - it's OK, honestly.

- Right. Bye.

Bye.

100 cash.

Ferochous dog.

Ten letters. Third one's T.

- Rotweiller. - Oh, yeah.

How do you spell it?

R- O-T-W-E-I, double L, E-R.

Double T.

It's two Ts, one L.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Cheese made backwards. Four letters.

It's two Ts, one L.

- Don't make any difference, Albie. - It's wrong.

- Because it makes no difference, that's why. - Because he's been to university?

Oh, piss off.

Are you OK?

I buried my father today.

I'm sorry.

No more bets now, thank you.

19. Red.

The Guardian and a packet of those tea bags.

Two pounds four pence, please.

I'll have to owe you the four p.

Sorry.

I'll pass it in tonight on my way to work.

Sorry.

- This comes to F1.98 in Scott's. - Then go to Scott's.

- He's shut. - Exactly.

I'll be back with your four p, right?

How much?

You had the meter in fast-forward, did you?

- Where have you been? - Out.

- What? - Out.

What?

Every time I come home, it's the same. "What time do you call this?"

- "Who have you been with?" - Where have you been?

- Blah-de-blah-de-blah. - Oi!

Well, now you know how it feels. Right?

- Sorry. - It's OK.

- Whisky? - Yeah.

Are you starting early or finishing late?

Trying to avoid a hangover.

Well, that's one way. Death's another, of course.

This isn't going according to script.

You're supposed to bollock me, Judith.

And then, in the middle of a particularly insulting sentence,

I go...

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Please...

I can't.

Remember me, eh?

Do you remember me, you robbing Paki bastard?

No.

Here's your four p, right.

Remember me now, eh?

Yes.

Treat people like scum, they start acting like scum, you know what I mean?

You know what I mean, you robbing Paki bastard?

Please don't call me "Paki".

I'm a socialist me, pal. Trade unionist. Voted Labour all my bleeding life.

I've marched for the likes of you.

But you just see me in my clobber.

You hear the accent and you assume things.

You assume the right to treat me like scum.

Well, OK, you robbing Paki bastard, you treated me like scum,

- now I'm acting like scum. - Please don't call me "Paki".

- Now I'm acting like scum. - Criticise me in what I do, but not what I am.

I haven't come here to listen to you, pal.

I earn my poverty, you know what I mean.

If you think I'm robbing you, fine. Criticise me for that. Don't call me Paki.

I work hard for my pittance and you think you can rip me off.

No. You're a robbing Paki bastard.

Get out of my shop!

I call you a robbing bastard, what happens?

You get the Queers Award to Industry cos this country's full of robbing bastards.

But I called you a robbing Paki bastard. That's really gonna hurt, isn't it?

That's a bit of a weapon I've got. That's the only weapon I've got.

Unless you count this one.

Do you see this one? Do you see it?

Do you get the point, eh?

Do you get the point?

double O... L... Liverpool FC

Five past eight, no later, because the eight o'clock news wasjust started.

- DCI Bilborough, DS Penaligon, this is Mr... ... Gregson.

Mr Gregson found the body. He bumped into a skinead on the way in.

- Did he say anything to you? - He was dead.

- No, the skinead. - No.

Would you recognise him if you saw him again?

It was a skinead, you know what I mean? They all look alike.

- Have you mentioned this to anybody else, sir? - Just the police.

I'd like to keep it that way, if that's OK. Just between you and us?

Yeah.

Keep it under your hat.

Leave it!

- It keeps landing on the blood. - See to the crowd. They're encroaching.

- I'm OK, boss. - I know you're OK. See to the crowd.

- Morning. - Morning.

- Family? - Upstairs.

- Did they see anything? - I haven't spoken to them.

- I was waiting for erm... - You want me to see them?

Yes.

Have you got that number? Yeah.

Get the paper and the tea bags, OK?

- What do you think? - I think he's dead.

Wasrt robbery.

Nothing to indicate a racial motive.

Nothing whatsoever. That's our line, OK?

Can you think of anyone who'd want to kill your father?

Several million.

All of them white.

Look, I know it's taken a bit longer than we said...

- Four months, three days. - OK, that's bad.

Accepted. Admitted. But we've cracked it now, OK?

We've found the problem.

We'll have it sorted by tonight.

No problem.

Look, we're not cowboys, OK?

We are not cowboys.

Statement at a press conference this mornng.

In the past, this area has seen a great deal of racial tension.

So I want to make it perfectly clear that there is no racial motive for this killing.

None whatsoever.

Obviously, we're anxious to speak to everybody who visited Mr Ali's shop this mornng.

Now, whether or not you saw anything,

whether or not you think you can help, it's vital that you come forward,

so we can eliminate you from our inquiries.

Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

- Can you turn the music off, please? - I can't hear you.

Can you turn the music off?

Can't hear you.

- Sit down and shut up! Oi! Oi!

We've got a warrant to search the premises, so we'll let you back to this as quick as we can.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

- I'm getting on to my lawyer. - This way, please.

- Lay off till he gets here, OK? - Come this way, please.

You know what I mean? I know my rights. I know my rights.

Skineads! Oi!

Skineads! Oi!

Skineads! Oh!

Skineads! Oh!

Skineads! Oh!

Skineads!

Hey, Einstein. Whose is that?

Skineads! Oh!

I want you down here now.

This place is crawling.

Ince is black.

Parker is black.

Dublin is black.

Schmeichel's a Dane. Jane, we'll have him!

Kanchelskis is a bloody Ukrainian and Cantona's French.

You stupid, soft sod.

We've got names and addresses for 68 Fascist Party members.

We're checking them out for previous.

49 with previous, 44 of them violent.

Right. Those 44 are top of the list.

Plain clothes, unmarked cars.

We don't want it known we're looking for a skinead.

A non-racial motive is still the official line.

We go early mornng. Any self-respecting skinead's still in bed with his dick in his hand.

If he's up and about, chances are he was up and about when Ali was murdered.

So get the alibi and check it out.

Am I boring you?

What?

Am I boring you?

No, boss.

Then listen.

Jane!

A Pakistani is killed in a racially-sensitive area

- and you print a story like this! - It's the truth.

- And that makes everything OK? - Yes.