The Sarah Silverman Program

Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman, and I'm just like you.

I live in Valley Village, I don't have a job and my sister pays my rent.

That's my sister, Laura. She's adorable.

These are my neighbours, Brian and Steve.

They're gigantic, orange and gay.

This is Doug. I found him in the trash.

That's just, like, a weird bald guy. I don't know who that is.

Let's see what else.

Some people call me on the phone. My parents are dead. I like cookies.

What are we doing this for? Does anyone know what this is for?

Tonight's episode of The Sarah Silverman Program

contains full-frontal Jew-dity.

I always wake up with the morning sun

I always take my pills with herbal tea

I always never cW and I've always wondered why

I always have to watch myself when I go pee

I really love my life And I'll also tell you what

If I find a stick I'll put it in your mama's butt

And pull it out And stick the doodie in her eye

And pull it out and stick

The doodie in her eye

Good morning, Laura, my adorable little sister.

Brian, Steve, my two gay friends.

- Actually, I'm bisexual. - Oh, my God.

- What? - Brian, you're gay.

Don't start this.

Bisexual. When have you ever been with a woman?

You guys, don't fight.

You should love each other and be sweet and good-looking,

- like me and Laura. - Thanks.

Oh, boy.

- I thought you sounded stuffy. - Thank you.

Yeah, maybe you're getting bisexual germs from Brian.

There is a time and a place for this conversation.

Name three parts of a woman's vagina.

Labia, the fallopian tube, the bumpy thing.

- Yeah. That's what I thought. - It doesn't prove anything!

Here, take this.

Go get yourself some cold medicine right away.

You don't want to be too sick for us to watch Cookie Party! Tonight.

Don't even say that. Nothing would ever come between

me and you watching our favourite TV show together.

Not even if I was in a coma with double pneumonia.

You know, it is kind of cool the way you guys have

this standing date every week.

I mean, most girls your age would have totally moved on by now,

you know, had relationships and kids.

Oh, no. Cookie Party! Is our relationships and kids.

- Nice one. - Thank you.

And on that note, I'm out of here.

- Take it easy. - Take it sleazy, beezy.

She's never had any lessons.

Oh, God.

Who's that?

That's my baby grandson. He's my favourite person in the world.

That's 'cause you haven't met me yet.

My favourite person is my sister, Laura.

It used to be Jared from the Subway commercials,

but I thought he got too preachy.

Well, you know, family is the most important thing in life.

- It's who you are. - That is so wise.

Well, that's just what comes with being 70.

No, you're not! There is no way you are 70!

- You look too young. - Well, thank you.

Now you really are my most favourite person in the world.

Now that you're closer I can tell you're old.

You little bitch.

Here we go.

This one has a duck on it.

No, thank you.

This one's orange.

Here we go.

That's the one. That is good.

"Maximum strength. Night-time use only."

Like my body knows what time it is. Advertisers!

Whoa!

It's beautiful.

Scotland!

Hey, Sarah.

You look really thin. You should eat something.

- Loch Ness Monster, you're the best. - I am.

- You're funny. - We're terrific together.

I love you.

Ma'am, do you know why I'm standing here?

You got all C's in high school?

Have you been drinking?

No, I got tired and I thought this would be a good place to pull over.

What are you so mad at me?

Why am I so mad at you?

When I asked for your driver's licence, you gave me this.

That's expired.

Here you go.

- "3,000." - It's...

What?

You know you are in a lot of trouble. Your car has been impounded.

You're facing huge fines and possible jail time. You understand?

- Sarah! - Laura!

Sarah. Officer, this is my sister.

Yeah, well, she belongs in the banana house, I'll tell you.

I beg your pardon?

I'm sorry. I...

It's a little inappropriate, you know. It's this job. It really...

You know, gets you sometimes. You get so damn...

No need to apologise. I kind of have an... job, too.

Really? Yeah.

- That's pretty. - Laura, stop flirting.

Like he's really gonna be interested in some sex addict with a tiny vagina.

Hey, listen. I don't know who put a nickel in you,

but it's time to make change.

Listen, your sister didn't really hurt anybody or destroy anything,

so I also believe she's learned her lesson, so...

I have. I have. Totally. Thank you. Thank you so much.

A thousand thank you's. I'll be in the car.

Well, hey, you know, I'll walk you out if...

- So your last name's Silverman, huh? - Yeah.

You know, I believe the Holocaust was completely uncalled for.

Don't worry about it.

So you kind of take care of this one, huh?

I guess so.

"Hi, I'm a cop and my face is a toilet."

"My sister, Sarah, is so pretty."

"I drink diarrhoea with my eggs for breakfast."

Our parents died when we were really young,

and she's the only family I have.

She's actually really smart.

Laura, your car smells like farts.

You know, being a cop, I've seen things that

would make you crap a book on how to puke.

But I've never seen your kind of compassion.

I mean, I guess,

obviously you take care of lots of other people all day long, as well.

Yeah.

Doesn't leave you much time to take care of yourself, does it?

Well, I guess I don't.

You know, maybe I could,

tonight, take care of your food situation.

What a boob.

- Sarah. - What a douche?

Officer Jay's taking me to dinner tonight.

Sweetie, you can't. We've got Cookie Party! Tonight.

- Well, we can just TiVo it. - Then we can't vote!

I mean, we can't... Then we can't vote. But who cares? So go.

I'll just watch it. I like to watch it live 'cause I like to vote.

But I will TiVo it for you. So you can watch it later by yourself.

So cool. I like this separate lives thing.

This is good.

Change is scary, and Laura and I have always watched Cookie Party! Together.

Always.

I mean, that's the only reason I really want to watch it with her.

It's not like she's so great. She punched me in the head once.

For no reason. When I was 12.

I used her mascara on my pubes, big deal.

I wanted to see what it looked like fuller.

It was a compliment. I wanted to be more like her.

She was my younger sister. She had this gigantic bush.

And she flaunted it. Do you know what that feels like?

I had peach fuzz and her vagina looked like Cat Stevens' face.

You know what?

I'm ready for this.