United States of Tara

PREVIOUSLY ON "UNITED STATES OF TARA"...

I NEVER EVEN BEEN WITH A CHICK BEFORE,

NEITHER HAVE I! SO...YOU THINK YOU'RE SKEEVED?

OH, JESUS CHRIST, IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN.

I'M -- I'M LOSING TIME AGAIN.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS BETTER.

COME ON, LET'S BUY THIS HOUSE!

IT'S NOT JUST A PAINT JOB.

YOU'D NEED A REAL CARPENTER, CONTRACTOR.

I CAN DO ALL THAT SHIT.

BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY.

I'D SULLY-RIG IT.

WHAT'S SULLY-RIG IT?

EH, SORT OF A TEMPORARY PERMANENT.

"GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANSGENDER ASSOCIATION."

YOU OUGHT TO PUT A LETTER IN FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME. EXCUSE ME?

MAYBE IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO PURPOSELY LEAVE ANYONE OUT.

THANK YOU.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

HEY, DID YOU TELL MY BUDDY YOUR GOOD NEWS YET?

WHY WOULD NEIL CARE?

CAN I PLEASE STAY HERE UNTIL THE WEDDING?

LIVE HERE?

YEAH.

THIS REEKS.

YEAH, TILL ONE DAY YOU LAND YOUR FIRST REALLY BIG FISH.

THIS IS MY BIG FISH -- LYNDA P. FRAZIER.

WHO IS THAT?

PRINCESS VALHALLA HAWKWIND.

I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE HER.

WELL, I'LL ALWAYS BE HER.

I JUST MET THE MOST AMAZING WOMAN IN THE WORLD.

I THOUGHT I WAS THE MOST AMAZING WOMAN IN THE WORLD. I GOT MY MIND LITERALLY BLOWN.

IF YOU LITERALLY HAD YOUR MIND BLOWN, YOUR BRAIN WOULD BE GONE.

WHO ARE YOU?

MARSHALL'S LADY FRIEND.

MARSHALL'S FRIEND.

WHAT THE FUCK YOU DO WITH MY BIKER BOOTS?

What do you want?!

I NEED THE BODY!

OH, BABY.

OH, BABY.

* OPEN UP THE SKY

* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH

* IT'S WINDY, AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

I'M FUCKED.

I JUST WOKE UP...AGAIN...

NAKED...AGAIN...

NEXT TO THAT WOMAN FROM THE GROCERY STORE

WHO HAS TWO KIDS AND A LA-Z-BOY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT BUCK'S BEEN DOING OVER THERE,

BUT IT CAN'T BE GOOD.

[ J.J. CALE'S "WISH I HAD NOT SAID THAT" PLAYS ]

IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS SINCE BUCK'S BEEN TAKING THE BODY.

"I JUST WANT IT FOR A FEW HOURS," HE SAID.

YEAH, A FEW HOURS A DAY.

FISH STICKS! FISH STICKS!

* YOU DON'T COME HERE TOO OFTEN *

HEY! I WANT THAT ONE.

* YOU MAKE MY DAY WHEN YOU COME AROUND *

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS HAPPENING NOW.

I MEAN... EVERYTHING AT HOME IS GREAT.

THE KIDS ARE THRIVING.

MAX HAS NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

AND HE KEEPS SAYING I'M THE BEST I'VE EVER BEEN.

LITTLE DOES HE KNOW THAT, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,

I AM A LIAR.

I MEAN, MY ALTERS HAVE LIED BEFORE,

BUT ME...TARA...

I NEVER HAVE.

I JUST CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO TELL HIM

I'M TRANSITIONING AGAIN.

IT'LL BREAK HIS HEART.

* WISH I HAD NOT SAID THAT, BABY *

I'D LIKE TO GET A REFILL ON MY DEPAKOTE.

MM-HMM.

NO, I'M GOOD ON THE RISPERDAL.

HOW ARE WE ON THE ZYPREXA?

'CAUSE I WOULDN'T WANT IT TO RUN OUT.

YOU NEED ALL THAT JUST TO GET THROUGH THE DAY?

SOMEONE'S A MESS.

OKAY, GREAT. I'LL PICK IT UP THIS AFTERNOON. THANKS.

THAT WAS THE PHARMACY.

I GATHERED.

WOW. YOU LOOK DOWNRIGHT...

DOABLE.

SHE LOOKS DOABLE, DAD.

OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M USED TO IT.

IT'S THE BURDEN OF KIDS BORN TO TEENAGE MOTHERS.

I SHOULD START A GROUP

CALLED "ADULT CHILDREN OF MOMS YOU'D LIKE TO FUCK."

Max: KATE. SIR.

THE HUBBARD HOUSE IS OFFICIALLY OURS.

HA HA! ESCROW JUST CLOSED.

WHOO-HOO! YEAH!

I'M GONNA CALL THIS CONTRACTOR AND GET HIM TO MEET ME OVER --

HEY, WHEN I'M DONE WITH THIS HOUSE

AND I FLIP IT AND WE MAKE A LITTLE PROFIT,

I'M TAKING YOU TO HAWAII, 'CAUSE MY HONEY LOVES THE SEA.

WELL, MY FRIENDS, I WOULD LOVE TO STAY,

BUT I HAVE DEBTS TO WHISPER.

OH, AND BY THE BY, IT'S OFFICIAL.

MARSHALL AND COURTNEY -- GAME ON.

COURTNEY -- THAT GIRL THAT WAS HERE AT DINNER?

MARSHALL'S DATING A GIRL?

WELL, I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE --

ON OPPOSITE DAY.

I BET SHE'S FANTASIZING HE'S EDWARD CULLEN.

YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST WILDLY POPULAR VAMPIRE NOVELS?

IT'S SO OBJECTIFYING,

LIKE VIRGINITY IS THIS PRIZED POSSESSION.

SUCH A SOPHOMORIC VIEW OF SEX.

I...THINK THEY ARE SOPHOMORES.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU THINK ABOUT SEX?

ME?

I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.

AREN'T YOU SORT OF DYING OF CURIOSITY?

I AM.

I GUESS.

THERE'S A MILLION THINGS I'M COMPLETELY CLUELESS ABOUT.

FOR EXAMPLE, DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DO "DOGS IN A BATHTUB"?

WHAT ARE -- WHAT ARE "DOGS IN A BATHTUB"?

EXACTLY.

SO, MARSHALL SAYS HE'S STRAIGHT NOW?

MM, I THINK HE'S CONFUSED.

WHO ISN'T, SISTER?

I'M NOT.

I'M MARRYING NICK, AND I'M ECSTATIC.

I HAD A GIRLFRIEND WHEN I WAS MARSHALL'S AGE.

WOW. YOU DATED WOMEN?

IT WAS THE '70s, HONEY.

GIRLFRIENDS, BOYFRIENDS -- IF IT COULD DANCE, I'D DO IT.

Charmaine: I WAS A "LUG" -- A LESBIAN UNTIL GRADUATION.

BUT IT WAS ONLY FOR ONE SEMESTER.

YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT ANY WOMEN.

HER NAME WAS GRETCHEN,

AND SHE WAS VERY PROUD OF HER VAGINA.

WHAT? UGH.

WHY DID GOD CALL IT A VAGINA?

WHY DIDN'T HE CALL IT SOMETHING CUTE AND FRENCH?

LIKE WHAT -- "CROUTON"?

I DO LOVE CROUTONS.

I ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT MAKES STRAIGHT WOMEN GO GAY.

OH, THAT'S EASY -- MENOPAUSE.

OPRAH DID A WHOLE SHOW ON IT.

I MEAN, I'M GONNA GO GAY WHEN I'M READY TO START EATING CARBS AGAIN.

ALL I KNOW IS, IT TOOK ME YEARS

TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I REALLY WANTED --

MEN, WOMEN, ET CETERAS.

I HAD TO DO A FULL INVESTIGATION.

YOU HAVE TO TOUCH IT, LIVE IT, TASTE IT TO KNOW IT.

YOU GOT TO GET UP IN IT.

WELL...HELLO, PAMMY.

WHY, HELLO.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

GOOD AFTERN-- GOOD AFTERNOON.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

OHH.

GOOD AFTERNOON, PAMMY.

UGH.

MAN, THIS IS THE THIRD TIME SULLY'S LATE.

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU GIVE HIM FOR MATERIALS?

MM, 300 BUCKS -- NOT THAT MUCH.

OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK YOU HAVE BEEN SULLY-RIGGED.

HE'LL SHOW UP.

SEE, WHAT YOU DON'T GET, NEIL,

IS PEOPLE CAN HAVE A HARD TIME,

THEN, OUT OF NOWHERE, THEY TURN IT AROUND.

PEOPLE CHANGE.

YEAH, YEAH, PEOPLE CHANGE, AND THEN THEY CHANGE RIGHT BACK.

IT'S BEEN MONTHS SINCE TARA GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL.

I MEAN, SURE, I WORRY,

BUT THE FACT IS, SHE'S HEALTHIER THAN EVER.

GOT THIS HOUSE WE'RE GONNA FLIP.

HELL, MARSHALL'S EVEN DATING A GIRL.

PEOPLE SURPRISE YOU.

YOU -- YOU THINK, LIKE, MAYBE CHARMAINE COULD, YOU KNOW,

COME AROUND OR COME BACK AROUND TO A FREAK LIKE ME?

YOU WANT MY OPINION?

MAYBE CHARMAINE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

MAYBE THERE'S SOME TERRIFIC WOMEN

WOMEN WHO CAN'T WAIT TO BE WITH A FREAK LIKE YOU.

I DON'T WANT A TERRIFIC WOMAN, MAN.

I WANT CHARMAINE.

HEY.

YOUR CHECK BOUNCED.

IS THAT YOUR RIDE?

SORT OF.

MY NEIGHBOR BLEW HIS BRAINS OUT, SO NOW I'M DRIVING IT.

YOU OWE ME MONEY.

OKAY.

HEY.