United States of Tara

PREVIOUSLY ON "UNITED STATES OF TARA"...

Ted: TAKE THIS FOR A SPIN.

WRITTEN BY MY OLD THERAPIST.

OH, THE MUCH-LAUDED SHOSHANA SCHOENBAUM, HUH?

TILL YOU FIND THE RIGHT DOCTOR.

YEAH, I'LL GIVE IT A LOOK.

OKAY, WHO ARE YOU?

I'M SHOSHANA SCHOENBAUM -- TARA'S NEW THERAPIST.

THIS IS TOO MUCH.

MAX, LISTEN.

TARA MAY HAVE HER PROBLEMS, BUT IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO.

YOU NEED TO LOOK AT YOU.

THIS IS MY BIG FISH -- LYNDA P. FRAZIER.

I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE HER.

WELL, I'LL ALWAYS BE HER.

PRINCESS VALHALLA HAWKWIND.

DAMN, GIRL, YOU'RE A SUPERSTAR.

WE'VE GOT SOME BIG NEWS.

WE'RE PREGNANT!

BY THE WAY, I FOUND OUT THE BABY'S...

NOT NICK'S.

IT'S NEIL'S.

DO YOU REMEMBER SOMEONE NAMED MIMI?

I HAVE THIS MEMORY OF YOU AND ME AND THIS WOMAN NAMED MIMI.

NOPE.

IT'S OKAY, KIDS. GO BACK INSIDE.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

WE HAVE A WARRANT FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S ARREST

FOR AGGRAVATED ASSAULT AND BATTERY.

I KNEW YOU'D BE BACK.

BUT LISTEN.

I CAN'T BE YOUR THERAPIST.

I DON'T WANT A THERAPIST.

I JUST WANT SOMEONE WHO WILL LISTEN.

MM-HMM.

* OPEN UP THE SKY

* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH

* IT'S WINDY, AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

Max: THINGS WERE GOING SO WELL, YOU KNOW?

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH TARA HAD IMPROVED.

YEAH, COMPLETELY.

THEN AFTER SHE, YOU KNOW...

CONFRONTED TRIP ABOUT THE, YOU KNOW, THE RAPE

AND WE GOT HER ON THE RIGHT DRUG COCKTAIL...

...THERE WAS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME.

YOU KNOW?

HMM.

AND YOU DON'T SEE A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL ANYMORE?

NOT SO MUCH. NOT REALLY, NO.

I MEAN, TARA...

SHE CHEATED ON ME

WITH THAT PAMMY WOMAN FROM THE BAR

AND, UM...

WELL, HER ALTER -- BUCK -- HAD RELATIONS.

OKAY, FINE.

BUCK HAD AN AFFAIR, BUT TARA KNEW ABOUT IT.

SHE KEPT IT FROM ME. SHE LIED.

YOU FELT...LOCKED OUT.

AND SHE LIED ABOUT FINDING A THERAPIST.

WELL, TARA DID LOCATE A THERAPIST, MAX.

I --

I KNOW, SHOSHANA.

BUT THE THERAPIST SHE LOCATED IS HER.

MM-HMM. IT'S CONFUSING.

FUCKIN' "A." AND IT SUCKS.

SO, I GOT 100 COPIES MADE,

FIGURING WE COULD START SMALL

AND THEN THROW OUR PROFITS INTO THE NEXT RUN.

OH, AND I CAME UP WITH A PLAN FOR US --

LIKE, A WAY WE COULD STAY TOGETHER, NO MATTER WHAT.

UM...

OKAY, SO, YOU KNOW WE HAVE FUN TOGETHER, RIGHT?

HOW WE COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER?

MAKE SHIT TOGETHER?

WE'RE A GOOD TEAM, RIGHT?

OKAY, WE'RE A GOOD TEAM, BUT --

SO WE HAVE TO KEEP ON BEING A TEAM.

COURTNEY...

HOW DO I PUT THIS?

I...

I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR BREASTS,

AND I DON'T WANT TO PUT MY BONER IN --

I KNOW!

SO, DO THAT STUFF WITH BOYS AND THEN COME HOME TO ME.

THERE'S A RICH TRADITION

OF MAKING THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WORK.

DO YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

MOSTLY ON THE COASTS,

LIKE CLAY AIKEN AND HIS BABY MAMA, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE

THAT THERE'S A TORNADO WATCH IN EFFECT,

BUT LOOK -- IT SAYS "TORANDO."

"TORANDO." CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

WHAT A BUNCH OF MORONS.

I LOVE GETTING TO KNOW YOU, MAX.

YOU DO?

IF TARA WEREN'T MY CLIENT,

WE COULD DO THIS OUT IN THE OPEN.

BUT BECOMING YOUR THERAPIST WHILE I'M HER THERAPIST --

IT'S, UH... IT'S AGAINST THE RULES.

WOULDN'T WANT TO BREAK ANY RULES.

I THINK YOU'RE GOOD FOR HER.

AND I THINK YOU'RE ALSO GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.

I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WASN'T.

BUT YOU MUST SOMETIMES WONDER

WHAT YOU AND TARA WOULD LOOK LIKE AS A COUPLE

IF SHE WERE MORE HEALTHY.

ACTUALLY, SOMETIMES I WONDER

IF TARA WERE HEALTHY

WHETHER WE'D... EVEN BE TOGETHER AT ALL.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD LET HER GO.

OH, LET HER GO, YEAH.

MY WIFE, MOTHER OF MY KIDS.

YEAH.

LET HER GO A LITTLE.

SEE HOW IT FEELS.

AND NOW OUR TIME IS UP.

SO IT IS.

OKAY.

SAME TIME TOMORROW?

YEAH, OKAY.

SAME -- SAME TIME IS FINE.

THANKS.

HE'S TRYING SO HARD.

HAVE YOU BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME?

YES.

TARA.

I CAN'T HELP IT. I'M HERE.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ALTER I'VE EVER HAD

THAT I'VE BEEN SO CONTINUOUSLY CO-CONSCIOUS WITH.

SORRY.

NO, NO. IT'S ALL TO THE GOOD.

IT MEANS YOU'RE JUST THAT MUCH CLOSER TO INTEGRATING.

TRUST ME, TARA.

EVEN THOUGH WE HAVEN'T BEEN WORKING TOGETHER VERY LONG,

I HAVE A VERY GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS -- ABOUT YOU AND ME.

KISMET.

WHAT'S UNDER THE SHEET, SHERLOCK?

IT'S MY PRINCESS VALHALLA COSTUME.

SEE? NOW, WHY DO YOU DO THAT?

DO WHAT?

GIVE THIS WILLFULLY MINIMAL ANSWER

THAT JUST REQUIRES ANOTHER QUESTION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LYNDA AND I ARE SETTING UP A TABLE

AT THIS COMIC SHOP IN KC-MO

TO SELL PICTURES OF ME FOR MONEY.

KIND OF KILL TWO BIRDS WITH --

MONEY.

EXACTAMENTE.

THANK YOU.

HEY, IS THAT 10 GALLONS OF WATER,

OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

IT'S FOR THE GAY NEIGHBORS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I AM EATING AN UNBALANCED BREAKFAST

BEFORE I START MY DAY.

I TOLD YOU UPSTAIRS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THAT COMIC-BOOK THING.

DAD, IT IS MY JOB, OKAY?

I HAVE TO COLLECT THIS WOMAN'S DEBT.

AND IF EMBODYING HER AVATAR AT A COMIC-BOOK STORE IS --

TORNADO WATCH IN EFFECT.

YES, DAD. I UNDERSTAND -- A WATCH.

NOT A WARNING, AND IN ANY CASE, NOT A TORNADO.

I DON'T CARE. IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

AND DON'T THINK ABOUT TAKING HUBBARD'S CAR.

GOT THE KEYS.

FUCK.

WILL YOU TAKE ME?

NORMALLY, YES, BUT SINCE YOUR DAD GOT BUSTED FOR ASSAULT,

I'M TRYING TO STAY ON HIS GOOD SIDE.

PUSSY.

LOOK WHO I FOUND ON THE DOORSTEP.

Ted: HEY, HANDSOME.

HEY.

SEE HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN.

ANOTHER DISASTROUS CREPE?

YES!

THIS BATTER DOES NOT HOLD TOGETHER

THE WAY RUTH REICHL OF "GOURMET" PROMISED IT WOULD.

THAT RANDY SLUT IS DEEPLY OFF TASK.

I'M CONSIDERING NOT RENEWING.

UH...YOU GUYS HEARD ABOUT THE TORNADO, RIGHT?

WHY DO YOU THINK WE'RE MAKING CREPES, MAX?

WE'RE WOODSHEDDING.

THE PLAN WAS TO SLATHER THESE IN NUTELLA

AND CUDDLE OUR WAY THROUGH THE STORM.

BUT THE ONLY THING YOU CAN SPREAD ON THESE DRIPPIES

IS DISAPPOINTMENT AND CRITIQUE.

TELL ME THAT'S FULL OF VODKA.

YEAH, I WISH. WATER.

IN CASE THE PIPES BREAK.

YOU REALLY THINK AN EVENT OF THAT STARTLING A MAGNITUDE IS NIGH?