Mike & Molly

Mike: Please don't say anything.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it.

Come on, it'll be fun.

So, Peggy, your little boy's birthday is coming up.

I know when he was born, I was front and center.

Spread-eagled in stirrups,

screaming, "get this monster out of me""

did I tell you not to bring it up?

You did.

Thank God it was in the days before video,

otherwise we'd still be watching game tapes.

Well, anyway, I think it might be fun

to throw a little party this year. We usually go to the iHOP.

He eats for free, and I get the senior discount.

We're in and out for six bucks.

$6.50 if mom's in a tipping mood. Mm-hmm.

Hey, if I got to hold my coffee cup in the air

like the statue of liberty every time I need a refill,

Rosarita can live off the money she skims from the till.

Besides, we're not really a party-throwing kind of family.

You mean you've never had a birthday party?

I threw him one when he turned nine,

and that is a nightmare I will not repeat.

Here we go.

Decorated the house, invited all the neighbor kids,

even the poor ones with crooked teeth and dirty necks.

The Cateneso twins.

Their dad drank.

So, what happened?

Well, the birthday boy ate three hamburgers,

four quarter-hunks of cake,

and a plastic Reagan head full of jelly bellys.

I got overexcited.

It was my birthday.

Barf-day is more like it.

He started spraying like a water wiggle full of urp.

People were running out of here like they were on the Poseidon.

During pin the tail on the donkey,

when they blindfolded me and spun me around,

it kind of all went South.

It went South, north, east and west.

I've been finding whole jelly beans for years after.

It's like he didn't even chew 'em.

She gets the picture, ma.

I can almost smell it.

Well, it is the same couch.

Who wants peach cobbler?

here, this is the woman I've been telling you about.

She is also from Africa.

That picture ain't Africa.

That's Lincoln park.

I recognize the hotdog vendor.

Gary.

Or Jerry?

She's a beautiful woman, if that is indeed her real picture.

What are you talking about?

People lie all the time on these dating sites.

I once tried hooking up with this hot Filipino chick,

ended up being a short Guatemalan man named Roberto.

Oh, yeah, he was a nice guy. Mm.

Real sweetheart; Bought dinner that night

and taught me how to salsa-dance.

Well, Amira is who she says she is.

We have e-mailed on several occasions,

and tonight, we're meeting face-to-face.

I hope it works out for you, pal. Me, too.

Most of my success stories came on the international love sites.

Your Russian, Czechoslovakian, Ukrainian...

When they don't speak English,

it gives him a two-week head start before they realize

he's full of crap in any language.

Two weeks is more than enough time to do what I need to do

and a couple of things I thought I wanted to do,

but once I did them, I wish I hadn't.

I'm actually hoping for something more substantial

and long-term.

A soul mate who appreciates me for who I am.

And I hope that's on your profile page,

'cause that's the kind of crap-ski

that can get a comrade laid-ski.

Never mind him, Samuel.

I'm glad you're being honest

and starting things off on the right foot.

Thank you, Mike.

Oh, by the way, may I borrow your car tonight?

What do you need my car for?

I told her I had a car.

It seemed slightly more impressive than telling her

I had four days left on my bus pass.

That's good, but try to keep the lies to a minimum,

otherwise, after two weeks, you're gonna have

some angry Ukrainian bitch demanding to see

the rocks you collected on your moon walk.

His mom hasn't thrown him a birthday party

since he was nine?

That's so sad.

Well, you've met her.

She's a... hideous woman.

Guess that explains why he's 35, never been married,

and puts his belt on with a boomerang.

So, his weight issues are because

of his relationship with his mother?

What does that say about you and me?

You're big-boned and have a hearty appetite.

Now pipe down and get mama some more wine.

Okay, mama.

So, are you gonna go ahead and throw him a party?

I'm thinking about it.

Maybe a surprise party.

Just have to get typhoid Peggy on board.

I say we do it.

Yeah, let's give

that poor, sweet man the love and attention

he never got as a fat little boy.

Hey, everybody.

Hi.

Speak of the devil.

We were just talking about you.

Oh, really? What about?

Nothing.

We're just

glad you're living here with us.

And that you're a part of our family.

Thanks.

Appreciate it. No.

We appreciate you.

Just the way you are.

What's up with this?

They're drunk and they... like you.

Oh, okay, well, I like you, too.

I'll get that; You gals stay here

and maybe think about getting a little food in your stomach.

All right, if we are gonna throw him a surprise party,

we are off to a very poor start.

Sorry, pal, I'm not donating to the nation of islam.

I'm sorry I don't meet your fashion standards,

Mr. Blackwell.

I'm just kidding; You look swell.

This girl's gonna be very impressed,

especially when you roll up in a freshly armor alled

Mitsubishi Galant.

I really appreciate the use of your car.

Wow, somebody's either got a date,

or he's collecting money for the nation of Islam.

Okay, I'm losing the tie.

He met a nice girl online.

I'm letting him borrow my car.

Oh, that's great.

Did you tell him about the brakes?

I was getting to that.

Uh, just a couple of things you need to know

about sweet lady Galant.

She can be a bitch.

I got this.

She can be a bitch.

You got to start pumping the brakes

about a half a block before you get to a stop sign.

Yeah, and if you think you're gonna stop short,

keep your hand on the emergency brake,

and be prepared to yank that sucker

like your life depends on it, 'cause it does.

Other than that, have fun.

Okay, uh, thanks.

I'll have it back to you tomorrow morning.

Not if you park on a hill, you won't.

So, what are you doing for your birthday this year?

I guess it's just me and mom at the iHOP.

You're welcome to join us if you want.

Watching you wolf down a Belgian waffle

with strawberry compote while your mom describes

what a blood bath your birth was?

No, thank you.

Good morning, my brothers from another mother.

What a glorious day it is.

Wow.

Sounds like somebody's date went pretty well, huh?

Amira was more beautiful than her pictures.

It was a perfect evening.

Hey, you didn't do it in my car, did you?

Well, as much as I wanted to consummate our attraction

on a vinyl car seat covered in Arby's wrappers...

I chose to wait until we had proper courtship.

Plus, she wouldn't let me.

So, where'd you take her?

We had a five-course dinner at the Florentine

and split a bottle of champagne.

And she still wouldn't give it up?

Every one of them online Svetlanas was good to go

after a roach coach taco and a can of Foster's lager.

Look, I don't want to pry, Samuel,

but that sounds like a pretty expensive evening

for a man of, shall we say, meager means.

What Mike is wondering

is how a broke ass-schmuck like you

is paying for all this crap?

I gleaned that on my own, Carl.

Last night's magic was courtesy

of my now maxed-out discover card.

And how long do you plan on maintaining

this level of costly, sexless courtship?