Zomboat!

What do you mean, no?

- Is the word too long? - It seemed clear to me.

Don't make me use this!

This is our boat, Mary Berry.

If this is your boat, who was the woman you threw off?

Oh, no.

What is it?

It's a lock.

Obviously!

Why do you want this boat if you don't even know how to use it?

- This canal goes to London. - Yeah, eventually, it does.

After 137 miles and 166 of these.

There are three tunnels,

the Hatton Flight and the Itchington Ten,

and that is not even counting Milton Keynes!

Are you sure you want this boat?

- Erm... - Quite sure.

Fine, serve a purpose, then. I need one person on each gate.

We've got to get past that before they catch us.

Who made you captain?

The total lack of competition.

I mean, no rush!

Potential death this way, certain death that way.

- Push! They'll be here in a sec. - They're not opening!

They will when the water's level! Just keep pushing.

Come on!

At what point were you going to mention 166 of these bastards?

When you'd warmed up to the idea.

We should be in a car! Cars have roads.

I like roads.

- So who was the body? - Rob's girlfriend.

His rebound shag!

I dunno, there's a mug with her face on it in the sink.

What?!

Probably from her. I mean, way too keen.

- Who's Rob? - My ex. This is his boat.

You killed your ex's new girlfriend and nicked his boat?

- She was his rebound shag! - So it's not your boat.

- Can we please concentrate? - It's not moving.

Get back on!

- But the gates aren't open! - We'll just have to ram it.

You can put your shirt on now.

Because for all we know, you could have been bitten.

You're deciding that's how it's passed on, are you?

Well, not me. World War Z, 28 Days Later.

I literally could go on and on and on.

I always seek medical advice from people who went to film school!

- Shouldn't be in the red. - I'm just getting some distance.

Then these irritating stowaways can get off safely.

Well, maybe take it easy. Rob said it was temperamental.

Yeah, you don't want to damage his boat!

Not when you've spent so much time decorating his kitchen.

Oh, man.

- I really don't like blood. - You've come to the wrong apocalypse.

Shit. When did they go to Rome?

Like she'd appreciate Rome!

Oh, God, that's his parents' house.

Is that Rob? Looks short.

Rob's in the army.

At least he's got skills, jewellery boy.

I can bench press 100 kilos!

And I can fit a whole orange in my mouth.

Doesn't mean I'm good at killing zombies.

I need to ring him. Who's got a phone?

Somebody lost mine, trying to Snapchat the apocalypse.

Somebody doesn't appreciate monetising social media.

Kat, pull over.

Zombie death.

They're miles back, and I need my phone.

House is only over there. I'll loop around and meet you up ahead.

No, you can't get ahead of us, we'll be back that way.

The silence is people waiting for more information.

Well, first we've got to pick up Big Dame Hero,

then we turn around, come back this way to London.

- But London's that way. - Not according to facts.

- Who's Big Dame Hero? - My guild master.

From your computer game?

Jo, it's not a game.

It's an MMORPG.

And you're telling me this now?

We need to, it's all arranged. This whole thing was her plan.

This whole thing was your plan!

No, no, this was all Biggie.

She's a genius. She knows more about zombie lore

than any of these so-called experts I've met online.

Her in-game banter is unbelievable.

Well, I for one can't wait to meet her!

It's too dangerous.

- We need a phone! - And a car!

Right, you've got two hours.

Then we'll be back here with zombies right behind us.

So, a whole orange, or, like, a satsuma?

You should go with them.

You should look up "passive-aggressive".

This seems like a lot of effort

for some greasy loner with acne and a comic book fixation.

- You've not met her. - Have you?

No, but she's amazing.

She's a boat expert, survivalist, county level crossbow marksman.

Came 14th in Tough Mudder last year,

in the men's competition.

She what's going to get us to London.

You met her on the Internet.

I think maybe you should prepare yourself for disappointment.

- Big Dame Hero? - Kattlestar Galactica?

Kat. Real world, real name.

- Amy. - Welcome aboard, Captain.

I wasn't sure you'd come.

- Who's this? - Oh, nobody.

Oh, you've brought me an expendable crewmember.

Somebody's been watching Star Trek.

- We should get a car. - It's only round the corner.

No, to get out of Birmingham.

If I could just smash a window, then I could hot wire it.

Ever been to a safari park? Trust me, you want the windows up.

Look, it's not far, let's just stick to the plan.

Bingo! Don't need to be in the army to do this shit.

No, you need a criminal record.

- Misspent youth? - NCIS New Orleans.

It's easy.

You just pull the wires out from underneath the steering wheel,

get two of them, pull them out of the connector,

touch them together and voila.

Very impressive!

Oh, perfect.

Keep up!

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Where'd you learn that, CSI Miami?

- How's it going? - Bit tired.

No, I mean any sign of zombies?

Oh. No.

Right, let's get this boat turned.

No, it's fine, I'll do it.

- I don't think so. - OK. But don't rev too hard.

The blonde one says she's temperamental.

And did she spend three months learning boat engineering

on the busiest drydock on the network?

Honestly, she doesn't seem the type.

Then maybe we should let Big do the driving.

Fine, I'll be down here, washing my mug.

For fuck's sake.

Black.

No sugar.

Make it two.

Ugh, that's disgusting. Poor guy.

That's Mr Mulvaney.

Tried to get me in his car a lot over the years.

Never have, never will.

Urgh!

Bag's on top of the wardrobe.

What's this for?

Netball.

That's like basketball, but you stand still, yeah?

It's an Olympic sport.

So why don't men play it, then?

Why indeed?

Right, where's my phone?

Yes! Rob's two miles away.

And moving. He's alive.

You track your ex on a stalker app?

Number one, it's not a stalker app, it's a security feature.

And number two...

there's been a change of plan.

We're gonna find Rob.

God, you think there'd be an emergency signal.

Or at least repeats of The Big Bang Theory.

You know, keep the spirits up.

Well, that's an apocalypse I want no part of. Where are the teas?

There was a blood clot in the sink, it put me off.

Who calls themselves Big Dame Hero?

I mean, either she's being ironic, and she's not a hero,

or she is an actual hero, in which case that's just showing off.

I tagged her, and it stuck. When we met, she got me out of

a really destructive relationship with a bear.

I don't know where to go with that.

I was in an arena team with this girl who identified as a bear,

Grizzly Karen.

We lost four on the bounce, and she starts blaming it on me

in guild chat, using her plus seven claw ability

to really monopolise the conversation.

All that's coming through is blah, blah, computer, blah.

Big challenges her to a duel, kicks her arse,

looks down, fires an arrow and says, "Connection terminated."

And at the exact same moment, bam!

Karen's account locked for three weeks.

Coolest thing I've ever seen.

I imagine you've seen a lot of life's cool moments in that monitor.

What I've seen is a lazy man with nothing to offer

taking up valuable deck space.

You shouldn't even be here.

What's the expendable doing that's more important than my tea?

Failing to find a TV signal.

Channels shouldn't be down.

Last I heard, plague's contained in Birmingham.