The Office

So Phil, has recruited me to sell these cards.

- And now I'm recruiting you. - Who is this guy again?

Don't worry about Phil. He drives a Corvette.

He's doing just fine. Okay,

Calling cards, are the wave of the future.

- These things sell themselves. - Who uses calling cards anymore ?

You know what ? That's a nice attitude, Ryan.

I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend.

It sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme.

Yes, thank you. You will get rich quick.

We all will.

Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment,

- the one from the e-mail ? - You know what, Toby ?

When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria e-mails you directly,

asking for help, you help.

His father ran the freaking country, okay ?

All right. So raise your hand if you want to get rich.

All right.

No. How is this not a pyramid scheme ?

All right, let me explain again.

Phil, has recruited me and another guy.

Now we are getting three people each.

The more people that get involved, the more people who are investing,

And the more money we're all gonna make. It's not a pyramid scheme.

It's not even a scheme, per se, it's...

I have to go make a call.

Episode 19 - Season 2 MICHAEL'S BIRTHDAY

Happy Birthday, Michael.

- What ? - I said Happy Birthday.

Thank you. That's really nice.

Today is my b-day and people around here just go crazy for it.

I don't know why. Oh, fun fact.

I share my birthday with Eva Longoria.

So I have a perfect icebreaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.

- What's up ? - Hi.

- Happy Birthday. - Thank you sir.

- Did you hear anything yet ? - No, I'm still waiting.

- Yeah. - Yes.

- There he is, the birthday boy. - God.

- Birthday hug. - No, no, no. New suit.

- Please. - That suit is amazing.

Thank you very much. It is from Italy.

Actually, no, Bulgaria.

- So... - Maybe I should get one.

Good luck. One of a kind.

eBay. Question.

May I be in charge of the party planning festivities ?

Not necessary. The party planning committee is all over it.

They've been working 24/7 all day yesterday.

Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the...

Don't. No. Please. Don't want to spoil it for anybody.

- Spoil the surprise. - Let's get the party started.

Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you.

When should we bring out the cake ? 1:00 or 1:30 ?

- 1:00's good. - 1:30.

I'm sorry. Are we boring you ?

- I don't... - Party planning committee, listen up.

Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake.

- So make that a priority. - Where do we get those ?

Not my problem.

Here's a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by.

Michael wants a strippergram?

Yes but he doesn't want to know when or whom.

No. This is a closed door meeting.

- Yeah. - Michael, I have Jan on the line.

Great. Put her through.

- Hello, Michael. - Hey, you.

I'm returning your call, you said it was urgent.

It is urgent. I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.

Well, today's not my birthday, so.

Really ?

'Cause I thought we had the same birthday.

- Happy Birthday, Michael. - Thanks.

- Am I on camera ? - Nope.

Totally private.

You can say whatever is in your heart.

You can take a five if you want.

Somebody brought in doughnuts for my birthday.

- Happy Birthday. - Thanks.

Man, I'm so sorry.

- When do you find out ? - They said this afternoon.

They're waiting on a second opinion.

Second opinion on what ?

I might have skin cancer.

No. I was watching "Grey's Anatomy", and there was a lifeguard on it.

- And he had skin cancer too. - Kelly, you know what...

I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died.

That was the saddest funeral ever.

That and my sister's.

Who brought in doughnuts ?

Somebody got doughnuts for my birthday.

- Happy Birthday. - You didn't know it was my birthday.

I guess I forgot.

Well, I guess I forgot to give you a doughnut.

You serious ?

- Skin cancer is treatable. - Right.

It's gonna be okay.

You don't know it's going to be okay.

Don't give him false hope.

It's probably nothing though.

Hi. Delivery for Michael Scott.

Here we go. Okay, this is great.

Thank you, my friends, she is perfect.

Dwight, may I have your chair please ?

And some singles, if you will.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

This has arms. Is that gonna be..

Is that all right ?

Sure.

Okay.

I'm so nervous.

- I can sign for it. - Oh, thanks.

When I was seven,

my mother hired a pony,

and a cart to come to my house for all the kids.

And...

I got a really bad rash, from the pony.

And all the kids got to ride the pony.

And I had to go inside.

And my mother was rubbing cream on me for probably three hours.

And I never came outside.

And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck.

And around the corner.

So that was my worst birthday.

Stop it. Stop ! What is that ?

It's For the Longest Time by William Joel.

- It's one of your favorite songs. - Yeah, when it's on the radio.

My birthday blows.

Nobody even signed my birthday poster.

Apparently my mother is the only one who cares enough to send me anything.

I probably care more than she does.

You're making it worse.

I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this.

- When does he hear ? - Sometime today.

Poor Kevin.

If I knew I had a week to live would probably go to Europe...

And South America...

And the Grand Canyon...

And I would want to see the Pacific Ocean.

It would be a pretty busy week.

That's a list price of $4.50.

Unfortunately, this item is on back...

order. Michael ! Michael ! Michael,

Michael, Michael. Come here, come here, come here.

- What ? - Listen up, everyone.

It is 11:23 exactly.

The exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal.

So ?

Have a seat, please.

- God. - There is a tradition,

hat the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.

So come over, help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin.

- No, no, no. - I'll do it.

- Ryan, come on. Let's do this. - Creed.

Come on, Stanley, let's go.

I feel like we should go get Kevin something.

Do you think we can sneak out of here ?

Maybe, but were going to need somebody to create a diversion and...

On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready ?

Okay.

- Happy birth moment, Michael. - Thank you.

One, two, three.

All right. All right. Watch it.

- Please. - Oscar.

It wasn't me.

Okay, that is not an eight-foot sub.

We don't make an eight-foot sub. This is eight one-foot subs.

- All right, what's the damage? - 39.60.

39.

60.

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself ?

I can deliver food.

I can drive a taxi.

I can, and do, cut my own hair.