Two and a Half Men

Oh, this is going to be so great.

Are you guys as excited as I am?

Probably not.

Okay.

* Happy...

* ... birthday to you

* Happy Birthday to you

* Happy Birthday, dear Rose *

* Happy Birthday to you.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me!

You guys are the best.

Is that a chocolate fudge cake?

You tell us; you brought it.

Shouldn't you, uh, make a wish and blow out the candles?

Oh, right, right.

I wish this was chocolate fudge.

Now, it's time for the party games.

I got one.

It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense."

I'll go first.

Nope, not yet.

Round Two...

Uncle Charlie?

Go away!

Have you seen my iPod?

No.

What about you, Rose?

No. Sorry, Jake.

Oh, man.

Good morning, sleepy head.

Morning.

So, what's new?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men... *

Mmm, that's good coffee.

Good morning.

It's gettin' there.

Whose birthday cake?

Rose.

Oh. Surprise party?

No, I think she saw it coming.

'Morning.

'Morning. Hey.

Coffee?

Can you make it to go?

To go?

Yeah, the thing is, I made a little... boo-boo.

A boo-boo? A boo-boo.

Anyway, I may have

to leave town for a few days.

Why? What'd you do?

Rose.

What?

I-I did Rose.

Wait, you had sex with Rose?

Are you insane?

Moot point, Alan.

What I have to do now is find my passport

and head for the border.

What you have to do

is tell Rose th-th-that I was drunk

and I'm sorry and that there's no reason

to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh.

Again.

I'll tell you right now,

you're swabbin' on your own nail polish remover this time.

That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta.

What the hell were you thinking?

Thinking?

There was no thinking.

We had a few tequila shots and we were talking,

having a nice evening,

then somebody suggested a sponge bath.

Somebody?

It might've been me.

Anyway, the next thing I know,

Jake is waking us up looking for his iPod.

Jake saw you in bed with Rose?

No.

Oh, great, great. That's just great.

What am I gonna tell him?

Who cares? He's 11.

He'll get over it.

I'm the one who still has a bald patch on my scrotum.

And let me tell ya, the comb-over isn't foolin' anybody.

Morning.

Oh. Hey, look, it's Rose.

Morning, Rose.

Hey, birthday girl!

Did you get anything good last night?

It was a wonderful party.

Isn't that nice?

Can I get you anything?

Coffee? Orange juice? Industrial-strength adhesive?

No, I can't stay.

I'm having a birthday lunch with my dad.

Oh, well, that's great.

Not that I'm anxious for you to leave.

But it's great that you're gonna spend some time with your dad.

Dads are great.

I like the word "dad" better than "father."

You know, if Hitler had called Germany the Dadland

instead of the Fatherland,

I bet it would've been a much friendlier country.

Charlie.

Yes.

You're acting crazy.

Am I?

Hey, if anybody knows...

I understand last night was just one of those things.

I have no expectations.

Okay. Good.

And...?

And nothing.

I'll see ya later.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

Oh, God, it's worse than I thought.

What are you talking about?

She sounded perfectly fine with everything.

Berta, tell him.

She's nuts. He's screwed.

* Men...

Uncle Charlie? Yeah, buddy?

You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.

Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool.

I could be the best man.

Carry the ring for you and the medication for her.

Do pharmacies have bridal registries?

Hey,

have you guys talked about having kids?

Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter

of teeny-weeny crazy-ass feet?

No. He's not gonna marry Rose.

Why not? He's already getting sex from her.

Jake, Jake... the only reason Rose was in my bed

is because she was too tired to go home.

Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.

Okay, fine.

You want the truth?

Charlie, please be discreet. Just because

a man and woman have sex

doesn't mean they have to get married.

It doesn't mean they have to see each other again.

It doesn't even mean they have to give their actual names.

Thank you for your discretion.

No, no, no.

It's time somebody taught him the facts of life.

What facts? That you did a stupid, stupid thing

'cause you're a stupid, stupid man?

I was getting to that.

Why was it stupid?

Because he had sex with someone he doesn't love.

No, no, because I had sex with someone

who knows how to disable the alarm system.

And who has no compunction about shaving my head while I sleep.

What's a compunction?

Go get ready for bed.

Sounds dirty.

Just go.

: Hey, lady, I can see your compunction.

Charlie, will you do me a favor? What?

Don't talk to my kid about sex. Why?

Because you're a pig.

Okay.

What was that?

What was what?

It was a thump.

What do you mean, a thump?

You know, a thump.

Like a crazy woman dressed as a ninja jumping from a tree

and landing on the roof with cat-like precision.

I didn't hear anything.

Well, I did.

I guess your hearing's more acute

when your nuts are on the line.

Come on, Charlie, you don't really think

Rose is gonna do anything?

Hey, I never told you half the weird stuff

she pulled around here.

Why not?

Well, we needed a baby-sitter

and I didn't want you to get spooked.

Okay, I'm listening.

One time, she trained a seagull to swoop down...

Oh, God, this is it!

Come on, Charlie.

I cannot believe a grown man like you

is afraid of a little girl.

A little girl with a big seagull.

Went right for my eyes.

You ever seen one of 'em swoop down on a picnic table

to grab a french fry?

It was just like that. Charlie...

I'll bet that's how she trained it.

Took a picture of me and put french fries all over it.

You're being ridiculous.

Am I?

We'll see.

Are you Charlie Harper?