The Partridge Family

Mom, why do we have to do our homework now?

If you want to watch that TV special tonight,

you have to do your homework now.

If six ducks are on a pond

and three more ducks land on the pond,

what would you have?

Several hundred duck hunters.

Danny.

Can you see me making pancakes?

Or me changing a tire?

Oh, Mom, I have to do my homework.

Do we have any greasy overalls?

You can use mine if you'll loan me your apron.

Somehow I get the feeling I'm being put on.

No, no, the school is having experimental courses

to obtain better mutual understanding between the sexes.

Yeah, the guys have to take, uh, women's courses

to let them know how a woman thinks.

I have to take, uh, cooking, sewing, and of course,

etiquette.

That school's turning you into a sissy.

I think it's a great idea.

It's nice to know how the other half lives. Right.

The girls are taking things like self-defense and auto shop.

Oh, which reminds me, can I use the station wagon?

I have to practice changing a tire.

But you don't have a driver's license.

She doesn't need a license to change a tire.

Oh. Oh, and I need to use the kitchen.

I have to, uh, practice making pancakes.

Keith, someday you'll make a lucky girl a great wife.

Very funny. At least I have it a lot easier than Laurie does.

You do? Well, yeah,

I mean, there's nothing to cooking.

Oh, really?

Well, I have news for you. It's a lot harder to cook

than it is to change a few little nuts and bolts.

Well, maybe you're right, but men are good at both,

and women aren't good at either.

What? Well, I mean,

there are a lot of world-famous male chefs.

Name me one world-famous female mechanic.

Well, name me one famous male chef.

Uncle Ben, Chef Boyardee.

Oh, come on, Keith.

Mom, he is saying that women are inferior to men.

Now, that is not what I said.

It's true, but I... Oh, really?

Well, I'll bet you that I can change a tire

better than you can fix pancakes.

Oh, be serious.

I am. It's a bet.

What's at stake?

Your brother's gigantic ego.

I'll, uh... I'll help you find the spare tire

just as soon as I'm done making the pancakes.

Boy, she sure is a sore loser, isn't she?

She hasn't lost yet.

How's Laurie doing?

She finally found the spare tire.

Well, if you ask me, this whole bet is silly.

I agree.

And you can't ask a woman to do a man's job.

Oh, Reuben.

You sound like a male chauvinist.

You don't really think she can do it?

Why not?

Keith isn't doing much better at a woman's job.

Mom, will you show me how to sift flour?

Sift for yourself.

I have a feeling Mom's on Laurie's side.

It's just like the weaker sex to gang up on you.

Now come on, two cups sifted flour.

Yeah, well, I tell you, Danny,

I expected it.

You know, sympathy for the underdog.

She knows Laurie doesn't have a chance.

Way to go, Keith.

You'd be great at breaking up a riot.

Must have been doing it too hard.

Well, guess I'll just relax,

give my pancakes a chance to settle.

How's... Oh, no!

What are you doing, dusting for fingerprints?

Uh, a temporary setback. I'll clean it up later.

You certainly will.

Where are the pancakes? He hasn't made them yet.

You've been in here for an hour.

I know. I've been taking my time.

You know, making sure I do every step exactly right.

Oh, which step says throw flour all over the kitchen?

Maybe the superior male has bitten off more than he can chew.

Okay.

So I made a couple of mistakes...

Well, if it isn't Andy Granatelli.

How'd you get so greasy changing a tire?

Looks like she's been swimming in the Santa Barbara Channel.

Uh, did you give up or just come in for an oil change?

Oh, I finished.

You finished?

Finished. How are your pancakes coming?

You're standing in them.

Oh, well, guess that means I win.

That's not fair. I wasn't trying.

Oh, I still win.

There was no bet. We didn't shake hands.

Come on, Keith.

Well, Shirley, if they didn't shake hands...

That sounds like a cop-out.

Face it, Keith.

I beat you. I beat you. I beat you.

Are you gonna take that?

Okay.

If that's the way you want it, let's have a real contest.

Something, uh... Something a little more difficult,

like, uh... Chapter four, "Gapping spark plugs."

Chapter four in your book's making spinach soufflé.

I can't believe this.

Mom, I'm doing this for Laurie's own good.

I mean, someday she's gonna want to get married,

and what man will have her if she thinks she's as good as he is?

Oh! You're on!

Spinach against spark plugs!

When do we start?

Right now.

Well, you need "a pound of spinach."

One pound of spinach.

"Four tablespoons of butter." Four tablespoons butter, right.

"One cup grated cheese." One cup grated cheese.

"Five eggs." Now, just a moment.

You guys are ganging up on Laurie.

Reuben... Shirley, I am not playing favorites.

It's just that, well, a man's ego is at stake.

Well, it's not your ego.

So we're not really helping.

We're just advising.

"One cup of milk."

It isn't fair.

Mom, if you'd like to advise for Laurie, that's fine with me.

"Three tablespoons whole-wheat flour."

Do we have any whole-wheat flour?

Ask Danny. I'm Laurie's advisor.

Don't tell me you bought your own set of tools.

Of course not.

I liberated Keith's.

I figure if he can use our kitchen, we can use his tools.

I hope he has all the right equipment.

I think so.

The manual shows pictures of the tools we need.

Do you wanna run a check? Good.

Screwdriver.

Check.

Spark-plug puller. Check.

Spark-plug gapper. Check.

And I brought a few tools of my own. Hairpins.

Good idea.

Actually, it looks kind of easy.

According to the diagram, we disconnect the spark-plug wires,

take out the plugs, set the gap

at sixty-five-hundredths of an inch, and replace the plugs.

It's all laid out step by step.

Yeah.

There's only one thing the manual doesn't tell us.

Oh?

How do you open up the hood?

Okay. Now we need scallions.

What are scallions?

Wild horses.

That's stallions.

Scallions are like strong, tiny onions.

Tiny onions.

Okay.

Well, we don't have any scallions.

Maybe we should substitute garlic.

One dash of garlic coming up.

Okay.

Next ingredient.

"Garlic. Do not use more than one half clove."

What's a clove?

You know those six wedges of garlic you just threw in?

Yeah.

Well, that's five and a half cloves too many.

You ruined my souffle.

I can't go on.

Purrs like a baby, doesn't it?

Well, I wouldn't say it purrs like a baby.

I would.

Since all women are good for is having babies,

we should know what one sounds like.

Tell me, how is your spinach souffle coming?

Oh, we finished an hour ago.

Really?

Where is it? I'd like to try it.

Oh, it's in the backyard.

The backyard?

Well, it didn't come out exactly as we intended.

I thought I'd make a planter out of it.

Yeah, with a little varnish, it'll be great.

Liberated women, 2.

Male chauvinists, 0.