Barracuda

Next caller, Richard Head.

Hello, this is Brittany.

Hey, Brittany.

Hi, what's your name?

Richard, but call me Dick, Dickhead .

That's what my mama called me.

Okay, Dickhead, what do you like?

Cake. Cake.

Today's my birthday.

Happy birthday, Dickhead.

What do you want for your birthday?

Okay.

[ Telephone Ringing and Baby Crying ]

Next caller, Raul Flores.

Hello.

Hey.

You got a fat donkey?

Donkey, what do you mean, baby?

Stupid bitch.

Freaky motherfucker.

Puta pauta.

A mama that bakes me cakes

and lets me suck her big fat tits.

Speakerphone.

This is Trixie.

Trixie.

Me gusta tu nombre.

Trixie, you got a fat donkey?

Donkey? What the fuck?

A fat ass.

I sure do, baby, and I just wiped it.

That is fucking rude, bitch.

Next caller, Raul Flores.

Hello, this is Brittany.

You got a fat donkey, bitch?

Oh yeah.

How fat is that motherfucker?

My ass is so fat...

Huh?

...it's got its own zip code.

Bitch, you are funny.

I like it.

Hey, hey, what's your name?

Brittany.

Brittany, do you have dark hair?

Yeah.

Oh, because I like my bitches with dark hair and big donkeys.

Hey, are you a porn star, bitch?

No, I'm just the sexy girl next door.

Ah, puta madre.

That's why you like that shit, huh?

>>Hey, answer me, bitch.

That's why you like that shit, right?

Yeah.

Ah, I knew it .

They all like it.

That's why I keep getting away with it.

With what?

With raping you bitches.

Number 10, you were the bitch I raped last night, eh?

You hear me?

Scream, bitch.

[ Speaking in Foreign Language and Music ]

Next caller, Paul Hampton.

Hello.

Hey, you a dirty little girl?

I sure am, baby.

Ah, call me, daddy.

What do you look like?

I've got long blonde hair, big blue eyes,

size double D 34 breasts.

I like them flat chested, just like my babysitters

and my daughter, Tina.

What'd you say?

Suck it Tina.

Suck daddy's juicy pickle.

I'm afraid we're going

to have to let you go, James.

But why?

Sexual harassment will not be tolerated on these antiques.

Who did I sexually harass?

You need to pack your things and you need to go.

But no one else works here.

>>Next caller: Dudley Elvis Johnson.

Hello, this is Priscilla.

Oh, Priscilla, I'm so glad I got through.

I kept getting Candy and Misty, and Trixie's lines.

You're so busy, baby.

Always good to hear your voice, darling.

Look, I really need to talk to you.

You sound out of breath.

Well, hitting redial got me all lathered up, baby.

Our connection's always been loyal as a hound dog.

You hear me talking to you, baby?

Loud and clear.

Are you still upset about your urges towards women?

Oh, you got it, darling.

You remember that good looking girl I met

from the park, long red hair?

Little Annie?

Your memory's like a fried peanut butter

and banana sandwich.

What's the latest on little Annie?

Well, little Annie slides into the caddy like always.

She asked me if I liked strangulation.

Elvis ain't into choking.

Good night baby.

Oh, tune it in.

She's on my balls like a hungry boll weevil,

really getting after it.

She asked me to let her stretch her legs a little bit

so we walk behind some trees.

King likes to please.

She asked me to choke her, so I did.

I'm all shook up.

And then I see her eyes roll to the back of her head and I stop.

Something went wrong so I left.

Well, later that evening I was sitting

down at the dinner table with my husband and dog.

I could still smell little Annie's pumpkin pie all

over my hands.

You with me so far, Priscilla?

Yeah.

Well, all I could think about is little Annie

so I excused myself from the dinner table

so I could go polish the fish pump

in the bathroom, you know what I mean?

Dangit baby, I got to take this other call, baby, okay?

Hold on a minute.

Okay.

Dudley's Antiques, this is Dudley speaking.

How may I help you?

Man, this shit is racist.

Excuse me?

You all sold me a raggedy ass fan

and the motherfucker caught fire.

Got smoke all over my shades.

I can assure you sir; no one here's a racist, okay.

You just hold on while I pull up your records.

Hurry up, motherfucker.

You still with me, Priscilla?

I'm still here.

Well, anyway, it's been five days and I've got a hankering

to return to the levee.

Maybe you should take a vacation with your husband,

make love to him and the urges will disappear.

But all I can think about when I'm

with him is little Annie.

I mean I've even got him wearing little red wigs for me.

I didn't think Elvis liked men with little red wigs.

Oh, Elvis is into all kinds of things.

It's getting' crazy here in Graceland.

I'm going to have to call you back.

Next Caller, John Taylor.

Hey, fishnet toes.

What you doing little perfect goddess with the feet?

Yeah, what you going to do with those toes?

Yeah.

It's so big.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah.

I don't know how you can do that.

What?

>>What?

Are you fucking kidding me?

All I'm saying is that I could introduce you to one

of Larry's lawyer buddies, but you never show

up at any of my dinner parties.

They all think I'm nuts anyway posing in some great dress

on this rickety old boat in Venice.

Don't rock the boat.

Since when do you care what Larry's lawyer buddies

think anyway?

Besides, aren't they all married?

Since Larry became VP of the Tuscany Law Firm,

very influential people, Summer, men with money.

Men that could change your life married or not.

Lisa, men have already changed my life.

I mean in a good way.

I need a break.

Look, I think that you are a really talented artist.