Joey

Geez, Gina, I can smell your perfume from the top of the stairs.

I'm not wearing any perfume.

The, uh, the bottle said "unisex. "

How are you this morning?

I don't know. I'm a little frustrated about my career.

I came out here a couple of months ago with all these goals

and I haven't achieved any of them.

Like what?

I haven't been on the cover of a magazine.

I haven't been nominated for an award.

I haven't been on even one est Dressed" list. What's up with that?

You were in a magazine. Last month you were in People.

Unidentified male next to Nicole Kidman.

Well, something good better happen for me soon.

I want to feel like I made the right decision moving out here.

Joey, why don't you do something about it?

Yeah. Call your agent. Light a fire under her.

Oh! Let me do it. I will rip her a... No, no, no... I'll do it.

But you're right. Yeah. I should call her. I need work.

Not being on TV is even starting to affect my love life.

- No. - Yeah.

Last night, I went out to meet a girl, you know, for sex?

And I realized, when I moved out here, I lost a big part of my rap.

I'm no longer... "Joey Tribbiani, star of Days of Our Lives. "

Lines like that actually work?

Well, not as good as your man perfume, but...

You know, now that I don't have that, things are harder.

You know, I gotta say, I hate to delight in this,

but it's kind of nice that for once you're having a problem with women. I mean...

Hey, Joey.

- Thanks for a fun night. - Oh, yeah.

You take care.

I said it was hard. I didn't say it was impossible.

Well, he's just walking in right now.

I'll tell him.

Great news, Joey.

I just got you the lead in an industrial safety video!

What?

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to do any more stuff like that.

Look, Bobbie, I came to L.A. to take the next step in my career,

and I feel like I'm taking a step back.

You know, you got me doing these lame auditions, lousy commercials.

That mystery theater thing at Ted Danson's house?

I need things to change. Now.

Ooh, there's the fiery Latin heartthrob that I took a chance on.

I'm not Latin, I'm Italian.

Italian?

Oh, no!

Italians are out this year.

It may be time for you to call in your boy-band connections.

I wasn't in a boy band.

I can't catch a break.

Look, Bobbie, you gotta do whatever it takes to get me something- and something good.

Otherwise I'm gonna go out and find someone else who will.

Okay, look.

Just give me one more chance.

I will find you something.

There's going to be no more celebrity parties, okay?

No more cheesy commercials.

Oh, and when you get home, just delete the message about emceeing the dog show.

All right. Okay, that's more like it.

Now, is there anything I can do on my end?

Yeah. It'd be great if you had some connections.

Who have you met in this business who's powerful?

I mean, someone who loves you, someone you trust?

Just you, I guess.

Oh...

You sweet thing, come here.

Oh, God, I could slap a diaper on you and nurse you right now.

- Hey, Joey. - Hey, Alex.

Uh... what's going on here?

Oh, I'm hosting an alumni event for Northwestern University.

No, no, I meant, there's no mustard for the pigs in the blanket.

Where's your head at, girl?

I'll take care of it.

Hey, Alex.

That guy looks familiar but I can't place him.

Usually when I have that feeling it's someone I've slept with,

but I don't think it's that.

He's a movie producer.

Ooh.

Hey. Can you introduce me to him?

My agent said I need to make some Hollywood connections.

Oh, yeah. Sure. Hey, Steve!

This is, uh, my friend, Joey Tribbiani. He's an actor.

He just moved here from New York a couple months ago.

Hey! Steve Carpenter, nice to meet you.

Yeah, you, too.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

there's a girl in there I hated in college and I'm now more successful than.

So, Joey, you don't look familiar.

Are you a Wildcat?

Well, I don't like to brag about it, but I do okay.

You can go ahead and brag. We're all proud we went to Northwestern.

Go, Wildcats!

Oh, I thought you meant...

You know, you should come in and audition for me sometime.

Really?

Yeah, we like to look out for our own.

That's why they call us the Northwestern Mafia.

We've got alumni at every studio, network, and major talent agency in this town.

Then I am really glad I went there! Go, Wildcats!

Say, what year did you graduate?

Wait, let me guess. Uh... '91?

Wow.

Producer, or awesome year-guesser?

Who do I know that was '91? Uh... Lance Beckman. Do you know Lance?

- Uh, is he here? - No.

I was in his wedding!

Well, you know, if you're new in town,

I should introduce you to the rest of the Northwestern Mafia.

It's too bad- I don't think there's anyone else here from '91.

Oh, darn, that would have been a fun situation.

Hey, guys, this is Joey.

Joey, this is Dave. He's an executive at Universal.

Mark's in television.

And Paul is a feature director.

Yeah, Joey's the Class of '91.

Oh, yeah? What dorm were you in?

Uh... a different one every night, if you know what I mean.

So, what'd you study?

Uh, uh... not much of anything, I'm afraid.

Fight song time. Shall we?

Spread far the fame of our fair name

Go, Northwestern, win that game!

And then we'll... Okay...

- Hey. - Hey.

Where'd you get the Northwestern shirt?

Oh, at an organizational meeting for next year's homecoming.

Hello?

Joey...

I did it.

I got you a huge audition for tomorrow.

That was fast. What happened?

Well, apparently your friend from Northwestern called the producer.

And then the producer called me and offered you the audition.

And I said, "Okay. "

That's great. Okay, well, what's it for?

Well, it's a sexy new nighttime drama set in a mountain resort.

It's called Deep Powder.

It's Baywatch on skis,

and it's the dumbest script I ever read.

It's gonna be huge!

All right!

Yeah, I'm gonna have my assistant

fax you the audition scene as soon as I get off the phone.

Great, Bobbie. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

What was that about?

I've got a huge audition for tomorrow.

Oh, that's great. For what?

It's a sexy nighttime drama set at a ski resort.

- That sounds fantastic! - Yeah!

Oh my God, it's not on against J.A.G., is it?

No, well, I don't know when it's going to be on.

But this is definitely a part I can get, yeah.

And it's all because I told that guy I went to Northwestern.

Lying is awesome!

Oh, I can't wait to see the script.

Bobbie's going to fax it over right now.

Hello? Stop calling here!

Damn it, every time I'm expecting an important fax, this jerk prank calls me.

- What does he say? - Nothing!

He just makes this annoying sound...

- Did you go to Northwestern? - Why, yes, I did.

Well, I graduated from Purdue three years ago.

- So? - We're rival schools.

Oh. Yeah. Grrr. I hate you.

- Joey Tribbiani. - Katie Harper.

Yeah, listen, I've got this audition now,

but maybe we can get together sometime and get to the bottom of this rivalry.

Hmm. Maybe we can.

Yeah, well, hey... why don't you give me a call sometime?

- You have your number on a card? - I do this a lot.

But also, you are very special.

Hi. I'm Joey Tribbiani.

I'm here to audition for the role of Langdon Powder,

the sexy young snowboarder with the secret past.

Now, I don't want to tell you to cancel the rest of your session,

but I was born to play this role.

You're not reading for Langdon.

Huh?

You're reading for Langdon's dad.

Langdon's dad?!

But I'm young and sexy.

I'm not some old, gray-haired guy in a dumb-looking sweater.

Hey, how you doing, buddy? Good luck on the audition.

Hey.

Hey. How did the audition go?

I did the stupidest thing I've ever done.

Come on, honey. Now we both know that is not true.

Did they find out you didn't go to Northwestern?

No, no, no, it's not that.

I spent all this time preparing for the wrong role.

You know, and they wouldn't even let me audition.

And I would have been so great at it.

"If thrashing's a crime, yo, lock me up

"because I don't want to live in a world where I can't thrash to the extreme. "

- That is great. - I know.