Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the most anticipated event

in this precinct's history.

The auction for...

The Suitcase of Mystery!

Exactly, Jacob.

This puppy's been in the lost and found since 1976.

No one alive today knows its contents.

I'm happy to say Captain Holt

has finally given me permission to auction it off.

- I'll let you give me a spray tan.

Any shade you want.

- Jake, willing to sacrifice his dignity.

Who can top it? - Massage!

I'll give you a massage.

- Charles, going in the wrong direction

and getting himself disqualified.

Interesting approach.

"Orange Jake", going once, going twice.

- I'll show you a picture of me in high school.

There is side-pony. - Ooh, Rosa coming in hot!

Rosa coming in hot! - I'll also give you

full control of my hair and wardrobe!

I'll go on a date with you.

Sold!

To Jake, not to Scully.

That really freaked me out,

and I just want this to end now.

Whoo!

So, there was this suitcase...

- I don't care. - Yeah.

- All right, everyone, enough morning chitchat.

Television happened, commutes were difficult,

Boyle had a dream.

- I laid a goose egg on this... - That's enough.

- A pipe burst in the nine-eight,

rendering the building uninhabitable.

They'll be sharing our space until the problem is fixed.

Oh, what?

A whole other precinct in here?

We're already packed in like sardines.

Look at this.

- Man, I sure will love to be here to greet

all these annoying losers, but sadly,

Boyle and I are going to be on a stakeout all week.

- Yeah, just two best buds stinking up a Saturn

with our druthers of tunes and personal pan pizzas.

- That sucks. - That sucks.

No one enjoyed that.

Look, I know this is an inconvenience;

however, I expect you all to be accommodating to our guests.

- Don't worry, sir, we will be cordial A. F.

"As Frasier." Love that show.

They're here.

- I hate those nine-eight losers.

- Ugh. These guys are the worst.

Hey, Stevie Schillens?

Jakey P in the place to be.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were in the one-two-four.

- I was, man, but then I arrested all the bad guys

in Staten, so I transferred to the nine-eight.

So dope.

Everyone, put on your parkas, 'cause this week

just got a whole a lot more chill.

Both: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

- Allow me to introduce Stevie "Chillin'" Schillens.

He was my very first partner and one of the all-time greats.

Takes one to know one, man.

Come on.

I'm Charles!

Wuh-oh.

- Hey, what's up, man? I'm Stevie.

We heard.

- Stevie and I were beat cops together.

We called ourselves the Beatsie Boys.

And, yeah, it was as cool as it sounds.

- So, y'all would just stand around like that?

- Yeah! - All the time.

Totally get it.

My first partner was also pretty cool.

Everyone called us "Chucky and the Coot."

- So, I guess we all had great partners

that we've completely moved on from.

Because yours died of old age?

He did.

Anyway, we should motor.

Jake and I are staking out a bar called the Thirsty Ox...

Lot of crime, lot of danger,

lot of downtime for inside jokes.

"Would you like some milk?"

What?

- "Would you like some milk?"

The guy... 'cause you look like... - I don't know

what you're talking about. - "Would like the milk?"

Please. - What is it from?

- He's funny. He remembers. Funny.

Very funny. - You know what's crazy?

I've been tracking a dealer

who just took a job at the Thirsty Ox.

No crap.

We should work the case together.

The Beatsie Boys reunion tour?

- Tagline: Boys Will Always Be Boys.

No wait. "Some Boys Never Change."

No wait. "Boys to Man back to Boys."

No wait. "Boy-ees!"

No wait.

Please, make yourself at home.

- Captain, why are you doing this?

You hate people in your space.

- Nonsense. I'm an easygoing chap.

- Okay. I once saw you use a ruler to measure another ruler.

- It was off by half a centimeter.

It never should've been in circulation.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Oh, he just sat at your desk.

Good.

Good. I was hoping he would.

- He's adjusting your chair settings.

Even the lumbar?

Exclusively the lumbar.

So my spine'll hurt a little.

It's only a highway holding all your body's nerves.

Mm-hmm.

- You guys have an extra mouse for my computer?

- No. But, hey,

here, you can borrow mine.

Terry knows his keyboard shortcuts!

Whoop. Just deleted everything.

- Sir, we have a problem. - Yeah, we do.

The line for the microwave is insane!

Seriously, Amy?

Your problem is Hitchcock and Scully's frozen burritos?

- No! Both: Yeah!

Get our of here!

Ugh! I'm trying to assemble my binders,

but my new desk mate, Brian, brought a dog with him

and my allergies are going crazy.

I'm so stuffy, I can't even enjoy that new binder smell.

- He shouldn't have a pet in the precinct.

- It's a "service animal" that he has made-up reasons.

- I have mild foot pain, okay? Francie helps me with that.

- How? - Legally, you're not allow

to ask me that. - Ugh.

That is nothing.

My new desk mate...

chats.

- Now, I like to think of this little lady

as a city girl who married a farmhand.

- She also likes to look up recipes online

and go, "Who's got the time?"

Okay.

Captain wants things running smoothly,

so why don't you both just move and work from my desk?

- Fine. - See?

Everything is gonna be fine.

Whoop, guy just took my whole computer.

- The dealer I'm looking for is Tom Ozerov.

Arrested him a year ago on a first-degree felony,

but he made a deal and walked.

Dude's a real lowlife.

Yeah, we've seen that guy.

I said he looked like a lowlife, remember that, Jake?

His pants were too tight. - Yeah, yeah.

Hey, you know what else is too tight?

Us working a case together again.

- Swurt. - Whoo!

- Yeah, we say "noice," not "swurt."

Look, I'm so sorry, but I don't think there's room

for a third person on this case.

Jake, we should work it solo.

- Whoa, hang on that, Boyle. Let's not be hasty.

I mean, Stevie's been tracking Ozerov longer than we have.

And three heads are better than two.

- Three's a crowd. Everybody knows that.

What about in "The Lion King," huh?

When Jamone and Purboy became friends with Steemba.

That's not the names.

It's Simba, Timon, and Pumbaa,

but I appreciate you trying.

Really is a perfect analogy.

All right, I'm in.

Stevie can work the case.

Oh, right!

Charles Boyle,

welcome to the Beatsie Boys.

All: Aww!

We forgot Charles.

We have to turn back, though.

We can't leave him.

It was a good rhyme, though.

- Hey. Hey, buddy.

Look, I'm not gonna waste your time

with some lame excuse

about why we left you behind, all right?

Just the truth.

Stevie and I were taken hostage by an Armenian biker gang

and thrown on a cargo ship head it to Asia,

but we're back now.