My Name Is Earl

A week ago, the show Inside Probe aired part one of an investigation

they shot 8 years back about the disappearance

of Crab Shack owner Ernie Belcher.

It's on! Second part is really on!

I guess we are in the Central time zone.

Sorry for doubting you, Sam.

Last week's episode

of Inside Probe was our highest rated ever.

It seems all of America wanted to know

what happened to this man eight years ago.

Camden's popular restaurant owner Ernie Belcher.

It seemed like everyone we talked to in the small town of Camden loved Ernie,

from dirtbags...

Everyone loved Ernie. He was funny.

to the mentally disabled...

Ernie taught me how to tie my shoes.

I've known him for a long time, almost two years.

to coworkers...

Ernie was a genius.

to hot women...

Ernie was cool.

to NASCAR drivers.

I met Ernie at an autograph signing, and we just hit it off.

And even a so-called celebrity.

I liked Ernie.

Ernie was a respected businessman

and beloved member of the community.

Or was he?

Because on the warm summer night of April 9, 2001,

Ernie Belcher vanished.

But how could he just evaporate into thin air?

Was he murdered?

The Camden Police sure thought so.

And their investigation led them to these two men.

Angry letters from Randy Hickey found in Ernie's office

uncovered a motive for murder.

"How dare you stop providing free toothpicks?"

"How dare you only serve my favorite item,

"fish wings,

"on Wednesdays."

Had Randy Hickey murdered Ernie in his outrage

over the lack of toothpicks and fish wings in the Crab Shack?

The Camden Police sure thought so.

And after 24 hours of interrogation,

they had a forced confession to prove it.

Then we did it! We killed Ernie!

Randy Hickey, town simpleton, had confessed.

He and his brother Earl were notorious lowlifes in Camden.

And the arrest sent the town of Camden into virtual chaos.

I'm freaking out.

I've seen those boys.

The dancers at the club call them Mustache and B.O.

I call them B.O. One and B.O. Two.

The fact that they murdered someone is the least of their problems.

I hope those Hickey boys fry for what they did.

I'm gonna miss Ernie.

He was a gentleman.

I remember one time,

I was performing a sexual act on him and it started to rain,

and he held his shirt out over my head so my hair wouldn't get wet.

Made me feel a little bit like a princess.

And with the cheapest lawyer in town at their side,

it wasn't looking good for the Hickey brothers.

But the Hickey brothers were provided with an alibi

from a reliable witness.

Two-time Daytona 500 winner Michael Waltrip,

whose testimony counts for as much as three regular Americans.

Fortunately for those guys, I'm a bit of a shutterbug,

and I had my camera with me,

so I got a pretty complete record of what happened that night.

The police were stymied and gave up their case.

How is it possible that Ernie Belcher could simply disappear?

Inside Probe decided to dig...

a little deeper...

into the earth...

to find the treasure chest...

of the truth...

of this mystery.

Tonight on Inside Probe .

INSIDE PROBE (PART 2)

I can't wait to find out who killed Ernie.

I'm just glad it wasn't me.

That would've been an awesome twist, I've always thought I was a nice guy.

I bet it was the cheese grater killer that got Ernie.

Remember when we found that big pile of ground beef with the sock in it?

I hope that wasn't Ernie 'cause I ate that.

- And I'm wearing that sock. - We don't even know if he's dead.

It could be a perfectly normal thing, like

the government forced him to leave town, change his identity, marry a hot blonde.

Who marries a hot blonde and doesn't brag about it?

You get a trophy, you put it on a shelf.

Ernie was our friend.

If he was still alive, he would've found a way to get in touch with us.

And if all he did was move away,

he would've said good-bye. I'm sticking with the cheese grater.

So once it was established that the Hickey boys were not responsible,

which came as a shock to everyone here at Inside Probe ,

our investigation moved on to something a little more...

out of this world.

Well, Randy's got an interesting

hypo...

pot...

hyp...

hypo...

thesis.

A theory.

Aliens.

From outer space.

Stories of alien abduction are nothing new.

Even cavemen recorded these primitive drawings

of the phenomena.

You can ask my wife all about it.

She saw some sort of alien thing right on that very night.

That's a great 'stache, by the way. Do you put some kind of conditioner?

Yes, but it's very expensive.

It was this strange whooshing noise,

then a loud boom.

Then I saw these amazing lights.

For a minute, I thought it was Jesus, but he would say, "Hey, Joy. What's up?"

So it must have been aliens.

I was coming out of the Crab Shack,

fixing to sell Wilfrid Dierkes some muscle relaxants,

which were really just leftover birth control pills,

when we were both awestruck by this blinding light from above.

While officially the police discounted the alien theory,

there was one officer who had a...

different point of view.

I remember that night well.

Earlier, the captain was giving out assignments,

and one of us had to go investigate

some sort of underground

gay homosexual party at the park.

And...

I drew the long straw, so I was forced to do it.

Isn't it usually the short straw that loses?

No, it's the long straw. The long straw loses.

We set up some surveillance cameras ahead of time.

And then, to make sure that I would blend in with the gay sexuals,

I went undercover.

Nothing criminal seemed to be going on.

Just a lot of well-built men letting off some steam.

And then I ended up being the meat in a dance sandwich.

It was terrible.

Where'd you get that shirt?

To stay in character

was one of the toughest professional challenges of my career.

Then suddenly there were these bright lights in the sky.

I didn't know what to think.

One of the guys said it was like being at a Cher concert,

but all I could think was...

UFOs.

Aliens were spotted all over Camden,

including at the Crab Shack the night of Ernie's disappearance.

I remember that night.

I was working in the Crab Shack bathroom.

I just finished pouring the new cement floor,

and I was heading out to my truck when I saw the flash,

and it about blinded me, and I was like, "Whoa!

I need to get some Radnor 6400 welding goggles."

You know what I'm saying?

I saw UFO once.

It was like a big silver football.

It was from the planet Goodyear.

I tried to shoot it down,

but their force field technology must have been too strong.

It turns out that in Camden,

it's harder to find someone who had not seen a UFO

than somebody who had.

Next!

I believe in alien life.

I've seen some freaky-deaky things in my day.

And just when you think you've seen it all,

along comes a guy with a green wiener.

Explain that.

Aliens.

Listen, don't believe too much of what you hear around here.

40% of the town, including the mayor, claim they've seen a leprechaun.

Trust me, Ernie wasn't abducted by aliens.

I'll tell you what I think.

What was Darnell Turner about to say

before we realized this would be a good dramatic breaking point?

If it wasn't a UFO that took Ernie,

then where is he?

Is it possible that Ernie's disappearance

is a result of the Civil War?

We'll stick the probe even deeper inside

when Inside Probe returns.

What the hell were you about to say?

Darnell, what were you about to say on that TV show?

I don't remember what I said. Eight years is a long time ago.

The mystery of Ernie Belcher was raising more questions than answers.

Was it murder?

Was it alien abduction?

Or could it have been something of historic proportion?

History.

During the Civil War, Camden was reluctant