Nobodies

Hello, I'm calling from Steven Spielberg's office.

I'm looking for the writers

Hugh Davidson, Larry Dorf and Rachel Ramras.

Mr. Spielberg is wanting to meet with them

00 here at Amblin.

It's obviously time sensitive, so it would be great

if you could call me back, thank you.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Ethan! No...

No, I got this.

Hello?

Hugh, it's Bradley from Ethan Flaum's office.

Sorry, force of habit. It's Bradley, your agent.

I have a meeting for you.

It's a very big meeting, this Wednesday at, uh...

Let's see, where did I write down the time?

Uh, it doesn't matter, um, Bradley

because I am in Austin, Texas.

And I'm, uh, retired from the entertainment industry.

What if I told you that the person wanting the meeting

was Steven Spielberg?

Then I would say you're an idiot, Bradley.

'Cause you are an idiot.

And I'm sorry to use the word idiot, but I don't know

another word for you, Bradley.

So, I'm sorry again for using that word.

Don't call me again ever, please.

You're coming with us.

And why not you, little boner helper.

Ah, United Way? More like "United Go Away."

We're only a half-hour away, so...

don't hesitate to call for any reason.

Okay.

Hon, it's only one night.

I think we unplug and leave our phones at home.

Uh, I can't leave my phone at home, because we have children.

Right, okay, well...

I am gonna leave my phone at home.

For the simple reason

that this is a romantic staycation

with my lovely wife

paid for by the Newberry Cement Company.

Are we good? We're all set?

Let the romance begin, huh?

Should I take my top off?

_

Yes... okay.

Oh, I'm so glad you called. That was so boring.

How was Lois this morning?

Uh, still upset.

She said she wants to sleep over here tonight, just FYI.

Well, maybe I can pick her up from school and we can talk.

Yeah, she'll be fine. How are you?

What do you mean?

Maybe swing by a news stand.

"Mark-Paul Gosselaar surprised everyone when he arrived

at the Independent Film Awards with this Plain Jane.

Short-statured, middle-aged single mom, Rachel Ramras."

- Rachel, no one reads that stuff. - I read it!

I have a subscription to this! I love this magazine!

If that were written about anyone else I'd be eating it up.

Rachel, you can't listen to that stuff.

"Is Mark-Paul ready to be a stepdad?" It's garbage!

It's the world we live in.

It's not my world! It's your world!

Do you know what comes up when you Google Rachel Ramras?

It used to be nothing.

And now it's every unflattering photo

you could take of a person.

I'm kidding, okay, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna do you a favor.

I'm going to turn off your phone.

- No... - Yes.

It's just noise.

You gotta block out the noise!

You think a tiger loses sleep over the opinion of sheep?

- You are a tiger. You are. - I am?

- Hey, Mark-Paul? Oh, sorry, guys. - Hey.

That's all right.

We're gonna need you to come to stage.

- We're rehearsing scene 12. - Okay, yeah.

Oh, hey, is it okay if I leave work a little early today?

- Of course, do whatever you want. - Okay.

I wanted to take Lois out for a treat and maybe talk.

Is she still mad at me?

No! No-no-no.

Hey, this is Rachel! Sorry I missed you!

Leave me a message!

Hi, Rachel!

I know, you're technically Ethan's client.

And I know you already have a job,

but I have a really big meeting for you, Hugh and Larry.

It's Steven...

If you are satisfied with your message, press one.

To erase and rerecord press two.

Thank you, goodbye.

God dammit!

No way!

Yes way.

Larry, this is too much.

Do you know the last time we stayed in a hotel?

It was three summers ago and our air conditioning broke.

And we had to stay in the Burbank Holiday Inn with Jack and Elliot.

- Yeah. - Tonight...

My little...

Beetle bug.

Is all about five star experiences.

Ooh!

A five star room...

Five star dinner...

By the way, tonight's five star dinner will be in the room

with butler service.

This will all be followed up with five star lovemaking.

Buhp-buhp-buhp-buhp!

I think we save it till after dinner.

Build up... anticipation.

It's always better if you wait.

I read that in "Men's Health."

Are you sure?

- You always get too tired after dinner. - Not tonight.

Tonight, I'll be having coffee after dinner.

Ooh...

- Maybe even a little espresso. - Hmm...

So we can...

Larry, please don't do... Don't do that, don't.

I mean, you gotta be kidding me.

Rachel?

Hugh?

Lizzie... Martinez.

Oh, my... Lizzie!

- Hey! - Hi!

Uh, Marisol, this is my friend Hugh.

- Hi! - He was my boyfriend in sixth grade.

I was.

Uh, I bet I look exactly the same.

You look great.

Did you move to Austin?

I... I don't know.

Hey, well, what are you doing here?

I don't know.

I didn't realize I was asking such hard questions.

Are you married? Do you have kids?

Nope... no.

Okay, we're getting somewhere.

It's so crazy seeing you.

It's been 1,000 years.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, what are you doing tonight?

I was gonna make lasagna, and it's just the two of us...

Um, wow, I, uh...

Why don't I give you my number?

Do you have a phone?

Uh... yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

- Course I have a phone... - Okay, here.

- Okay. - Ahh! Got it!

Okay, great!

- Okay. - Okay, yeah, so good seeing you.

Okay, bye. Bye!

Uh, hey, uh, Lizzie?

Actually, I have moved to Austin

at least for the last two days.

And I would love to have dinner

with you and Marisol tonight.

Text me and I'll send you my info.

Okay, great, will do! Okay, see ya.

Hon, I think you're making too big a deal over Eric's report card.

He's only in the second grade.

Oh, really? Did you get a D in second grade?

Maybe D stands for “dynamite”?

Hey, guys, can, uh, can we punch up that last line a little bit?

You can say, "Maybe D stands for 'dy-no-mite!'"

Like J.J. Walker on "Good Times."

And then Jen could give you a look.

And then you can say, "Or dynamite."

Uh, Jen asks if you got a D in second grade, and you're, like,

"No, but my dad got a DUI taking me to second grade."

I like that.

Or maybe when Jen's, like, "Did you get a D in second grade?"

You're, like, um, "Not the second time."

That's funny, that's clean, that's good.

You know, I don't know why I bother pitching.

He's always gonna go with her idea.

Guys, I'm so sorry, I have to run.

I have to pick my daughter up, I'm sorry.

Damn, I wish I was Mark-Paul Gosselaar's girlfriend.

Get all my jokes in, come and go whenever I want.

Hey, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, I gotta go walk my dog.

But we sleeping together so it's cool.

I'm sorry, are you guys even trying to whisper

'cause I can hear everything you're saying.

I'm not trying to whisper.

Yeah, ain't nobody over here trying to whisper.

Oh... Watch out.

So, what don't you like about L.A.?

Oh, I like L.A. well enough.

I think what I don't like

is being old and unsuccessful in L.A.

I think I would rather be old and unsuccessful in Texas.

- "Old and unsuccessful in Texas?" - Mm-hmm.

That should be your profile on your dating app.