InAPPropriate Comedy

It's Thursday.

I've been out here for...

120-Something hours.

I'm out of water.

And I don't know how much longer.

I'm going to be here.

So this is a message for my family.

Mom and dad, I love you.

I did my best.

Marie...

I wanted to be there for your graduation.

So just think of me, please.

Come on.

Hey, how you doin'?

Hello.

Hello?!

What the fuck?!

Hmm.

Feel the breeze from the subway? Uh-Huh.

Ohh!

Man, you look just like Marilyn on that grate.

Oh! Except Marilyn never had to wear a scram bracelet.

Oh! Here comes another one.

It's even bigger.

Ohh!

Mm-Hmm.

Hmm.

When trouble rises...

And there's no one else to call,

Who do you turn to?

This summer...

Action gets a little sensitive.

"Flirty harry."

Uh-Uh-Uh.

Go ahead. Make me gay.

He's never afraid to take on the establishment.

I told you before, I am not going.

To wait around for a bunch of other dicks.

Not when I have an opening to take those guys from the rear.

Yeah. I read your report, harry.

Yeah? Yeah.

I don't think you understand, those boys were packing heat.

I mean, as soon as I came, those assholes opened up.

Yeah, opened up and started spraying everywhere.

Yeah.

I read that, too, harry.

Sir, I know this is a heavy load.

Look, I realize I'm leaving you.

With a mess all over your face.

Sometimes you got to swallow...

Your pride, you know? Suck it up.

Oh, come on, harry,

These are just weird phrases you're using now.

Well, what do you want me to say? So I went in.

Yeah, I went in deep, balls to the wall.

But I unloaded into both of those assholes.

All right, stop, will you... and it felt good!

I read the frickin' report.

Look, everybody in the department gets a partner.

That's right, even you, super cop!

He's a pig, but he's right, harry.

I don't have time to break him in.

Do you know how many partners you've had?

He's a cancer on this force!

Oh, please, they'll smell this dirty asshole.

Coming a mile away. Oh, come on.

It's policy, harry. Comes from up high.

Super cop.

You shut up.

Let me tell you something. Yeah?

City hall's been trying to get me to bend over a barrel for years.

If I am going down,

I'm going down hard.

I'm sorry, am I the only one that had an erection.

From when he started talking, or...

Shut up, rookie.

["RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES" PLAYING]

Hmm?

Oh, uh, oh!

Uhh!

Hey, I'm Jamal,

And this is "blackass."

What the fuck is this, shit soup?!

Fuck this! Arrest me.

Ohh! What the fuck?!

Oh, hello.

I'm Ari Shaffer.

You know, America's had it pretty rough lately.

And in tough times such as these,

Our country turns to its heroes.

To give us back our sense of swagger.

Heroes such as myself.

Welcome to "the amazing racist."

We're here in southeastern Arizona today.

At one of the toughest stretches.

Of the Mexican-American border.

Uh, probably right here... from here it's about 3 miles down...

Is where 40% of the illegal immigrants.

Come in every day.

They are coming in and stealing our gardening jobs,

Our nannying jobs.

They're breastfeeding our white babies.

With their tres leches milk,

And ruining our minds and our souls.

My dad worked as an orange salesman.

On the side of the road, the side of the freeway,

For 37 years before one of these brown bombers came in.

And undercut his business, and it's ridiculous.

But right over there, that's Mexico.

That's real... like if I took a rock and throw it,

This is an act... that's an act of war right now.

I just invaded Mexico.

An invasion that I've been petitioning our government.

To start for over 10 years,

And as soon as we get a white president back in the office,

I will continue those petitions.

It's really ridiculous.

All right, is that...

Yeah. Are we good?

- We're good. - All right.

Dude, dude!

Bro, bro! Oh, my...

Is that for... is that...

Is that for real happening, is that for real?

I think that was really them.

For real?

Mexicans!

Like, they just ran through there. Did you get that?

We got it. Is it on?

I can't believe we got that.

That is...

Oh, my god, did we get that? That is so fuckin' sweet!

Hey, excuse me. What's going on?

Hey, did they like... do like illegals comes through here?

Like, the immigrants looking for work and stuff?

A couple times a day.

Yeah? Every now and then.

And what, people just pick them up here? What's the story?

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

You're cool with that?

It's normal around here, man.

- Yeah. American jobs. - Yeah.

Someone's going to get your job one day.

- Maybe so. - Maybe so, definitely.

Yeah. All right.

Hi.

How are you? What's going on?

Hey, how you doing, what's up, man?