12 Chairs (12 стульев)

According to the novels of Ilya Ilfa and Eugene Petrov

12 Krzese³

Part One ICE has begun

In the summer of 1927, at 11.30

from the northwest, Czmarowka from the village,

Stargorodu came to the young man.

Uncle, give 10 kopecks!

Well, give 10 kopecks!

Uncle, give 10 kopecks!

I tell you, give 10 kopecks!

Or perhaps give a key to the apartment, where are the money?

No.

The young man ze³ga³, had neither the money nor the key or apartment.

He did not have anything.

Was named Ostap Bender.

MEAT TRADE And game

HATS AND OTHER HEADGEAR

Bon Appetit

RIO-DE-JANEIRO Pub

ARTICLES CHEMICAL A. BUT

PRIVATE TRADE BACHANIUK i S-ka

What is it?

What's going on and who you are?

Could something be wrong?

Well you know yourself.

And can we come into the store and there we'll talk?

Talk to you in another place!

Welfare House No. 2

Let the fire.

Ojczulku, need boyfriends in your city? You are in any fiancees?

And many a mare enough.

I have more questions. And in this house are fiancees?

It is a state shelter, old ladies living here - pensioners.

I understand, those that were born the historical materialism?

When you were born, you were born.

What do you think ojczulku, it would not be bad to drink guinea?

- Well, that attitude. - Okay. - Come on.

Spend with you.

A living and life itself, a decent man out of you.

And what there was for the old regime?

My master lived here, Hippolytus Matwiejewicz Worobianinow.

- Bourgeois? - Sam're bourgeois. Marshal of the nobility.

I am proletarian.

You yourself are the proletariat! I said - the marshal.

Even policmajster salute him.

I come to him, say, with New Year wishes,

and he gives three rubles.

Easter, let's say, just...

the next three rubles.

He promised to introduce me to the coin.

He told me - Tikhon, feel, if you already have a medal.

Did not have time.

- And now for the give medals kept watch? - Give.

I'm going.

Go, go, go!

My lord! From Paris!

Hello, Tichonie. But Paris was not what you came to a head?

Although this is not Paris, you are cordially welcome to our "hut".

- But I'm not from Paris! - And great!

The Lord's not from Paris. You came from Ko³ogrywu, visit his deceased grandmother.

My name is Bender. Perhaps you have heard?

No, not heard.

Well, yes, yes, yes.

Where in Paris would be known Ostap Suleiman Bert Marie Bender-Bey?

Bert Marie Bender-Bey... a kind of silly.

- I have not come to Paris! - Shh, cit, cit... with Morszañska.

Heat now in Paris?

You know... I have a better go.

Where you do not have to hurry. GPU itself will come to you.

- I do not understand you. - Soon you will understand.

Please sit down. Fast!

By which you crossed the border? Polish, Finnish, Romanian?

Word of honor, I am a citizen Soviet

I can show you passport. Please.

With today's development printing techniques in the West,

print Soviet passport is so trivial, that simply laugh talk about it.

So, yes: And - we have immigrant who returned from Paris to his hometown,

B - The immigrant is afraid that will take him to the GPU

- C -... - I say again, I'm not an immigrant!

And who are you? Why do you come here?

- I came in a case. - In what case?

- In a personal statement! - The personal?

And after all this you say, that it is not an immigrant?

So what? You testified voluntarily, or choose somewhere else?

Well!

In the end, without a helper may be hard, Hippolytus thought Matwiejewicz,

and this looks like goodies dodger. This can be useful.

Well. I will tell you everything ..

The county town of N., where they were worked in the USC Marshall,

there were so many hairdressers and funeral,

it might seem that the residents arise only after it

to a shave, haircut, Wash the head and died instantly.

No sooner she dies!

O God!

Confessed. Pure soul.

- Courage, Hipolit Matwiejewiczu. - Hipolit!

Please, please go.

Hipolit...

Should I entrust to you an important secret.

Do you remember our set Stargorodzie in the living room?

I remember, I remember very well. Couch, a dozen chairs...

The chair seat decamped their diamonds.

What diamonds? It did not take them then, during the search?

Hid diamonds in his chair.

Your jewels! " Why do not you give me them?

How could I give you diamonds, if you missed my daughter's fortune?

Packed in a chair diamonds worth 70 thousand!

The chair, which do not know who is sitting!

This is, after all ..!

- "Evening bell, the evening bell..." - Fedya... what about you?

"How many think he brings."

God! What have you done with him?

Listen carefully. Just a word to anyone!

Have just confessed Worobianinowa mother in law.

She betrayed me, Stargorodzie that, in their home,

in one of the chairs from the living room retracted her diamonds!

These diamonds bequeathed me.

- You? - Me!

Soon you'll live in a new and build fabryczkê candles,

and maybe something else. "Evening bell..."

Diamonds!

I find them.

Surely find.

I feel that the stones are chosen with relish.

I think that now are worth 150-thousand.

- There so much? - Certainly not less.

Only you, dear comrade Paris, pluñcie on everything.

- How does it spit? - Simply, saliva.

- Nothing will come of it. - What?

Lord suite of furniture burned down long ago... in the oven.

Peace of mind... peace.

Peace!

I am taking the matter into their own hands.

So... we conclude little agreement.

If I find a treasure, as technical manager, I get...

- Sixty percent. - It's highway robbery in broad daylight!

And if you wanted to propose to me?

Well, about five percent... the final ten.

You want me to work for free,

and yet he gave the key to the apartment, where are the money?

In this case, please forgive me,

I have every reason to believe that itself can manage with my case.

In that case, I am sorry,

I have no less reason to believe I myself I can manage with your case.

Cheater!

Please listen to... ladies of Paris,

and you know that your diamonds almost in my pocket?

And you, I am interested only in so I want you to secure old age.

Twenty percent.

- Yes... and my board. - Twenty-five.

And the key to the apartment.

- Thirty percent! - Well.

Only out of respect for yours noble origin

I am ready to work for these miserable

forty per cent.

That's 60 thousand!

Look... you are extremely greedy man.

- He loves you more money than you. - And you do not love me?

- No. - It's what you 60 thousand?

Of principle.

- Well, how, ice started? - Street Smart! - What?

- Has begun. - Ice cream started, gentlemen of the jury!

And I will lead a parade!

Hello, partner. There's good news.

Found the first chair.

A chair is here, the former of your apartments!

Please finish your morning toilet and draw near to work.

I am ready.

What about you? You crazy?

What is it?

Please look.

My God!

My God! What is it?

What is it?

They told me that the paint gives intense black color.

Goods smuggled!

All the produce contraband goods in Odessa, on the street Dierebassowskiej.

My God... what to do?

What to do?

Przemalujemy.

Paint "Naiad" painted hair the amazing, maroon color.

What do you say? Yes.

Impressive... so impressive. Simple and with taste.

But to live with such hair in Soviet Russia is inappropriate.

- Why? - You will be shaved.

That's impossible!

Then you sit there until the end of life the janitor, I'll go look for chairs.

Ogólcie!

For shaving and haircutting pays you two rubles.

Why so expensive? Everywhere take 40 kopecks.

For conspiracy, Comrade feldmarsza³ku.

Well, you're done.

Nervous - please do not look!

Head of House Welfare No 2 thief was shy.

His whole nature revolted against theft,

but do not steal - he could not.

Steal - and ashamed.

Constantly steal and constantly ashamed.

World has not seen this yet celestial thief, like Alexander Yakovlevich.

"Being non-ferrous metals to the point of purchase helping society! "