Mom

All right, we're off to the meeting.

Have fun or cry, or whatever you guys do.

I have fun making other people cry.

- Did you find your keys yet? - Oh, yeah. Ten minutes ago.

Now I'm just crawling around looking for snacks.

I told you a million times,

- if you put your keys in the same... - Bup-bup-bup.

Maybe I left them upstairs.

(sportscaster speaking indistinctly on TV)

At some point tonight, between hockey fights,

could you throw away your tuna sandwich

that's been sitting there since lunch?

- I'll get to it. - Will you, though?

'Cause "I'll get to it" has kind of been your motto lately,

only things never actually get got to.

If it bothers you so much, why don't you do it?

'Cause I told you to do it.

I was actually gonna do it,

but... you just made it a thing.

It's only a thing

'cause you made it a thing, thing maker.

Couldn't find them. I promise I will put everything

back in the closet when we get home.

Better do it right away, or it could become a thing.

Mom, can you just drive?

Unbelievable... you can't keep track of your keys,

so I get inconvenienced.

Oh, look... I found your keys.

Why do you have them?

I borrowed your car to go to the store

: when I couldn't find my keys. Anyway...

you drive.

Oh, and you're on empty.

- I'll try not to kill her. - Whatever happens, happens.

Nice work... You made us late

and now Wendy's in my seat.

- It's not your seat. - Yeah, not today, thanks to you.

I need my sponsor. I need my sponsor.

You will never guess what my mother just did.

You do realize that's how you say hello.

- I'm sorry. Hello. - Hi.

You will never guess what my mother just did.

Instead of diving into that all-too-familiar pool of resentment,

let me ask you something.

You're 40 years old, right?

Not on Tinder.

- You have a... a job? - Yes. Mm-hmm.

And your mother drives you absolutely bananas.

- Oh, yeah. - So why do you still live with her?

Wendy, I think you're sitting on something.

- Oh, what? - My chair.

Did you see what your mother just did?

I know. Why the hell do I still live with her?

What is happening today? Now you're stealing my seat?

I am middle.

What does it matter?

That way I can have fries no matter who orders them.

Fine.

- Wait, I have to pee. Get up. - Oh!

That's why I like sitting next to you...

You have the bladder of a camel.

And the outsides of a much more attractive animal.

Do you guys think it's weird

that I still live with my mother?

I mean, she's asking, so we can answer, right?

She opened the door... Walk on through.

Okay, it's kind of like if you hated muffins,

but you decided to live in a muffin factory.

Oh, I'd love to live in a muffin factory.

What is a muffin factory? Isn't it just a bakery?

"Bakery" implies that there'd also be bread.

We don't have a lot of time!

Yes. You living with your mother is weird.

Really weird.

Like "people talk about it" weird.

But not us.

What do you think?

Well, when you were both getting sober, it made sense.

But, uh, time has passed.

A lot of time has passed.

- Are you moving out? - I'm not sure.

Nora told me to figure out what my options are,

but I think I'm too poor for options.

Christy...

I see you fishing for an invitation,

and I love you like sweet tea,

but living together always ruins a friendship.

You know, the way children ruin a marriage.

- There's plenty of room at my house. - Oh, yeah, do that.

One of my roommates is moving out

'cause she "fell in love."

I don't know.

Maybe moving is more trouble than it's worth.

- Fee-fi-fo-fum. - (door closes)

Up.

Oh, damn it, I forgot to put money in the meter. Up again.

So, would I get my own bathroom?

Hurry up, Bonnie!

Hey!

Perfection takes time.

You know... while you were waiting,

you could have thrown away that sandwich.

Could have.

Didn't.

Are you gonna get dressed?

I am dressed.

You're wearing a T-shirt.

And pants and shoes and... let's go.

You know what that T-shirt says to me?

It says "the woman I'm with

isn't worth buttons and sleeves."

To me, it says the "University of North Dakota."

I'd like you to change.

My clothes or who I am?

Both.

Not happening.

Well, then I am no longer in the mood for dinner.

- But I'm starving. - Then eat your sandwich!

So, Christy, what'd you think of the place?

I love it.

There's so much light and...

hope.

We won't charge extra for that.

It gets better... It's Peter's night to cook,

and he makes his own pasta.

Wow. A fireplace, hardwood floors

and homemade pasta?

- I'm getting lightheaded. - Are you a diabetic?

Have you traveled to any tropical countries

in the last six months?

It's just my socially awkward way

of saying I'm happy.

Oh, got it. Sorry.

We're kind of in nurse mode all the time.

Well, I can't afford health insurance,

so that's another plus.

Mmm.

Peter, this is delicious.

Oh. Cooking relaxes me... Which I really needed

after a day of assisting Dr. Clevenger.

The worst.

So full of himself. Like he's the only surgeon

who's ever resected a bowel without spilling fecal matter into the abdomen.

I helped him remove a giant tumor the other day...

It burst like a water balloon.

Larry slipped in the pus.

More sauce?

I'm good.

So, is that an apple tree out back?

Yeah. In the fall, we make cider.

Oh.

Apple cider by the fireplace.

How wonderful.

Remember when that teenager came into the E.R.

with the apple lodged in his eye socket?

PETER (laughs): Oh, yeah. Yeah.

His friend shot it out of an air cannon, and boom,

nothing but apple sauce and ocular fluid oozing out of the hole.

Oh, boy.

This is so fun.

If you live here, we can do this every night.

Ooh. And when we extracted

the apple, the ocular nerve

came stretching out like a rubber band.

: Where's your bathroom?

He won't throw away the damn sandwich.

It's been four days... if it's still there tomorrow,

I think I'm within my rights to set him on fire.

Why didn't you share about it?

Maybe she knows how ridiculous it sounds.

This used to be a safe space, Marjorie.

And then you started coming and we've adjusted.

Pow!

Hit her back, Bonnie... This is getting good.

I'm genuinely worried.

Boyfriend Adam made an effort,

Fiancé Adam is slacking off.

At this rate, Husband Adam will only be

hockey games, ball scratches and farts.

At least you'll be married.

Will I? We set a date, but we haven't told anybody...

I can still wiggle out of this.

Over a sandwich.

Safe space, Marjorie, safe space.

Ralph's watching the kids... I'm a free woman.

I can go nuts, as long as I'm home by 9:30.

Oh. Okay. Um, you know what?

I'm gonna meet you there. I have a feeling

this one is hovering with a purpose.

Sorry. Mm.

Okay...

- I did what you said. - Mm-hmm.

- I looked at my other options. - Good for you.

I can afford a studio apartment

that used to be a guest bathroom,

a basement out of Silence of the Lambs

or I can move into a gorgeous house with Wendy

and never eat again.

So... ?

None of them are better than what I've got now,