Teachers

Everybody shut up.

I've got dibs on the new AV camera today.

Nobody check it out.

I'm making my audition tape for "The Bachelor."

I totally forgot it is due by 5:00 p.m. today.

I can't believe you want to participate

in that sexist institution.

It's not sexist.

It's almost all women.

I don't think you understand.

"The Bachelor" is the one reality show

I'd actually go on...

if I had a more flattering cry face.

- I feel the same way about "Steven Seagal: Lawman."

"The Bachelor" reinforces archaic gender stereotypes.

I know.

I would be so perfect for it.

Who wants to be my cameraperson?

Good lucking finding a woman

who has low enough self-esteem to enable you.

- I'll do it. - Mary Louise!

Thank you.

Yes.

Good morning, ladies!

I just want to remind everyone

that Superintendent Greg

is coming today.

This visit needs to be flawless

after Ms. Feldman's potato battery explosion

last year.

I don't need another auto-tuned video of me

on the Internet.

I will not be humiliated like that again.

Everyone needs to be

on their best behavior.

- Ms. Cannon. - Oh.

Don't worry.

I'll be using fractions to teach about

the inequalities transgender people face.

Absolutely not.

You're studying shapes.

Construction paper and glue.

All day.

Oh, and Feldman...

we're skipping your classroom.

I don't want the superintendent to know

that you still teach here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm prepared this year.

I made a lesson plan.

My class is doing a buttload of oral reports,

and I put this dress on layaway at Marshalls

two months ago.

Not happening.

Bro,

just give me one more chance.

Fine. We'll stop by.

But if you want to continue teaching here,

you will not embarrass me.

I don't even know the meaning of the word "embarrassment."

Oh, Jesus.

Take a good look, guys.

This is the man we've been preparing all week to impress.

Now, what are we gonna say when he comes in?

Buenos días, Superintendente.

Bonjour, Directeur.

Kon'nichiwa, Superintendent-San.

That was great.

Very natural.

Should I show him how I can fart with my armpit?

That might be too impressive, Jason.

Let's keep that light under a bushel, okay?

Hey.

I bought you a "reading is a hoot" poster.

Thought you could use it to cover your 50 Cent collage.

Thanks, but I already tricked it out.

All right, guys, let's finish our math homework.

Cool.

You okay?

I'm dialed in with a laser-like focus.

Every fiber of my being is dedicated

to achieving one goal:

Winning the respect of Pearson and the superintendent.

My entire life has led up to this one moment.

There's nothing that can stop me.

Wow. Sounds like you got it all covered.

Jason crawled up in the ceiling.

I really hope Miss Snap gets on "The Bachelor,"

because she inspires me.

I wanted to be a cheerleader,

and Miss Snap coached me for the tryouts.

Ready? Okay!

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

Not only did I make the squad,

I became head cheerleader.

Thank you, Miss Snap.

The superintendent is coming!

Quick! Back to your seat.

Chelsea,

is it really worth lying

just to get on "The Bachelor"?

Clearly, you haven't seen the show.

Now go!

Okay.

When I first learned about the French-Indian War,

I was at a foam party in Mexico.

Jason.

We don't want Miss Feldman to look like a poop-face teacher

in front of the superintendent, do we?

I don't care!

Jason, please.

If you come down right now,

I'll give you ten dollars.

Or three dollars and a Fro-Yo punch card.

The next one's free!

No!

Oh, my gosh, Captain America just walked in the room.

Nice try. He's at the S.H.I.E.L.D. Hover base.

Jason, get your mother - ass butt

out of that mother sucking ceiling.

Is he down yet?

So not down!

And Miss Feldman cursed.

Oh, no she didn't.

Hillary, can you go to Miss Feldman's drawer

and give everyone a Wendy's coupon?

I've got an idea.

- We can smoke him out. - What is that?

It's a bottle of Gap Dream

one of my students gave me last Christmas.

It's better than tear gas.

He'll be down in a second.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Jason, stay where you are!

Oh!

He's on the move.

Okay, guys. What do you think?

Bigger.

You're right. Good eye.

Chelsea,

I just watched an episode of "The Bachelor."

It's so romantic.

You're right.

It's totally worth lying for.

I know.

It's like an all-star game

for morally corrupt young sexies.

I have to be on it.

We are gonna make you look so beautiful.

- Totally slutty. - Unpredictable.

- Slightly mentally ill. - Vulnerable.

A victim who hates herself.

Oh, my gosh.

I'll get to hang out with you every day

and then go home at night and watch you on my TV.

Eee!

We'll always be together.

Hey.

Have you heard any strange noises coming from the ceiling?

No. Why?

Talk in the hall. Helter-skelter.

My bad, girl.

No sign of him here.

How could you lose the kid in the ceiling?

You're already on Pearson's shit list.

I know!

And that was just for blowing up a dumb-ass potato.

Can you imagine if he found out

I started the 2013 lice outbreak?

That went statewide.

Statewide!

You're the reason I had to cut my hair?

I looked like Anne Hathaway in the last half of "Les Mis."

I thought you guys knew that.

I was the only one who got them in my hair down there.

Lesson learned.

Never buy a Fedora at Goodwill.

I'm gonna tell! I'm gonna tell!

This situation is FUBAR.

I got to contain this kid.

I can assure you, Superintendent,

everyone's very excited

to show you what they've been working on.

And no potato batteries.

That wasn't funny.

Very efficient cutting of circle, square,

and triangle shapes, class.

Let's keep it up.

Miss Cannon, look!

A snowman!

A snow man?

Can I ask you a question?

Why is he a snow man?

Uh, because he's a man and he's made of snow.

You know, you could make him a snow woman.

But I don't want to.

Why?

Are you threatened by the power of a snow woman?