Muffin Top: A Love Story

Ow!

¶ There's always Someone saying ¶

¶ Somebody needs Something changing ¶

¶ It's all a game We're playing ¶

¶ It's never ending ¶

¶ And no one can keep up ¶

¶ Makes you feel Less than perfect ¶

¶ Feels like It's so not worth it ¶

¶ Labeled some kind of misfit ¶

¶ Tell me haven't you Just had enough? ¶

¶ Beauty has many faces ¶

¶ You'll see them Different places ¶

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

That goofy ballerina is me.

At this point in my life, I didn't worry about my weight

but, of course, that didn't last.

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ You can refuse to listen ¶

¶ To all the... ¶

Like most average American girls,

I grew up seeing 200 to 400 advertising images

of what women are supposed to look like

every day of my life.

¶ And who you are Is just fine ¶

¶ Unique and one of a kind ¶

¶ No pressure now to define ¶

¶ Anything to anyone but you ¶

The women in the ads we see are a size 0 to size 4.

Even though the average American woman is a size 14,

the same size as Marilyn Monroe.

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

Ninety-six percent of American girls

say they feel bad about themselves

because they don't look like a supermodel.

¶ I am beautiful ¶

¶ I am beautiful ¶

There are three billion women on earth

and 100 of them are supermodels,

which makes supermodels the rarest of genetic freaks.

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

thousands of hermaphrodites,

people with the genitalia of both sexes.

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I'm happy When I'm just myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

So don't feel bad

you're not a genetic freak supermodel.

Feel bad you don't have a penis and a vagina.

Because at least you had a shot at that one.

All right.

You guys, papers are due on Friday.

Please, I have office hours.

My TA, Elise, has office hours.

Come to us. I want to help you.

I want you guys to impress me, okay?

It's ironic I teach Feminist Media in Los Angeles,

the belly of the entertainment beast.

No real woman can live up to Hollywood images,

not even the women in them.

I'm not actually fat. But you can't tell me that.

Even on my wedding day, when I had lost 15 pounds

and was swimming in my dress, I didn't feel thin enough.

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

My whole life I have had one simple wish.

To finally stop obsessing about my weight.

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I'm happy... ¶

How you choose to think about a small roll of fat

can change your life.

For me, it all started with a woman's head between my legs,

but not in a good way.

Hm, you're running out of time

to get these buns in your oven, cookie.

Statistically speaking, the day you turn 40,

your chances drop by half.

Boom. Oh.

You know, I called over to the lab

and they haven't received your husband's sperm yet.

Five more days, we're gonna have to freeze those eggs.

What's his big problem anyway?

He's very busy. It's pilot season.

Big TV executive can't find the time to jerk off?

I thought that's what they're best at.

Ha.

Well, you better get a jar

and you better drive it to the lab yourself.

Get on the stick, sister.

Okay, I'll do it.

Who's a good boy?

Come on, buddy, we're gonna go see Daddy at the office.

Okay, buddy, go kennel. Oh, he's a good boy.

He's a good boy. Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.

Good boy, go kennel.

Good boy.

Okay.

That's Daddy's sperm.

Good boy. Stay.

¶ This is where we decide ¶

¶ To put it all behind ¶

¶ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ¶

You can't just drop by the office for a jar of sperm.

I'm taking the week off so that I could get knocked up

and so that I could neuter the dog.

Why didn't we get a labradoodle, like I wanted.

Now we've got this nutless mutt.

Don't call him that. He can hear you.

Look, honey, I get that the hormone shots

are making you moody.

Moody?

Do you realize that I have gained one pound

for every single day this week?

Look, sweetheart.

Mm-hm.

A man in my position can't just jerk off

in an equal opportunity workplace.

The lawyers told us this.

You have a private bathroom. What's that for?

Michael? It's not for that.

Oh, hey, speak of the devil.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't worry. I was just telling my wife

what a great place this is to work.

Hi.

You know, that equal pay for equal work

and blah blah blah.

Jessica's in reality.

Right. We have some awesome new shows.

We have this one that we call "Dancing With the Cons."

It's a contest show.

It's convicts singing and dancing.

And I'm telling you,

these convicts are surprisingly likeable

and really talented, right?

For, like, crooks.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Well, so, this has been great, Jessica,

thanks very much and I'll be with you shortly.

Oh, sure.

Sorry.

Thanks. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Super cute dog.

Aw, thank you.

I like his little outfit.

She couldn't be more adorable.

Ha. Ha.

Wow, they just get younger

every year, don't they?

What's with the cookie poufed-up fakey lips?

Oh, oh, I like 'em. Fake is the new real.

Really?

You know what, though? I have been really distracted.

I'm sorry.

I know but we have to focus on this.

This is our life.

No, no, I'm focused. We have to get this together.

No, no, no, I'm focused. I'm focused.

When? When, when, when?

Well, on Thursday we have that therapy session at Beverley Hills.

Yes?

I'll go to the clinic after that and make a big old deposit, okay?

Promise?

Yeah, bucketful.

Oh, thank you. I love you.

All right.

It's four pounds from today, but I will take it.

You know what, baby? On you, it looks good.

No, it does not.

My grab handles right here.

Oh, don't call it that. I hate that.

I got to go. BooBoo, come on.

Yeah, get that dog outta here.

He's a good boy, c'mon.

That is not a good boy. It's not even a boy.

Really, I don't even know why we're in couples therapy today

'cause we're actually really happy.

It's just that I'm trying to get pregnant

and we just sort of thought, you know, we'd come in

and do a little preventative something, you know.

I mean, it's not like we really have any issues.

It's probably just a waste of time.

Well, Suzanne, as you know...

My God. Oh, my God.

You're leaving me.

You're leaving me. He's leaving me.

He's leaving me. He's leaving me.

He's leaving me. You're leaving me.