M*A*S*H

All right, all right, all right.

‐Let's go, let's go. ‐Let's go, Cho!

Hey!

Look at the spin Cho puts on that ball.

Kill him, Cho. Kill him!

Colonel Potter, please. A little dignity.

Dignity, hell. I got three bucks on this.

‐Wow! ‐(all cheering)

Final set. Match point.

Cho leads 20‐17.

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Let's go, Cho!

I haven't seen a backhand like that

since I tried an exploratory on Nurse Baker.

(whistle blows, crowd groans)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Match point. 20‐18.

Beauty, Cho.

‐Yeah! We won! Frank, we won! ‐Aw, fudge!

Frank, you bet against us.

Well, I got three‐to‐one odds.

Take it easy. You'll all get your money.

We're in the champ's dressing room, folks.

Congratulations, Cho. You really came through for us.

I did it for the 4077th, Colonel Potter, and apple pie.

Would you like to say a few words to the folks at home?

Hello, folks at home. I did it for you, too.

Thanks, champ. Why don't you take a shower?

I'd rather have cash.

Now, speaking of cash, I must see my bookie.

Okay, Igor, let me have my money.

I must have paid out too much.

Wait a minute. I'm a winner.

You're lucky. A lot of guys lost.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.

All available surgeons to operating room.

Ping‐Pong poopers!

They heard we were having fun, so they attacked.

This war is just one big joke to you,

‐isn't it, Dr. Wisenheimer? ‐Oh, yeah, right, Frank.

I'm laughing all the way to the blood bank.

Why don't you look where you're going?

I wasn't moving, Major. You ran into me.

Then why don't you look where I'm going?

These Occident‐prone accidentals.

They can't do anything right.

He didn't look too clumsy

when he was winning the championship.

If you ask me, the other guy threw the match.

They stick together, you know.

Like North and South Korea.

You bet against us, huh, Frank?

At Pearl Harbor, he took the Japanese and six points.

Well, he got three‐to‐one.

It's guys like you that ruin a man's reputation.

We're only doing what you'd do, Frank, if you had time.

Business has really been brisk today.

Word of mouth.

You do good work, one wounded man tells another.

Giving away free ammunition hasn't hurt business, either.

Casualties were greater

than Headquarters anticipated.

Beats me how the experts

can generally tell to a man

how many wounded we're gonna get.

If they're so smart, why don't they find a way

to put a stop to this nonsense?

I can hear every word you're sayin', Doc.

That's because the fragment is in your rear

instead of your ear.

The anesthetic isn't working.

Relax, soldier. We haven't given it to you yet.

I'm Lieutenant Colonel Harold Becket, damn it!

Don't blame me. I didn't name ya.

It's kind of hard to tell an officer

from an enlisted man at this angle.

Did you see all those wounded?

They're my boys.

I bet your wife wanted a girl.

Becket? Is that you?

I know that voice.

Harold Becket.

Sherman Po‐‐

you old army mule.

Takes one to know one.

What are you doing here?

He's with a group of underprivileged soldiers

that got sent to camp for the summer.

I never expected to see your ugly face again.

Just like the old days, Harold.

You put your best foot forward,

and they shoot you where you think.

What does it look like, Doctor?

Looks like any other butt.

‐Nothing serious. ‐Don't worry, Colonel.

We'll have this in a sling in no time.

Have 'em take good care of me, Sherm.

These boys know what they're doin'.

We specialize in officers' butts.

They're trained in brain surgery.

Oh, God help me.

That's what I'm here for.

Okay, fill 'er up, angel.

What'll we drink to?

It's now 4:00. Why don't we drink to 5:00?

We drank to 5:00 yesterday.

‐Let's drink to 6:00. ‐Ah.

You know, this is a particularly good brew.

What's the secret?

I used a pair of 1949 sweat socks

with matching garters.

No wonder. This vintage has legs.

‐Cho! ‐Hey! Come in, champ.

Captains, I am pleased to introduce to you

my friend Soony.

‐How do you do, Soony? ‐Hello, Soony.

Come on in. Have a seat. Excuse the mess.

Our houseboy was drafted two years ago.

Ohh. Nice.

Nice Swamp.

We were going to redecorate,

but why put money into a place when you're just renting?

You got mess? Soony will clean for you.

‐(speaking Korean) ‐Ohh!

‐Yes. Yes. ‐Oh, no, no, no, no.

Soony's a good housekeeper.

She'll make this place like a new Swamp.

No, no, no, no, no, please, please.

Don't disturb the dust. It's right where we like it.

I don't know how this got in here.

‐Please. ‐Okay.

Don't clean. It makes me nervous.

‐Okay. ‐Soony's looking for a job.

Oh, well, maybe we can help her find something

‐around here. ‐Sure.

Soony can clean anything.

You know, spick‐and‐span.

How much English do you speak, Soony?

Some of it.

That much?

And I have an announcement to make.

We're getting married.

Hey! Mixed doubles!

Congratulations, champ. Congratulations, Soony.

You're welcome.

And you're both invited to the wedding.

‐Thank you. ‐Oh, terrific.

‐Where's it gonna be? ‐I don't know yet.

Soony's village is flat as a pancake from artillery.

She's an orphan.

Maybe you could get married here.

Would you like that?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

You made Soony and me very happy.

When do you want to have the wedding?

As soon as I get enough money for the ring.

How much do you need for that?

I have 60 American dollars. I need 40 more.

What do you say, Beej? $20 will get you a seat

‐on the bride's side. ‐No Soony said than done.

I always like looking on the bride side.

My Uncle Lu in Seoul sells jewelry wholesale,

also a little retail.

He has a gold ring with a big diamond

for a hundred dollars.

Be careful your Uncle Lu doesn't do to you

what our Uncle Sam is doing to us.

Oh, no. Uncle Lu is one honest john.

All right, here. You can pay us back whenever you get it.

I'll pay you back. I'll pay you back right away.

Good‐bye, Captain Hawkeye, Captain B. J.

‐Good‐bye. ‐Good‐bye. Good‐bye.

Bye‐bye, Soony.

You're welcome.

‐Ah, well, thank you. ‐Thank you.

Step on a feather, Frank?

You're a great judge of character, Pierce.

Right. I always knew you didn't have any.

Lending money to an Oriental.

You can say sayonara to your moola.

He'll pay us back.

Listen, I wouldn't lend him a dime

unless he was able to put up some collateral.

Frank, whatever collateral he had

we blew up last week.

Yeah, smarty‐pants. You won't see him again.

A fool and his money are soon parted.

Somebody's been using my broom.

Oh, yeah. There was that little girl

who was in here with the long blonde curls.

‐Ate your porridge. ‐Sat on your chair.

Said your bed was just right.

Well, tell her to knock it off.

Major Burns, sir?

Don't ever sneak up on me like that, twerp!

And especially when you're with one of them.

She's one of us, sir.

She may be one of you, but she's not one of me.

Uh, Miss Soony wants a job, sir.