Lip Service

Yeah. Eyes to me.

Yeah, that's good.

So, how long have you been in the States?

Two years.

- Why do you move here? - Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Keep it to me.

So you're from London?

Yeah.

But I moved to Glasgow when I was eleven.

My boyfriend's family's from Europe.

- Yeah? - Yeah. We're getting hitched.

My manager wanted us to do this lame rock wedding thing

but we thought we'd sneak up to Vegas and do it Chapel of Love style.

Sounds great.

Can I just...

Yeah.

He's a great guy too.

Looks like a real hard man, but...

he's a total softy.

And how long have you been into women?

I didn't say I was.

You don't have to.

They'll be wanting us out of here.

Better tell them we're still busy.

Yeah?

Karen!

When?

I see...

Um... I'm working right now.

Can I get you on this number in a couple of hours?

Ok, bye.

Are you ok?

My aunt just died.

I'm so sorry, were you close?

My uncle and aunt brought me up after my parents died.

God, I'm so sorry.

Don't be.

The way I see it,

one family member down, two to go.

Now, where were we?

"You have three new messages"

"Message one."

Hey, Frankie! Al here. Where are you?

I've been calling your cell for days. Are you out chasing tail again?

You outrageous tart.

Call me.

"Message two."

This is a message for Ms Alan regarding the outstanding payment on your credit card.

Can you call us to discuss. Thank you.

"Message three."

This is your Aunty Carol here.

Francesca I'm, I'm...

I need you to come home.

There's something I want...

I need to tell you face to face. I hope you'll forgive me.

"You have no more messages."

Cigarette?

- All right, gorgeous?! How much? - Hello!

- So the flight sucked? - Yeah, well, it would've been fine

if the guy next to me hadn't got to chatting about his kids.

See when that happens I just zone out and stare at the air hostesses.

I have this fantasy about stripping their clothes off and taking them up the aisle.

Jay you have fantasies about everyone except own mum and sister.

That is not true.

My sister's quite hot.

Are you all right, by the way?

You know, about your aunt.

I haven't spoken to her in ten years so what's the difference?

I've been needing a break from New York so this was the perfect excuse.

I was thinking about popping into the office later for lunch.

Lunch? No, I don't know if that's such a good idea. Um...

Cat's joined the firm.

I suppose she's still angry with me?

Well, you know, she doesn't really talk about you much these days.

Were you hoping to see her while you're over?

Um, maybe.

You haven't told her about my aunt?

No!

Look, I haven't told her you're over.

I'm keeping well out of this.

Good.

Cat, look...

This is Chloe's Facebook picture.

And this is the picture I took of her at your birthday party.

- One and the same! - Tess, I just need to...

She dumps me and then the bitch

uses a sexy photo I took of her as her Facebook picture.

Is it just me or is that criminal?

- It might just be you. - She wasn't even on Facebook. She's...

she's probably only on there

to lure some new girlfriend in to her lair.

Do you know what? She is history...

They can take her away and incinerate her for all I care!

- That's my laundry basket. - Good! She could do with a wash,

filthy trollop.

I'm on Gaydar.

The cop just asked me for a drink tonight.

Jesus. Bury the headline!

- Why didn't you say? - I was trying to. I need to get back to her.

Do you think I should* suggest another night?

When I have more time to prepare?

It's a date, Cat,

not the Miss Gay UK pageant. I thought you liked her.

I do which is why I want to make sure I'm ready.

Frankie was two years ago,

how much more ready can you be?

She's pretty, she's butch, she's a cop.

It's like, she's all your fantasies rolled in to one.

I need a haircut, and my bedroom's a tip.

What if I want to bring her back here?

I mean, I haven't got that tea stain on the carpet...

Yeah, well, Romeo was nuts for Juliet till he saw the tea stain on her carpet.

You need to move on.

You're going. Tonight. Ok?

Tess!

Can you take Chloe out of the laundry basket?

It's the second floor.

Why don't we go out on the piss and catch up?

You can meet Becky.

Yeah, all right.

I borrowed the skirt off Cat.

- Yeah, you look great. - No, I don't, I look rubbish!

How does your sister carry this off?

Maybe it just looks better on a control freak.

Is he slacking again?

No. I'm engaged in the very important task of helping Tess choose an audition outfit.

I wouldn't take his advice,

I'm the only one with style in our family.

Good luck!

- I'm off to work. - See ya!

This is a disaster.

I've got exactly one hour to find an

audition outfit and I don't even know what a face cream expert looks like.

Hopeless anyway.

I'm gonna be surrounded by a bunch of girlie straight women who actually use face cream.

Damn it! Why did I have to find out about her Facebook picture today

on the one day I could get a job and sort my life out?

- Do you think she's gone on there to pull? - No.

Everyone's on Facebook. It's what you do.

Well, that's why you joined though...

I'm so desperate I think going to the dentist is a pulling opportunity.

Well, I don't understand. You're kind and funny,

women should be queuing up.

Women of my age don't want impoverished, would-be novelists.

They want rich, attractive James Bond types who

- wrestle sharks and eat steak raw. - You are attractive.

Really?

You've never said I'm attractive before.

Well, I am a lesbian so I'm not sure it counts.

Oh this is so annoying.

I've got the perfect dress but I left it at Chloe's when I moved out.

Sod it.

I'm going to go round there and get it.

- Are you sure that's a good idea? - Yeah, why not? She'll be at work.

Come on. Look...

I'm not letting her ruin this along with everything else.

I can't go on my own.

Please...

Shit.

Come on, we're going to be late!

- Here we go. - Not that way.

Where are you going?

- This way! - Tess!

Tess...

Tess...

I had to give my keys back but the bedroom window's got a faulty catch.

If you jiggle the frame you can get it open.

- What?! - Can you help me up?

Wait a minute! You didn't say anything about breaking in.

Well, it's no big deal.

We did it all the time when we lost our keys.

That was when you lived herer. Now, we're technically burglars.

You can't burgle something that belongs to you.

- No! - I thought you said you wanted to be like James Bond.

James Bond would help me up.

I was looking for you earlier. They said you took the morning off.

Oh, yeah... I was at the, er...

doctors.

Phew! Have you checked out Alistair's new PA?

She's got this whole mysterious thing going on.

That's just what men say when they haven't seen a woman naked yet. Anyway, you've got a girlfriend.

I'm only looking.

I'm relying on my single friends for vicarious kicks.

A little bird tells me you've got a date with a hot cop.

- I'm going to kill Tess. - Come on, it's exciting.

I thought the whole cop thing was getting you going.

I know, I know. It's just that I'm not

cut out for this whole blind dating thing.

I have no idea what to expect.

Just got to go with the flow.

Enjoy the spontaneity!

Actually,

scrub that, you'll never manage it. How about I go instead?

She'd be welcome to take down my particulars.

Are you ok?

Cat?

I've just got to... toilet.

Cat?!

I was only messing about.

Can you hurry up?