Concrete Plans

Ahoy! Alright, Bob?

Hey!

Quick piss and a stretch, alright?

We're already late. Bob.

Dave! Thanks for doing this, bud. Good to see you, bud.

And you, mate.

- It's Viktor. - Ah, Viktor.

- Nice to see you. - Nice to see you.

This is Jim.

So this the A Team, eh, Bob?

Your nephew who's never worked,

a Cossack and a fucking pensioner, huh?

Cossack?

Calm down. I'm just kidding, alright?

That's your joke? I'm Russian to you?

I'm Ukrainian.

You're all the same to me.

Okay, thank you, ladies.

Right, if you want three months work, jump in the van.

If you don't then stay here and have a chat.

Alright? In we go.

Off we fuck then, boys.

Siding with the immigrant, eh?

You're all fucking immigrants around here, bud.

Oi! Stop pissing on the flowers!

Who said, If you live amongst wolves,

you must act like a wolf.

Was it A) Ernest Hemingway...

Haven't seen like a building or nothing in like,

twenty minutes.

It's like being in bloody Africa or something.

Yeah, we got all sorts going on down here now.

Electricity, poppety pings.

Go down, Cardiff Bay after a skinfull.

Squint. Could be Sydney, bud. Huh?

Smell that fresh air, Stevie boy!

Once your inheritance clears, everything's golden, Simon.

But I'm afraid until then your financial situation

is rather more Milton Keynes than Monaco.

Building work's a money pit. It's notorious for it.

Not on the terms I've got this guy.

You'll inherit this fucking pile of rocks by Christmas.

Just sit tight and enjoy the views.

It's exactly what my family would expect of me.

Simon! Have you seen my keys?

No, darling. Have you tried the kitchen?

Ouch! Fuck!

Sorry about that.

Look, you employ me to give you advice.

If you're not going to listen, then I might as well go.

But you need to know, there's been rumors...

I mean, the city runs on them but um,

about further clamp downs.

The inheritance trust, the Caymans,

but every penny is in there.

You said that was legitimate.

Now did you avoid that or evade it?

Look, one's a criminal offense,

the other earns a gold star in ingenuity.

Inheritance tax isn't meant to be optional.

Just once I wish you'd bring me good news.

Oh!

There's an alarming amount of testosterone in here.

Erm, I thought we were off to the wild's.

Sorry, the builders are late.

Great.

Darling, I've just been told this whole renovation thing's

a bad idea.

What do you think?

Well, um, what's he called? Is it Robert?

- Richard. - Richard.

Richard.

Personally, I... I think it's fine how it is,

but I think you'll find if this one has an idea in his head,

he, er, he's very hard to dissuade.

It was just advice.

Right. I'll be heading off.

Simon, don't worry about that thing we were talking about.

I'll keep my ears to the ground and make contingency.

I suppose I'd better unpack then?

Okay.

Oh my God, man. What a shit hole!

You never been to Rhyll, then?

Well, it's only for a couple of weeks, lads.

Once we've got the barn fitted up, we'll camp in there, yeah?

Breathe it in, lads, that's as sweet as she's gonna smell.

The five of is in here, eh?

Fucking hell.

This is fucking luxury.

I've got shit in some plastic box

like some student at Glastonbury.

It stinks in here, Bob. It smells like someone died.

Yeah, well do us a favor,

shift your stuff, you're on the top.

Shut it.

Okay, so!

Hay barn to be renovated.

Restoration to that barn there.

And the outbuilding conversion.

Now, let's just get the parameters crystal clear.

Shall we?

Three months, or completion penalties will kick in.

Let's just bring her in on time and on budget, yes?

Absolutely lads, yeah?

- Oh! - I'm sorry.

- Ooh! - Are you alright?

No worries.

Er, hiya, gents!

- Hi. - Hey.

I was gonna come and bring you all cups of tea

but I kinda had a hunch you'd expect it from then on...

So I've left a box of tea in the kitchen for you.

Sounds good.

And there's plenty of sugar in there, too.

Oh, sorry, I'm Amy by the way!

- Okay so, intros done, yeah? - Yes.

Can we just get one thing clear?

Down here is the construction site.

Up there is our home, and it's off limits.

You understand?

Yeah, oh, on that.

Look, the mobile signals a bit in and out

and it's a two hour round trip to the supplier,

so I was just wondering if I could use the landline?

I'll run an extension cable by the porch, how's that?

That's fine, yeah.

Okay. Alright, come on, let's go.

Shall we?

Yeah.

- Seem alright? - Yeah.

Hey? Hello?

Are you there?

Hi, it's Jim.

Jim!

You don't need to know where I am, okay?

I'm lying low, keeping my head down.

The Hounslow job. The warehouse.

When I turned around, there was this fucking security guard

running at me, okay?

It was FUBAR.

Fucking Google it!

Look, I just lost it, okay?

He was a mess.

I need a passport.

Hey. Are you there?

Okay.

- Ooh. - Here you go, sir.

Cheers, thank you.

You know, when I was your age, we had all hills like this,

black as tar from the works.

Trees, bushes, everything, coated in shit!

Everyone had a cough

but everyone had work.

I always wanted to travel

but it just never seemed to happen.

I've only left the valleys twice.

It's been three years for me away from home.

This my last job.

Last one?

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- What's happening, boys? - This is the life, hey?

Oh, that smells well nice.

You're a lot good at cooking, ain't ya?

I still can't get this bloody Wi-Fi, Bob.

Yeah, we're on a rock

in the middle of sheep country, Steve, yeah?

- Just leave that for a bit, mate. - Don't be an idiot, mate,

you can get Wi-Fi, everywhere, Bob.

Do you know that? It's everywhere.

What's with my fucking phone, man?

It's a joke!

How's there no Wi-Fi here?

We're here for three months, Bob!

What we gonna do, there's no Facebook?

No Netflix?

For three months, man.

What are you lot laughing for?

What we gonna do? There's no porn!

For three months man, fucking hell, man.

That's human rights to have Wi-Fi.

What you laughing for? I've got needs, man.

That's fucking abuse!

- For fuck's sake. - Listen.

- What? - Stop complaining, alright?

You could be somewhere a lot worse than this,

you remember that, alright? You're a lucky lad.

Here's to a good job being done on time, yeah?

Yeah. Cheers.

Three months? Fucking good luck with that.

Yeah well, you heard what he said,

we've got no choice, yeah?

- Who's in? - Yep.

Deal the foreigner out?

Well done, big boy.

Is it because I have different passport?

It's not like getting a passport is hard thing.

Or is it?

I'm done.

Hey, Vik!

Right!