Taskmaster

Is this a joke?

Yeah! Grr.

Mm. Ooh. Ah!

Oh!

Oh, I like that!

Wow. Ooh.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, and welcome to another prestigious grand final.

What a series it's been.

We've seen each of our contestants at times soar

like the mighty eagle of the plains,

and we've also seen them be rubbish.

But what will you all be talking about when the dust has settled?

Will it be Victoria's repeated submission of Greedy Esquire?

Perhaps Morgana taking any opportunity

to shove ice into her clothes.

Maybe it'll be Guz's film masterpiece, Oo-arr Blood.

Or Alan's guff-stiffened bathrobe.

It could be any of those fascinating insights into the human condition.

It'll probably be that time that Desiree ate sand though!

So, for the last time, here they are.

Please welcome Alan Davies.

Desiree Burch.

Guz Khan.

Morgana Robinson.

And Victoria Coren Mitchell.

And next to me, a man who once told me

I always put my botty on the potty,

in case my front water becomes smelly back cake.

It's little Alex Horne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whoo!

You all right? Yeah, I'm good.

I thought I'd use this platform, the final,

to reveal a part of my body I've never revealed before.

I'm a bit nervous about. Oh, you've never revealed it to anyone?

Well, I've revealed it to my closest family members. OK.

My wife, my father, my cousin.

The big three!

Mum never gets a look in, does she?

She never makes the top three.

No, well, not when it's this item.

My tail.

It's a real tail? Yeah.

You going to show it to us? I'm going to show it to you. Now?

No, no. I want you to imagine it a bit.

I've imagined it. What did it look like?

Like a horrible, disgusting, curly pig's tail.

His tail's all off to one side.

Well, I'm not going to show you till the end of the show if you're going to be like that.

Oh, OK. What is the final prize task, tail boy?

You've asked them to bring in the most magnificent floppy thing. Wow.

The most magnificent floppy thing will get a well-deserved five points,

and the winner of the episode will get a quintet of magnificent

floppy things to keep forever.

Big old floppy thing.

Guz Khan. Yes.

I know you're going to bring the flop.

I wanted this final prize task to be poignant.

To be something that saves lives.

My magnificent floppy thing, it's a blood pressure monitor.

Now let me explain, if I can. Please.

If anyone can talk this up the rankings, it's you.

Thank you, thank you.

For this fairly cheap invention, yeah?

There was aunties and uncles up and down this country

who were there like, "Oh, I have a strange feeling in my chest."

Pah, dead, finished.

And because of this now,

they are able to monitor and find the silent killer.

That's what they call it in the medical world, don't they? Yeah, it's true.

Find the silent killer before it strikes

and takes them out of the game.

He sold it well. Oh, my God, he sold it well.

Have you ever worked in sales? Yeah, I have. I have.

You are one silver-tongued devil.

Right, let's crash right back down to Earth.

Victoria.

Now. Now.

When I think about what I have to show you now, I feel sad.

Because it reminds me of a time, before this series started,

when we had to come up with our prizes,

we'd bring things for you, Greg.

A man who I thought loved, above all, jokes, comedy, laughter...

I do. ..happiness.

And it is with that in mind that I offer you this.

Battlefield Earth on DVD.

You see the joke I'm going there for, Greg?

Yeah, yeah, it was a flop, yeah? It was a flop.

And as I reflect on that innocent time

when I thought you would be pleased... Yeah.

..that someone had come up with a carefully-crafted pun.

This is called doubling down, isn't it?

I want to weep.

I don't mind it's a play on words, Victoria, it's nice.

Yeah. But, I mean, come on.

When the inevitable cardiac arrest strikes me and the door opens,

I'm going to be praying it's Guz and not you.

Better or worse than a heart monitor, Morgana?

It's Claudia Winkleman's fringe.

The Floppy Fringe of Winkleman.

Do you understand how much money that fringe has made? That mannequin...

That mannequin does look like Claudia Winkleman.

She's normally more tanned than that. Is that her actual fringe? Yeah.

No, that is when I played her, it's in my wig box.

Right. Don't penalise me for that one.

I'm not going to walk into her house and chop it off when she's asleep.

Exciting at the bottom, isn't it?

Alan. Well, it's a model of me.

It was made for a television programme about 20 years ago. Oh.

In which my character's wife uses a model of me as a voodoo doll

and sticks pins in,

and the props department, uh, allowed me to keep it.

And it has, uh, concealed about its person, quite a floppy surprise.

Here is the floppy Alan Davies. Yeah.

And... surprise!

Wow.

The body and the legs and the head are all obviously reduced

but the penis is actual size.

But what's fascinating about this is that

the penis does not feature in the programme at all.

So it's a needless addition just for a jape.

I can't stop looking at it.

I mean, you're right. I actually can't take my eyes off it.

It's sort of making my mouth water.

Love... LAUGHTER

Oh, Alex.

You're a naughty otter.

That is out of character.

That's what I thought, but there it is.

It's in danger of scoring higher than life-saving machinery.

Desiree, good luck.

Yeah, I know. Now, look, that was the first thing that came to mind

when I thought about a magnificent floppy thing,

but I thought that I'd try to push myself a little further.

And the only thing that kept coming to mind was an air dancer.

So I brought an air dancer.

Oh, my gosh. Right?

My cock can do that, by the way!

Does it have arms?

Ooh, man.

I don't know how this reflects on me, the way I'm scoring this.

I don't think it reflects on me well. Here we go.

What do you want me to do, Victoria?

It's my least favourite. Give her one point.

My second least favourite is a pretend Claudia Winkleman's fringe.

OK. So now it's three, four, and five.

And now, I've got to decide between Alan Davies's penis

and a life-saving piece of equipment.

Life creating piece of equipment.

Yeah.

I guess I want it put on record that I equate living

with Alan Davies's penis.

Four points for both men.

The most visually-exciting is Desiree.

I'm going to give Desiree five points.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm thirsty for a task, Alex.

Well, let me quench that thirst with a lovely little drinking task.

Lab, baby. Hi, Alex.

Good morning, Guz. How are you? Tiptop.

Should I just help myself?

OK.

Drink all...

You guys are so stupid.

OK. Drink all this drink with your mouth open.

Your mouth must be visibly open throughout.

What is it?

No idea.

The fastest wins.

Your time starts and your mouth must open when Alex blows the whistle.

There we are.

Yet again, Desiree baffled we've asked her to do something silly.

I think that every time you opened a task,

you were hoping that it would be calculate your taxes

and pay by January the 31st.

OK, we begin with Morg... Alan Rabies.

Mor... Morg... Morgana and Alan Davies.

Oh, I can't see you. Yeah.

It's not going down, Alan.

Open, please. Open, open, please, Alan.

It's not fair for you to say funny things.

It's shut again, Alan.

If I use a straw...

Always open, please, Alan.

If I use a straw... Uh-huh.

..does that count?

Cos my mouth, it won't be fully closed, will it?

Nearly finished.

Hmm, is that open? Mm.

It's quite shut, Alan. Nah-uh.

I'll stop the clock.

I'll stop the clock.

That's a strange way to drink.

Uh, well, I would choke less.

There's something about if you put it in this way...

..your epiglottis wants to close.

Yeah, it was some great epiglottis work!

You sort of looked like a paralysed heron for a lot of it.

Corr!

You don't see them choking very often.