Taskmaster

Hello!

I'm Greg Davies and a very warm welcome to the fifth series of Taskmaster.

We have five new comedians waiting in the wings,

all with wildly different skill sets and numbers of fans.

Across the...

Didn't write it, didn't write it.

Across the next eight episodes,

they will learn to accept their many mistakes,

to live with excruciating embarrassment,

or, in the rarest of cases,

revel in the glory of being brilliant

at a completely pointless activity.

As requested by each of them individually,

the prize is this cheaply gilded and bodiless Greg Davies trophy.

In eight episodes' time, only one of them will take it home

as the proud series champion of Taskmaster.

So, without further ado, let's meet this series' fantastic five. They are...

Aisling Bea!

Bob Mortimer!

Mark Watson!

Nish Kumar!

And Sally Phillips!

And here once more, desperately hoping for a better introduction than this,

Thank you.

How the devil have you been, Alex?

- Have you been well? - I've been, er, good.

I feel strong, I've abandoned the diet.

- Oh, yeah? - So, that's helped.

OK.

It was horrible. I was on...

As you know, you put me on the "no solids or liquids" diet.

I did.

- So just gas for four months. - Lovely, delicious gas.

But now I'm back to eating what I like,

and what I like is, as you know, cocktail sausages.

The classiest of sausages,

'cause you always have a cocktail and a sausage,

and my guilty pleasure, Imodium.

I'm on two packs a day of Imodium.

Shall we start the show?

Yes, we probably should.

And, as always, we start with the prize task.

So our contestants are not only playing for the overall series trophy,

but every episode, they will compete to win each other's possessions.

Today we've asked them to bring in

something that makes the most excellent noise.

"Excellent" being the key word.

And "noise" being the other key word.

Whoever's thing makes the most excellent noise in your superior opinion, Greg,

will get the first five points of the show, and at the end of the episode,

the winner will take home five noisy items.

Wow.

Here we go. Aisling Bea, welcome to the show.

Thank you very much, Greg.

What thing did you bring in and what excellent noise does it make?

My noisy item is a rave horn.

I was hoping that would the picture, not like a boner after someone's done LSD.

That's an air horn, Aisling.

Yeah, but you use it at a rave.

- Do you want to hear it? - Yeah.

- See that? - You like it?

I do like it, and I'll tell you why.

It takes me back to my childhood,

because they were quite fashionable when I was a young man.

In the war?

You know, in the old Blitz.

"Put that light out!"

You're in luck, 'cause I very much enjoy the sound of an air horn.

And we wouldn't be in conflict if you had just called it an air horn.

Oh.

So well done.

Bob, what did you bring in and what noise does it make?

I brought a small rubber cylinder with a metallic end

that makes a very excellent noise,

in my opinion, you know what I mean?

That's what the game's all about, Bob, isn't it?

Do you want to see a picture of it before-- Yeah, there it is.

What noise does it make?

I could-- I have it in my pocket.

Can I say, first of all, it's the noise of a blackbird,

- according to the instructions. - You reckon?

I love that!

It's a lot like sitting next to a blackbird.

It's identical to being next to a blackbird.

Maybe you are but it's keeping quiet.

Hauntingly beautiful.

Mark, what did you bring? What noise-making device?

- Um, I've brought an opera singer. - What?

I've brought a singer. Her name's Catharine.

Wow.

We've got a picture of her. Catharine Woodward.

- Catharine Woodward? - You can't win Catharine, though.

No, apparently there were some legalities.

I think the idea is she would sing the name of the person who wins.

- I think. - Shit.

There she is, she's an opera singer. She's got a CV.

She's got two things on the CV.

There are two singing things on the CV.

She's sung in two operas?

Well, operas are very long. It takes ages.

It's a very good idea. I look forward to her singing someone's name.

You.

- Hello, Greg. Nice to see you. - Hi, Nish.

Welcome to the show. What noise- making object have you brought?

Well, I have brought a CD with a looped recording of my own laugh on it.

Wow.

Funny and interesting.

Um, the description was an excellent noise.

It is an-- I mean--

If you stretch excellent to include the words

- pungent and awful. - Awful, upsetting?

- Harrowing. - Grating.

It certainly is distinctive, Gregory.

Sally Phillips, what excellent noise- making thing have you brought in?

It's a... a youth disperser.

So it's a sound that is appalling to hear if you're under 24.

If you're over 24, you can't hear it at all.

Wow.

It's called The Mosquito.

- The Mosquito. - Yeah.

Great, well, I hate young people, so that's wonderful.

What's the age cut-off, Sally?

- I think it's 24. - 24. Who's below 24?

Right, let's smoke these pricks out.

Yes, it's only people under 25 can hear.

It's a screeching noise similar to nails down a blackboard.

- 15.5 kilohertz. - Wow.

But legally, we're not allowed to play it.

So, do you want to start in last place or first place?

I'd like to start in first place, please.

OK, who's brought in the most excellent noise?

I think anyone who brings a human being in

as a prize has got to take first place.

I'm gonna give it to Mark Watson.

With every year that passes, I despise the youth more.

So I'm putting Sally Phillips in second place.

- Second place, four points. - Yeah.

- Three left. - Yes, Aisling Bea.

Because I love the air horn. It reminds me of the 80s.

- And that is my justification. - That's good for me.

- Right. - Right.

I'm putting Bob next. I did love the noise,

but it's just the fact that it was claiming to be a blackbird.

It's the object's fault, Bob, not yours.

And Nish is in last place.

I'm not gonna justify it because he's already annoying me.

- Let's get this series truly under way. - OK.

What task have we chosen to kick it all off, Alex?

Well, Greg, what do you do to me

every morning, for one hour, against my will?

I let you take the dry skin off my feet.

That's true, but it's also a cuddle.

You give me a cuddle, and we're now gonna give them a cuddle.

As in, the TV audience, through the...

You ready?

Yes.

How's it hangin'?

I'm fine.

Thank you.

"Give Alex a special cuddle."

Oh, no. I knew it.

"Most special cuddle wins."

Oh, Alex.

"You have 20 minutes."

- My time starts now. - Mm-hm.

I mean, my instinct is to remove all my clothes,

but I think that that's just more...

My general instinct is to do that in any given scenario.

Have you got a change of clothes?

W-what do you want me to wear?

I mean, I have fallen slightly in love with you over the weeks.

Jeeesus, this is awful.

Will you just do whatever I say?

- Yeah? - Mm-hm.

Oh, that's good.

I'll be right back.

Interesting that your instinct, Aisling,

was to presume that this is Alex's way of getting

- away with some kind of assault. - Well, if you'd come with me into a room...

And, you know, I'm a streetwise gal,

and there's plastic everywhere and a white man and a camera,

you're like, "I'm gonna have to wank this guy off."

There was an awkward atmosphere from that point,

for the next four or five months.

I was just excited.

Bring it on!

I've become like the white suited guy,

I'm thinking, "Here's an attractive young man."

Yeah.

But not, you know, "Let's spend a bit of time together."

"You're gonna need a change of clothes."

Hell of an opener.

Thank you.

Good, who are we gonna see first?

I think we liked his laugh so much, we should start with Nish Kumar.

Exciting.

Hello, Alex.

How are you?

Excited.

There we go. That's perfect.