Episodes

You and Helen?

She's a wild one, with that little swastika down there?

That's a flower.

He's going around telling people I have some sort of anti-semitic twat?

Oh, I'm gonna fucking kill him.

Okay, now I'm a little scared.

He should be scared.

Fucking brilliant.

Really?

I would love to do this.

Great.

Do you want me in your show?

A key? After two weeks?

It's just... it's too much too fast.

You have to tell her how you feel.

I know she's your friend,

but I'm not sure she has our best interests at heart.

No?

She's clearly in love with you.

Beverly?

Oh, that's crazy.

Oh, please. Look at her hair.

There's timing. How was the gym?

This idiot woman on the treadmill next to me

was yakking on her phone the entire time.

I hate people.

And there's a big bloody sign right in front of her, saying,

"No phones."

I rest my case.

So I'm staring at her,

trying to blow her up with my mind,

and then I look up at the sign, and then I look back to her,

then up at the sign again, and she's just rattling on,

- totally oblivious. - Mm.

I swear,

it was all I could do not to grab her fucking phone

and throw it across the gym.

Why didn't you just say something?

Ah, I didn't want to make a big deal of it.

Ah, look who's here.

Oh.

Oh, look.

There's your girlfriend.

She's not my...

- Morning. - Hi.

Whoo.

Almost got me there.

Almost.

Actually, you are just the person I wanted to see.

- Oh? - I got the weirdest call

yesterday from Matt LeBlanc's agent,

saying you'd offered him a role in Opposite?

Oh, right.

I was like, "What?"

So sorry, totally our fault.

Matt read the script, wanted to do it.

We didn't know how to say no.

Welcome to my world.

We finally told him last night. It was not pretty.

Well, next time, I'd just appreciate a little heads-up.

Absolutely.

Hopefully there won't be a next time.

Anyway, uh, we are late for a table read.

We got to go.

Bye-bye.

I like her.

She's great, isn't she?

Um...

Whoo.

Almost got me again.

I know.

What the hell was that?

What?

What? She practically ran me over.

It was an accident.

Maybe the first time.

You're saying it was deliberate?

Well, it's not like I'm a squirrel crossing the highway.

Oh, please.

And did you notice she hardly looked at me?

- No? - No.

She only looked at you.

Well, I've always had a way with the lesbians.

At school, they used to say I could turn a woman gay.

I'm glad you're enjoying this. I found it deeply troubling.

Speaking of which...

I suppose we had to see him eventually.

Look, actors don't get cast in parts all the time.

He's a big boy.

At a certain point, he's just gonna have to acc...

- Hey. - Morning.

Clearly he has not reached that point.

I would say not.

Oh, so awful.

Okay.

Well, let us know if you hear anything else.

Oh.

Good news?

Up Till Now had to shut down.

What? Why?

The guy playing the best friend, the stand-up, Adam Bailen?

- I think it's Ballen. - No, Bailen.

- Are you sure? - She said Bailen.

All this time I've been saying Ballen.

That's embarrassing.

- What about him? - He's dead.

What?

He fell off the back of a boat last night.

They just found his body.

Oh, my God.

What was he doing on a boat?

Boating?

Why?

He was so young.

And so talented, really funny.

I know.

And he had just lost all that weight.

Oh, it's heartbreaking.

- So now we have to recast? - Oh.

It's the middle of pilot season.

- What a fucking nightmare. - (Sighs)

What about Matt LeBlanc?

God knows he's available.

Hmm. Not too old?

Well, what's-his-name could have an old best friend.

Nah, sounds depressing.

- I guess. - I still like him, though.

We should keep him in mind for something.

Hmm.

What?

You still pissed at Merc?

What do you think? Why?

So, what's the big news?

Well, we were talking about possible hosts for your show.

Yeah? You like my new list?

Mm, it's definitely better,

in that all of them are alive.

You're welcome.

Except for Gene Rayburn,

who is, in fact, dead.

Oh, man.

I can't catch a break.

That's fine, 'cause we actually have an idea

that we are very excited about.

Well, if you're excited, I'm excited.

Oh, I'm excited.

There's an actor.

He's charming. He's funny.

- And alive? - Very much so.

Sounds perfect.

He's never done anything like this before.

So who is it? You're killing me here.

Oh, just you wait.

- Do you want to...? - Yeah.

This should really come from me.

Matt LeBlanc.

That's a joke, right?

Am I laughing?

Come on. Are you fucking kidding me?

Not a fan?

There's no way that cocksucker is hosting my show.

Really?

See, I thought you wanted to get on the air.

Look, there's got to be somebody else.

Mm, not for me.

You know Helen.

When she gets an idea in her head...

Please, I am begging you, don't do this.

Come on, we've got history.

Oh, I think we are all aware of our history.

Oh, Jesus.

Is that what this is? Because she told you about...

Absolutely not. Give me some credit.

I swear on my little swastika tattoo,

this is nothing personal.

Are you fucking kidding me? Merc Lapidus?

I'm telling you, he said he can't do it without you.

- Bullshit. - I talked to the man myself.

Well, I don't care. No fucking way.

Look, I get it.

Obviously, you don't, 'cause if you did...

Can you set aside your personal feelings for one minute?

- No. - This is a business decision.

You asked me to bring you a project.

This is an amazing project.

Okay, maybe I should have been more specific.

Bring me a project that isn't produced

by a lying, evil,

piece-of-shit, fuckface scumbag.

- (Chuckles) - How are you?

- We love you. - (Giggling)

Oh. Love you too.

Uh, we know you're eating, but...

Yeah, sure.

San... ni... ichi.

Huh?

How we doing here?

- Again? - Yeah.

San... ni... ichi.

There you go.