Kidding

Previously on Kidding...

In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.

Bad fucking table!

I have a lot of pent-up anger, and I don't know

where it's coming from or how to stop it.

Pickles On Ice,

starring Mr. Pickles himself, as played

by gold medalist Tara Lipinski.

Hi, I'm Jeff.

Let's meet the writers I hired.

What writers?

Rabbi Michael Epstein.

Yeah, I'm a man of God,

but I'm also funny.

He's not me. Peter's not me,

Tara Lipinski's not me.

I know a place

where we can light up.

Et voilà.

No one moved in. It's just sitting here.

Let there be light.

Best beginning in the history of beginnings.

Makes "Call me Ishmael"

sound like the pickup line

of a diseased sailor.

Wait, do you guys smell that?

Rotten eggs.

Sweet!

Fight!

A little later on,

after floods

and pestilence,

and a gazillion "begot" s,

God tells us

"I make good,

and I create evil."

"If there is light,

there is dark.

Gas!

Wait, gas!

Oh, shit.

"If life,

there is death."

Wait, Will, don't!

But for every bad thing God does,

he does a good thing, too.

Whoa.

There is always a balance,

and every action has its equal

- and its opposite. - Your case

is more aggressive. I'm so sorry.

During your tenure on Earth,

you will never know

how the events of your life

add to and subtract from

the... calculus

of existence.

Anyway,

my girlfriend made these cookies.

They embody the universe.

Huh?

They're good, but not great.

You okay, little Nunchuck?

Why didn't we die?

Yeah, why didn't we die?

Dudes,

I think it's that time.

Time to blaze and glaze.

"Blaze and glaze"?

I think the house did explode,

and when it did,

we left that universe behind,

that there's a parallel reality

in which we are deceased

and BD does not persist in making

high-end Judaica

for my mother.

Everyone deserves a nice menorah.

Why are we calling him Nunchuck now?

Will, Good Will Hunting,

hunting.

I hunt with nunchucks.

Nunchuck.

Oh, okay.

Do you have a guardian angel, Cassidy?

How about you, Nunchuck?

Maybe.

Uh, hi.

Uh, Havana?

Uh, yeah?

Do you remember me?

I mean, I know who you are.

Yeah, I had this brother Phil,

- He, uh... - Right.

He got shot. My sorrys.

No. Car accident.

Some kid got shot.

Oh, I'm... sorry.

That's okay.

I think it was in Utah.

How's your brother doing?

He's dead.

That's right. My sorrys.

Look, he had this list of girls.

Well, he wanted to tell you something,

but never got the chance.

What?

I'm not coming back here.

It's just the first-line chemo.

You'll have better luck with the second line treatment.

I'm not coming back here,

not on my own, anyways.

Close your eyes.

Take as much time as you want.

Now tell me the story of the rest of your life.

We leave the building,

we go to the car,

I rip up the parking ticket, I go home,

I flush about 30 pounds of pills into the toilet.

Keep going.

I eat a bowl of brownie batter.

I remember that I will have no legacy.

I remember that I will be forgotten.

I remember that I bought

a gray wig to experience a semblance of old age,

take out my bucket list,

check off "Fucked Mr. Pickles."

I buy a black dress,

and wait. That's it.

Keep going like that wasn't it.

But that's it.

Vivian's not doing well.

Oh.

Well, she's quietly dying of cancer.

It would be weird if she were.

I don't want her to go.

Oh, I'm sorry. Of course you don't.

This is hers.

Can you make her old?

Keep thinking about

all the conversations that we're not gonna have.

You know, it's like...

what the story of our life would be,

yours and mine,

if half the pages were ripped out.

I-I think I know what you want.

I know you do.

If you ever wanna talk,

about anything,

you can talk to me.

Okay.

I hate what you're doing to me.

I don't want to see another me on ice.

So I'm gonna put a stop to all that today.

Hi.

- What's your name? - Oh.

You want me to sign that, too? Oh.

You know, she started her own chapter

of the Pickles Platoon.

She organized a blood drive

after the Waco killings.

She filled three trucks of blood.

Wow, that's a lot of blood.

That's her twin Sara in the otter.

Hm.

I didn't know

she had a twin sister.

Hm.

Who wants their jar signed?

I do!

I guess it's

pretty confusing, though,

seeing the me on TV

and the me on the ice

and then the me right here in front of you.

No, you're Mr. Pickles,

and that's a woman in a Mr. Pickles costume.

You're Santa for real,

and that's like Santa at the mall.

Mr. Pickles, Mr. Pickles On Ice.

You're a very intelligent girl.

No, I'm of average intelligence.

I should be smarter.

If we feel good about ourselves, we can

be anything we want to be.

That's exactly what Ice Pickles said.

She said that?

Mm-hm. I like her voice

better than yours.

Must be fun,

working with your sister.

Mm? I work

with my sister too, Sara.

Oh, it's "Sah-ra."

Tara does not like me to rhyme.

That's not true. Just want you

to enjoy your own identity.

Tara let me join the tour

after I lost my job in the army.

She was emotionally discharged.