Eastbound & Down

Same old Kenny.

Ten pounds of shit in a 5-pound bag.

This is Soledad, my wife. That one's your brother.

You seem a little distracted

from my pinnacle father-son bonding moment here.

You cocksucker. You betrayed me?

Nah, I ain't going. Okay, I'm coming.

Someone pay your bail.

Your daddy's a real motherfucker.

You don't wanna end up like him.

Stop looking at me! Shit!

April and Cutler are not married.

You can still get her back.

I'm coming for you.

I mean, I lost everything. I lost my... My... My job,

my friends, my... My future.

But I don't know. In that loss, you know, I feel like I've...

I've found something.

I mean, I found this group. I found all you guys.

That's right.

For the first time in a long while

I can 100 percent motherfucking honestly say...

I feel good.

There you are.

Hey, man. Hey.

So I just heard the news.

Sounds like you're ready to move on.

I think I am.

You know what's next, don't you? Yeah.

Ninth step. Make amends.

That's right.

Take that list you made of all the people you've wronged.

Start at the top, the person you fucked over the most.

Andrew, uh, seriously,

like, there's no way I would have made it

over the last six months without you.

So it's actually convenient that you're here with me now.

Oh. Heh-heh. Wanna ask your old sponsor one more question?

Nah. Go ahead.

No, I meant actually it's convenient

because you're at the top of my list.

I'm at the top of your list?

I fucked Linda.

Oh, okay, you fucked my sister.

The... No.

Your...? Isn't your wife's name Linda?

You fucked my wife?

I did but I thought her name was Linda. Isn't it Linda?

It's Beth.

Beth, right.

Right, no, yeah, Linda was your sister.

She watched. Watched?

Yeah. It's crazy.

But I'm sorry about that and I hope we can make amends.

This is cleaning soaps full force

because I feel like I'm on a new drug.

Just get the fuck out of here, Pat.

Well, as long as we're square,

I feel like it's time to move on down to number two on that list,

you know what I mean?

Looks like my next stop is Mexico.

Go fuck yourself, Pat.

Stevie, our time here in Mexico has come to an end.

We can't hide in this wasteland forever chasing exotic women.

It's time we get back to the business of living.

Face what awaits us back in America.

Okay, I'll make sure everything is packed properly, Kenny.

And, you know,

if you wanna bang that were-woman one more time

for the memories, I will allow it.

Are you serious, Kenny?

As a heart attack, hombre.

Can I fuck her more than once or just once?

I mean, maybe don't lay in her all goddamn day.

You got some packing to do.

Let's just think outside the box for a sec, brainstorm.

Like, let's make it memorable.

If it's only one time, let's do it up.

Okay. Maybe you go down on her, dude.

Don't be selfish, don't be sexist.

You don't like that?

Why not?

It smells.

Oh, I... Yeah, I bet it does.

She's always eating all that weird stew and roots and shit.

What about ATM?

You don't know what's gonna affect her immune system.

They have different bacterias and biological things here.

Mm. It's just for safety.

Safety okay, okay. Yeah.

Don't sit there like a dingleberry. Get to it.

Okay. Go get her, man.

Okay. Go.

Ben Wa balls.

Guess who's sober.

Pat Anderson, what in the fuck are you doing here?

I just wrapped up treatment, accepted a higher power,

and now I'm here to knock out that ninth step and make amends.

Why do people think because we're in Mexico

it's cool to come into somebody's house

and wait for 'em unannounced?

I'm gonna cut to it, Kenny. No bullshit, all truth.

I butt-fucked you hard.

But as a gentleman I've learned to clean up my mess.

Check out that sweet-ass gift basket.

What, you think a mineral bath soak

is gonna pay for all the shit you did to me?

There's an iPad in there, Kenny.

Mm, really?

It doesn't matter.

It's gonna take more than a goddamn Speak & Spell

to win yourself into the good grace of Kenny Powers.

Oh, yeah?

How about a shot at the majors? Would that do the trick?

Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna fall

for one of your mythical eight figure contract deals again.

There's no contract, not yet. It's just a shot.

But I heard about you playing baseball down here, Kenny,

and there's a scout in Texas who owes me a favor

from my circuit party days and he agreed to come down here

and sniff you out.

Now I've been paying attention

to what you've been doing down here, Kenny,

and if you play half as well as you've been playing,

I think you've got a legitimate shot.

Your friend's wasting his time.

I don't play for the team anymore. They cut me.

Look, you got every reasond's in the world not to trust me.

But this could be a game changer, Kenny.

Is there anyone you could talk to

about getting back on that team?

Well, there is one motherfucker.

Kumite.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Why is your voice raised like a scared little bitch?

No, I am not scared. If anybody should be scared it's you, man.

For stealing my car and smashing up my studio,

all because I fucked your lady.

You think that's cool? Mm-hm.

Do you know what is cool?

Paying people back.

You wanna pull that Bruce Lee shit with me

I'll steal that sword from you and fuck you with it.

No, don't write checks that can bounce.

My spreadsheets! Back up!

I'll take this goddamn computers and put it through your face

like a disk of fucking Tron. Yeah, right.

I'll deflect it and cut your arms off.

Then I'll cut your face before you know what's up.

Well, look at this, huh?

A goddamned Mexican standoff in fucking Mexico.

I was hoping to get into one of these before I left.

You are leaving, huh? You wanted to come here first, huh,

and try to kill me? Not kill you.

Kick your ass and then ask you for a favor.

Even though Vida's not the one for me you steal behind my back

and encouraged her to cheat on me.

Bro, I can't even get her to call me back.

Which sucks because I thought we had something special.

Yeah, well,

I thought we had something special too.

Looks like that's her fucking game, huh?

I'm sorry, man.

I haven't been acting like myself.

It's been really hard to act normal.

I've been acting weird as shit, bro.

I act like it's no big deal that my parents are dead,

but it is a big deal. It hurts my heart, man.

I cry all the time in my bed by myself.

I know what you're talking about.

I used to be just like you yesterday.

Sad inside and compensating

by acting like a fucking cocksucker.

But I saw the light, dude. I've changed.

I want to see the light. How did you do it?

Well, I went on a personal quest and faced my demons,

but for you the change could be a lot easier.

Tell me. Let me back on the team.

For one more game.

There's a scout coming

and I intend to fuck his world up with my skills.

Hm.

Or we could finish this duel

and murder each other.

No, I can live with like a truce.

If you want to play, you can play.

I'm sorry, man. Come here.

If I can fucking nail this goddamn baseball shit tonight

I'm going back to America a goddamn champion.

Fucking three days away from sucking on some big old titties.

Are those my clothes?

Uh, these are your pants and shorts.

Your tops we'd leave on hangers so they don't get wrinkled.

Dude, don't get all OCD about this shit. Just get it done.

Uh, Kenny, I was wondering...