Bad Thoughts

- -

I usually use lube to get in there.

- -Sorry.

I kid, I kid.

No, you're looking great, Tom. Inside and out.

Thanks. I meant to tell you,

I've been taking those vitamin B supplements you gave me.

- Mm. -Helps with energy in the afternoon.

Oh yeah, I take those myself.

-Take it with a full glass of water. -Okay.

Oh, I meant to tell you. I watched Bad Thoughts.

That is one wild show, man.

Yeah. Thanks, man.

Personally, I thought you were funnier when you were fatter.

But, I mean, it's still really good.

Real good.

I like that episode when you got all frustrated with that rude barista.

So relatable.

Yeah, that was a fun scene, man.

That was fun.

Sometimes, wish I could do that stuff in real life.

- -What if you could?

What do you mean?

There's a pill.

It's new. It's not 100% FDA approved,

but RFK Jr. and I are buddies from Harvard, so…

You just have those on you?

Not legally.

What do they do?

Completely takes away all of your inhibitions.

All right? So no more impulse control.

Just you being your true, authentic self.

Last night, I told my wife she needs to lose a ton of weight.

I never felt more alive.

Open up that pretty mouth.

Good boy.

- Are you fucking kidding me? - I swear to God.

- No fucking way. - Yes, way.

Oh my God, I'm dead. I'm, like, in the morgue!

- I know, right? -

-I'm kidding. I'm in the doctor's office. - Oh, you are?

Yeah, I just got back from my Kegel retreat.

-It was insane. - Honestly, I'm jealous.

Yeah, my yoni egg's, like, still up there.

- Yes, girl. Love that. -

I'm still on fire down there, but in, like, the best way.

Is that why you're at the doctor's?

No, I'm trying to get my fat transferred into my tits.

My mom's best friend did that, and actuall--

- -

Whoo!

- -You don't need that.

["Go For It" by Spirit of Brotherhood playing]

What the--?

What? Fuck you.

You fucking entitled fuck! Pick up that! Pick up your fucking shit!

You fuck!

Oh dear!

- -

Are you fucking crazy? You fucking dick!

- -

Shut up.

- -

On the fucking ground!

Don't move!

Do not fucking move!

Drop the weapon!

Drop the weapon now!

Drop that fucking weapon!

Hands where I can see them! Drop the weapon!

- -

- -

Don't move!

Don't fucking move!

I can't believe you're a college freshman.

Dad, you just promise me that you'll get a hobby.

Okay? I don't want you sitting at home all alone.

-Since Mom died, you've been a little… - Honey, don't worry about me.

I'll be fine.

Have fun!

-I love you. -I love you too, sweetie.

Bye.

Just because you're an empty nester doesn't mean you have to be a homebody.

Okay? Go out, meet some friends. Maybe you'll like it.

Huh.

Hey, sweetie, it's Dad.

How's college?

Yeah, I've been having a great time at the house.

I'm trying to get out there. I'm trying new things.

-Your laptop's about to fall out. -Good looking out, bro.

-Wow, those sneakers are cool. -You should cop you some.

I gotta cop some.

I even got some new shoes. They are real neat.

Nice shoes, grandpa.

Freakin' weirdo.

You know, life can be absolutely terrifying,

but I've always believed that everything happens for a reason.

Shoes looking dope as hell.

-Thanks. -Got some friends I want you to meet.

Okay.

-This is the frat house. -Hey, yo.

-Who's the substitute teacher? -Maybe I should go.

No, you're good.

Gamma, Theta, Tau, step!

You all, as young Black men, have the opportunity

to change your lives for the better

and to become a part of a brotherhood.

Yeah!

-My Gamma brothers. -Yeah.

-We about to wreck this step like… -

How the hell are they doing that?

Practice.

You know what? I came into this thing a little nervous.

But now I'm starting to feel like a real brother.

-So, you gonna pledge? -I think I am.

You wanna see something neat?

Gamma is a place I never expected, but I feel like I belong.

Dad?

Hey, sweetie.

College was my dream. I was supposed to do this, not you.

We've won the Step, Battle, and Stroll Competition

nine years in a row.

And y'all think you got a shot with this white nigga in y'all crew?

Is he talking about me?

I can't get it down. I keep trying, I can't get it.

I'm not gonna compete. I'm not.

Dad, you do magic tricks and love American history.

Honey, step is bigger than both of us.

What the fuck are you talking about?

No, you're not going out like that.

I am going out like that.

-I'm a failure. -Gavin, you my dawg.

But now, we gotta make you a dawg.

-Who's a dawg? - I'm a dawg.

-Who's a dawg? - I'm a dawg.

-Who's a dawg? Who's a dawg? -I'm a dawg. I'm a dawg.

We need like, action, stunts.

-Gamma! - You live Gamma.

Gamma!

- You breathe Gamma. - Gamma!

You

are

Gamma!

- It can't go any narrower. -Yes, it can.

He's perfect.

Welcome to Step, Battle, and Stroll dawg!

Your only call is to survive.

Yo, my brothers, you know that I'd rather stroll with you all. Bet.