Coupling

So, come on, what's she like?

Shapely. Shapely's good.

She's in the same train as you every morning,

and she's shapely.

It's like Ursula andress and Pamela Anderson

had a baby.

The words "long shot" somehow suggest themselves.

Premium shapely...

Top-level, quality shapely.

Nothing wrong with shapely.

And long.

Long?

Usually with a red shoe.

So, long, shapely, with a red shoe?

Yeah.

Jeff?

Are you describing a leg?

I've only seen her leg.

She gets on the train with a whole bunch of people,

and I never see her face.

And then she sits diagonally in front of me.

I can only see her leg.

You've fallen in love with just a leg?

It's a great leg.

You haven't seen this leg.

Left or right?

What?

It's a leg... What else is there to ask?

Left.

Nice.

And brunette.

Brunette?

I saw the back of her head once.

How was it?

Pert.

She has a pert head?

From the back.

Okay, there's one thing I don't get here.

What?

You've seen this woman on the train,

and you find her attractive, right?

Yeah.

And you haven't had sex with her? No.

You see my problem?

Let me explain, Patrick.

Here, on earth, there is a gap between

seeing someone you like and having sex with them

that we like to call "conversation."

In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years.

Are you saying I don't converse?

I converse. I talk to women.

Well, do the women talk, too?

Well, they must do.

Do you know what she's like?

It's as if you took Naomi Campbell and Jenny agutter,

and mixed them up in a big bowl with Davina McCall's bottom.

Is it any wonder I love her?

You don't love her.

You haven't seen her bottom.

Yeah, you haven't...

What?

You haven't seen the woman on the train's bottom,

so how do you know it's like Davina McCall's?

Ah, but I haven't seen Davina McCall's bottom either.

I added Davina's bottom to the Campbell-agutter mix

to lend an air of enigma.

Davina does have an enigmatic bottom.

Is it lush, is it pert?

Unh! The mystery continues.

But you've only seen her leg and the back of her head.

You haven't even seen her face.

When you're in love, you can see past not seeing stuff.

You can't call it "love" yet.

Otherwise, what do you call it when you get to know

the front of her head as well as you know the back?

"Breakfast"?

You've been seeing him two whole weeks?

That's broken your previous commitment record.

Which was?

Breakfast?

Liam Bryson. It's a good name, I like it.

And he's a doctor. You get extra points for that.

What kind of doctor?

A surgeon.

Not a gynecologist? No.

I've always wanted to date a gynecologist.

I want to know I'm special.

But is it love, or just the other thing?

Definitely love.

How do you know it's not just great sex?

You're here.

Maybe it's both. Tell us more.

Well, he's significantly taller than my last two boyfriends,

and he doesn't have a wife or a prison record.

I'm so proud of you.

He's kind and considerate,

but I still want to have sex with him!

What's he look like?

Oh, is that what's wrong with him?

Oh.

As a matter of fact, he's gorgeous.

How gorgeous?

Okay, I didn't want to have to say this,

I didn't want to boast but... Knitting pattern.

Knitting pattern guy has come to life, qualified as a doctor,

and asked you out?

My prayers are answered, and he missed me by one woman.

You can put away your knitting needles...

He's out, and he's mine.

Right.

So, what's wrong with him?

Nothing's wrong with him.

Nothing at all. He's wonderful.

Nothing, nothing, nothing! Good. Great.

Much. Ah. Ah.

It's not worth bothering you with.

It's not a bother.

We're your friends.

We want to know what's wrong with your handsome boyfriend.

It's just... it's...

It's just a stupid, tiny, insignificant, little thing.

Oh, that's the worst!

I was talking about the problem, Jane.

Does he pick his teeth? Does he drink too much?

Does he move house without telling you?

That's the one i hate.

Why are you two so interested?

You guys are just jealous 'cause I've got someone.

Ehh ehh ehh... I've got someone, too.

Why would I be jealous? Yeah.

And I'm being stalked, actually,

so I'm pretty secure in my attractiveness.

You're being stalked?

Is that so hard to believe? My god!

Every day on my way home from work, a man follows me.

It's true. Have you been to the police?

They said I was just being silly and paranoid.

I heard them laughing after I left. How terrible.

Well, have you confronted the man who follows you?

Well, there's no point, is there?

I mean, it's never the same man twice.

Sometimes they switch over when I'm halfway home.

It's so well-organized.

Okay, returning from planet Jane,

largely because I'm scared,

what's the problem with your boyfriend?

It's not a big problem.

Tiny, little character flaw.

I can kind of forgive him for it,

but sometimes I kind of can't, you know?

Absolutely. Been there.

What does he do?

Okay, sometimes...

Actually, all of the time, and it's so irritating...

What? I can't stop criticizing him!

Honestly, it's driving me up the wall!

Uh, if you're criticizing him, isn't that your fault?

Oh, that's right, take his side.

Why do you criticize him?

He's a man.

He's a whole, exciting buffet of improvability.

I hardly know where to start... Hair, clothes, his mother.

You shouldn't try to change men, because they don't like it.

Then what's the point in having one?

Sally, for once in your life,

why not appreciate a man for what he is,

not what you can make him into?

I'm going to do that. Of course I'm going to do that.

Good. So, when can we meet him?

When he's finished.

Okay, what about next Tuesday after work?

Mm-hmm. That's fine by me.

Steve's free, I'm sure we can get a hold of Patrick...

The boys will be there?

Liam can't meet that lot.

What if they talk about sex? What if?

What if Liam tells them about me?

I can't stay friends with men who know what I'm like in bed.

I'd have to kill them.

Right, so you're saying you've killed every man

you've ever been to bed with?

Oh, I thought they just stopped phoning.

Sorry, excuse me.

Oh, excuse me, is there room for me there?

Um, yeah.

Look, there's a seat back there, I'll move.

Oh. Oh, no, are you sure?

Yeah, there's more room.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, sorry.

Okay, this is it Jeff, look at her.

Just look at her, you can do it.

Oh, I was right, she's gorgeous!

Sorry.

Is something wrong?

No, no, nothing.

Um...

Say something sensible, say something sensible.

You... you look just like the back of your head.

No! I-I'm sorry. I mean, it's just, what I...