Web Therapy

Previously on Web Therapy...

She was standing off to the side with fistfuls of pills

putting them into her mouth, and she did actually choke.

Okay, I understand.

So what can I tell you?

Mabel's dead, and I did it.

I'd be a wonderful, um, sort of, you know,

endorser of products in the digital area.

You're trying to get me to use you for product placement?

I have some sort of a gambling problem.

- Oh. - My wife, I think,

is about to do an intervention.

I wanted to leave you a message,

and I know it's probably exciting

for you to be seeing me, I know.

If I knew who you were, maybe.

Oh.

- Hello. - Hi, it's you.

Yes, and it's you.

You left me a message.

I did, I did.

- Did you get it? - I did. I did get it.

It seems that you are... of the understanding

that we know each other.

I'm a little taken aback,

'cause you seemed like you knew me, but I don't.

Oh, my goodness, I didn't even realize I had to say who it was.

Well, it helps when you're confronted

with a stranger who seems very familiar.

It's Chris.

Okay, Chris, I'm Fiona.

I know who you are, you silly little girl.

It's me. It's Chris.

It's Chris Palmer.

What? Christopher Palmer?

Look at me from the side.

I know you remember that profile.

What? Christopher Palmer was a boy

I knew in college.

A boy you married in college.

Yes, very briefly, so...

And now Chris is a woman.

Take a look.

What hap... What?

I thought you were just gay.

No, no, I'm anti-gay.

- Oh. - I did the right thing,

and I got gender reassignment surgery.

So you could have sex with men.

- So it's not a sin. - Right.

So I live in Houston now, and I was thinking

about you and all of the fun times we had,

however short-lived.

I was just thinking about the days of college

and the romance.

You remember that weekend

- we spent in St. Barths? - Yes.

- You remember that, don't you? - Spring break.

That's when we decided to get married.

I'll never forget... I'll never forget you running

into the ocean, and your tushy

was just boom boompa boomsy boomsy.

I'm probably sure it's not in the same shape it was,

but those were the days.

No one's is anymore.

Well, except for me.

Oh. Yeah.

That is something. So what is Endicott?

Who is Endicott?

That's my married name.

You're married? Ooh.

Yes, I have a husband, made an honest woman out of me.

Oh, and does he know about Christopher Palmer?

Oh, not at all.

Okay, so this is a secret meeting, okay.

- It's a secret meeting. - Okay.

Well, that's interesting.

So they must have done

a top-notch job on you down there.

It's not flawless, you know, I'll be honest with you.

- Oh, okay. - There's a little extra,

you know, cushion, I would call it.

- Okay. - It's not an actual...

It's something that you can get away with

if you're with somebody that's 20 or plus years older.

Oh, I see.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Or behaving as if I see.

I can show you.

- That's all right, no. - No, I won't.

- Yeah, I don't. - That's too... I mean, we just...

I don't want you to freak out,

but, um, I mean, it's a beaut...

lovemaking can be beautiful for a woman.

I've always admired what it would be like,

and I always was jealous of you.

When I was making love to you,

I thought, "Wouldn't it be great to be her?"

Right, because it's more relaxing.

You don't really have to do much.

- No, you don't. - You just lie there.

- Well, you could, but I don't. - Oh.

- Yeah. - Okay, well, good for you.

- Yeah, well, I'm very flexible. - You're still competitive,

- aren't you? - No, no, no, no, no, no,

I didn't mean it that way.

It's just I learned kind of,

when we experienced all of our lovemaking,

I just realized that was something

that I never wanted to do to a man.

Okay.

- Just lie there. - That's what I mean.

You're a very competitive person, so even in the midst

of our lovemaking, all you're thinking is,

"I could do better than her."

Well, I am limber.

Okay, that's wonderful for your husband Endicott.

- What's his name? - Fred.

- It's Fred? - Yes.

I call him Freddie for short.

Oh.

Two syllables actually take longer than one, but for sure.

You're such a stickler for details.

Or the truth, yes.

Oh, God, I love your sense of humor.

- It's so ribald. - We did have so much fun,

because it wasn't just the money that was appealing about you,

although that was a big part of it.

- That's sweet. - But you know, the divorce,

I think, was a smart decision.

If you can't make it work in bed, then yes.

It just wasn't exactly what I was expecting.

You know, I always wanted to be penetrated.

I didn't want to be the penetrator.

- Oh. - And that was something

that you didn't seem to really understand or grasp.

Or be able to do,

given I had nothing with which to penetrate you.

Well, when one really wants to penetrate,

one will find a way to do it.

Right, which just goes to show we weren't made for each other.

Anyway, I was just thinking, well,

I actually noticed your husband Kip campaigning.

Oh, right. Yes, I'm married, too.

- Oh, where's the ring? - Oh, it's here.

I can't... Oh.

From a long... you know, we were both... I was, you know.

That's sweet.

Well, we believe in, you know, traditional values

and hanging on to the original, you know,

jewelry that you, you know, were...

- Yes. - ...committing to each other.

You must have really been in love.

Yes, well, he's very... as you see, he's very successful now.

- I mean... - I saw that, and that

was what triggered my calling you,

is because I realized that I've been paying you alimony

for all these years, 17 years,

and you've actually been married.

Oh, right. Right. 18.

Okay, 18.

Oh, so it was meant to stop,

I guess, once I got married?

Was that the agreement?

It was so long ago, I don't remember.

Yeah, that was the agreement, actually.

- Okay. - That's usually how it works

when somebody divorces someone and then remarries.

Yeah, I'm sure it was in the agreement, but you want it back?

Is that... is that what you're trying to say?

Well, I mean, it wouldn't be a terrible thing.

I mean, I feel a little bit...

I feel a little bit taken advantage of.

- I mean... - But no, of course not.

I would never take advantage of you.

I didn't know that I had the money, and I forgot

that many years later, you know, when I got married.

Well, that's okay. That's okay that you forgot.

I mean, you just have to go and look into some

of your paperwork, and you just find that money,

- and you can get it back to me. - Oh.

Why don't you pull out your calculator and multiply that?

I'm a therapist,

a mental health professional now.

- Oh, okay. - So you could've used my help,

I think, back when you were...

You're funny again.

This is why I love you.

I still feel like I love you.

- Really? - A little piece of me, yes.

You know, you're so fun.

You've really lightened up, I think,

because you were kind of...

you were really bitchy, you know?

Tell me about it.

As a man, because maybe you weren't your true self,

- and so... or... - I feel like I owe the world

my true self, and coincidentally

you owe me a $1/4 million in alimony

since you've been married for the last 18 years.

I'm sorry. You kind of froze.