Eastbound & Down

I left my country to begin a new life.

Become just another face in the crowd.

Kenny Powers. You got the wrong man.

My name's Steve. Steve the cockfighter.

You just like to hit it and quit it. That's how you roll?

Even though you're Mexican, you seem normal.

I should confess something. Steve is not really who I am.

Who are you? I'm Kenny Powers.

I reveal myself to you all here.

Kenny Powers is the Christ figure

that they perceive me to be.

My number's 55.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Uh-huh.

Look at me, Mom. Look at me, Mom.

Oh, yeah. Get it, Daddy. Mm.

I feel like I could go all fucking night.

But you only paid for an hour, baby.

Oh, right. No, but if I had paid for more, then I could...

Ooh! Oh, God!

Let it all out. Get a good return on that dollar.

That's it. Gone on, get it.

You know, I didn't even know you ho's

took credit cards until recently.

Well, baby, some do and some don't.

The good ones do though.

Do you remember servicing this man?

Oh, maybe. Who is he?

He's just an old friend that I've been looking for.

Oh, so you wanted to fuck me because your friend fucked me?

Nope, I wanted to walk a mile in his shoes.

And today's shoes just happened to be

a big old pair of comfy black boots.

Bitch, don't call me no boots.

Can I ask you another question?

How was he?

Oh, so you wanna know if he was better than you?

No, I just wanna know what he was like.

That motherfucker was an animal.

Chapter Eight:

Joining the new team.

Whew!

Over the course of my career,

I played on many different teams.

Some I liked, and some I really fucking hated

but let's just say Seattle can tongue-kiss my shit hole.

The best way to get a new team on your side

is to trash the last team you played for.

Talk shit about how their fans suck

and their women have pancake titties.

And if that doesn't work, then just like prison,

you pick the biggest, baddest dude on the team

and you kick him in his fucking teeth.

Boom! That's right. Strike out.

Yeah, good.

Hey, buddy, don't beat yourself up.

You pretty much had the whole entire force of God

coming at you. How fast was that?

Felt like about 100.

Last one was 90. Oh, no shit.

Maybe you should get your radar gun recalibrated. Maybe.

Maybe you should ice that shoulder.

It's been a while.

Stay focused, and you're gonna do just fine.

Th's real cute, Roger,

but you can save your pep talk for somebody who needs it.

I got this comeback locked down tight like a little gi's tuna.

Well, we'll see about that, huh?

This... This is totally locked down tight

like a girl's private parts, who's small.

Locker-room talk, baby.

Mr. Powers. Petrus Marco

What the hell you doing trying to creep on me?

I work for Mr. Cisneros,

the owner of the Charros, your new boss.

He would like to meet you.

Well, where the fuck is he?

Follow me.

You luring me into a rape or something?

What is this?

Not bad. This is one hell of a pussy palace, huh?

Lot of marbles and architectures and shit.

Flying buttresses.

A lot of original artworks. Very impressive.

Mr. Cisneros is training with his sensei.

Sensei?

Kenny Powers is here.

That will be it for today.

Kenny Powers, man.

It's a pleasure to meet you, man.

Hey, good to meet you too, man. That's a nice sword you got.

Yeah, I didn't even know Asian dudes even lived in Mexico,

and here you got one training you to be a ninja.

Very impressive. Oh, no, no, no.

He's not from Mexico.

I fly him from Tokyo, man. Straight from the tap.

Oh, high roller, huh? Goddamn, look at that view.

Seeing this house and your fine sword

and hearing how you're importing and exporting Chinamen,

let me guess, you must be fucking rich.

Yeah. It's cool.

How much exactly does it cost to b a Mexican baseball team?

Ten bucks and a burrito?

That's racism, man. I love to racism, bro.

Ah, I could tell by the look in your face

you didn't think that there was.

I definitely didn't think there was anybody

How'd you snag all this loot? v.

Well, my parents died in, like, a plane crash

and, you know, my pappy, he died right away

but my mommy, she lingered, so it was a tough decision, man,

but I had to pull the plug, you know?

I killed my mother. It's okay.

Shit, that's pretty heavy stuff. Man, that must suck.

Yeah, it sucks to be an orphan. But you know what doesn't suck?

Being a millionaire.

I see it does have its advantages.

You know, me and you, we have more in common than you realize.

I, too, am very, very wealthy. I'm also an orphan.

My dad ran out on me when I was just a kid.

All he left was a batch of hepatitis on the toilet seat.

Ah. Yeah,

had to build my whole empire from the ground up by myself.

Solo. You re famous at one point.

I'm still pretty famous.

Still have a lot of fame.

Yeah, okay, man. I wanna cut right to the chase.

How can I help you?

We, I'll tell you how you can help me, Sebastian.

You do realize when I take the mound this Friday night,

it's going to be the first time Kenny Powers

has taken the mound in quite a long time.

It's a fucking big deal, and not just to me.

To you, to the whole team,

to the fucking villagers, everybody.

Okay, I... I got it.

Do you want me to get, like, the publicity department

to organize something, like, the pictures,

and to supply the rainbows and the unicorns,

like, all the stuff that you were saying?

We're fucking sharing a brain right here. Exactly.

That's it, man. Yup.

I want this shit to have the pageantry

of a goddamn Alabama concert.

Talking about fireworks, smoke bombs,

laser beams, moonwalks.

You know how your people lit up the Alamo?

That's the shit I'm talking about.

Pow.

You're like a showman, man. I get it.

Yes, like a... No, not like a showman.

Part entertainer? Yes, of course.

But I consider myself more like a retired gunfighter

being called out of retirement for one more fucking showdown.

Can I ask you one question, though?

Do you plan on just having one showdown

or is it going to be a lot of showdowns?

No, there'll be multiple showdowns.

Multiple showdowns? Yeah.

I'm not trying to sign a Mexican contract or no shit.

We'll take it game by game, but of course, yeah,

I'm definitely playing for more than one game.

You guarantee that. Done.

Everything you want, man. It's done. To you, man.

Bam. Mm-hm.

Kenny! Aah!

Oh, shit!

Oh, Kenny, you shot me! Oh, shit!

Come on, stop screaming!

Stop fucking screaming!

Oh, my God! Kenny!

What the fuck are you doing here?

I came to find you! I'm not doing too good, Kenny!

Shh! Shh!

All right. This is gonna kill the infection.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit. My bad.

That's margarita mix.

Oh, God!

Don't go into shock! I'm going into shock!

Don't go into fucking shock!

I'm going into shock.

Stay awake. Just stay awake.

I'll be right back.

Que paso? Yo, do you guys

have any goddamn Band-Aids,

Q-tips, Mercurochrome, some Vagisil,

shit like at, first-aid stuff?

Come on!

My sister Maria, she's a nurse.

You... You got blood. You hurt or something?

Yes, goddamn it. We have a Rescue 911 situation.

Come on! Come on, weird woman! Go! Siesta. Come on!

- What happened? - I don't know.

I think he shot himself in his leg.

Fire. My leg is on fire.

You're not on fire, Stevie.

You're in a bathtub, okay?

These people are friends. The lady one is gonna help you.