Hacks

Oh, God, I think I've got an ace in the hole.

Okay, well, it's not exactly the most practical ensemble.

Practical doesn't get you press.

I need something that gives Madison Square Garden headliner

and also timeless, humble sex icon.

Hmm, I always wondered

what Machiavelli would have been like

if he'd been warped by boomer misogyny.

Ladies and gentlemen, Nico Hayes,

the Palmetto's newest artist in residency.

I know it's, like, obvious to say that

an international rock star is hot,

but, like, he's hot.

Deborah. Hi.

Would you like to do the carpet?

Oh, me?

I'm... I'm kind of shy, but sure, I'll try it.

So how are you feeling about Marty's wedding?

Oh.

Oh, it's kind of like a colonoscopy.

They happen every five years.

They're a pain in the ass,

but I'm passed out for most of it.

Deborah, looking aces.

- Bonsoir. - Hi.

Oh, my gosh, we were just talking about your big day.

Ah, yeah.

Well, Victoria wanted to keep it small,

but I said, baby, this might be my last one.

Let's blow it out.

Might?

Oh, nothing says love

like a subjunctive verb.

Congratulations on your show

at Madison Square Garden.

Oh, thank you.

I miss New York.

To be young again.

I just can't picture you young.

Oh.

So sorry.

I have to go say bonjour to the mini cheeseburgers.

I'll see you guys.

She calls the mini because that way,

it seems normal when she eats five.

Oh, sorry.

Uh, you can have it.

- Oh. - Yeah, totally.

Thank you. Really appreciate it.

I live with a woman who doesn't believe in

having snacks in the house, so I needed this.

You got it. I love the tie.

Very cool.

Thank you.

Um, I got it at the men's section

at the Ross Dress for Less on the strip.

- Oh, never been. - Oh, you must go.

Okay, I'll check it out.

Uh, you might want to avert your eyes.

I'm gonna eat this really fast.

I kind of want to watch.

Okay, freak.

- Oh, my God. - Mmm.

You think they'd let me play blackjack in this thing?

- Oh, Deborah. - Mm-mm.

Yes. This dress?

Marty, no scotch?

No, I need to stay sharp for these young VC guys

who just bought the Palmetto Group.

They're obsessed with hitting their macros

and bio hacking.

There's so many new terms

for eating disorders these days.

Literally.

So what are they like?

They're young. Great guys.

They're, uh... What do they call it?

Strategically editing,

meaning they're offloading properties,

like the Paradiso downtown.

- What? - No, that...

That casino's legendary.

My grandma lost her retirement there.

I mean, it should be protected

as a historical landmark.

I agree,

but it's above my pay grade now.

Okay, they're coming this way. I gotta go.

Marcus, what's a cool app I can bring up?

Um, Chase Mobile banking?

Okay.

Hi, Deborah. Nico is a huge fan.

He's wondering if you have a moment to meet him.

- Oh, certainly. - Okay, great.

Excuse me, fellas.

I almost wore that.

So first she dates Jim Carrey in "The Mask"... green...

And then Fiona's dating Shrek... Green.

I'm going, what is happening here?

Are you saying that Cameron Diaz has a green guy fetish?

I'm not saying she has a fetish,

but I'm saying if it happens again,

then something's afoot.

Isn't she in "The Green Hornet"?

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.

This goes all the way to the top.

Sorry, one second. Um... oh.

No, I have to go.

Oh.

Sorry.

It was nice meeting you.

You too. Yeah.

See ya.

Uh, okay, I'm sorry.

Um, I think you're really cute.

Uh, do you want to get a drink sometime?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I've said it enough times. Yes.

Okay, but I...

I feel like I need to be up-front with you,

because it's been kind of an issue

in the past with dating.

Um...

I'm a sex worker.

- That is awesome. - Really?

Yeah, really.

That is totally rocking.

For sure. Oh, my God.

I've been saying sex work is work forever.

I... I wasn't the first one to say it,

but I was definitely in the first thousand.

Okay. Then...

- Cool. - Cool. Yeah.

Um, do you want to...

Yeah, yeah, I'll put my number in.

Oh, and, um, I...

I should be up-front with you as well.

I am a comedy writer,

and that has been an issue for me

when it comes to dating,

just because we can be annoying.

- Damn. - So...

You were almost perfect.

Excited to meet you.

Right this way.

Nico, this is Deborah.

- Deborah, Nico. - Hi.

- Hi. - It is so nice to meet you.

I've been a huge fan since you did...

Oh, please, if you're gonna name an event

that happened after 1990,

don't finish that sentence.

Fair enough, but it's nice to meet someone

who I admire so much in person.

Well, it's nice to meet a fellow Lancôme ambassador.

And congratulations on your residency.

Thank you. Thank you.

You know, I wouldn't be doing any of this

if it wasn't for you.

Oh, come on.

Seriously.

Before you did a residency,

Vegas was just magicians and acrobats.

You made it cool for artists.

Yeah, I know my...

Oh, don't say history.

Icons.

Thank you.

Welcome to Vegas.

Thanks.

Can we get a picture?

- Yeah. - Thank you.

Change "disassociating" to "reclining elegantly."

And change "sweatpants" to "cashmere slacks."

Okay, so in Singapore, you were so depressed,

you were reclining elegantly in cashmere slacks?

Yeah, that's how I remember it.

Me too.

- Oh. - Great.

- It's Jimmy. Hello, hello. - Hello.

So I got a very interesting request.

Nico Hayes's publicist called and said that Nico

would love to take you out to dinner.

- Oh. - Yeah.

There are photos of you guys from last night

that are breaking the internet.

I mean, not literally,

though my Wi-Fi is slow today.

Anyway, there's already a hashtag.

People are calling you guys "Nicorah."

Oh, how interesting.

I do want to flag that I'm not pressuring you in any way

into any sort of sexual situation.

It's very important to me that

you have your own private,

intimate, sensual life

and that I have no influence over that.

And as a matter of safety,

I am recording this conversation.