Cake

Mmm. Brr.

Ah!

Hmm.

Uh...

‐Right? ‐Nope.

Huh.

Oh. I'm dizzy.

Oh.

Tanya?

Um...

Why would you carry your bike

up three flights of stairs?

Did you not see the bike rack?

It's right outside.

The red bike is there.

Every time I come here,

this red bike is taking up the entire rack‐‐

parked right across it, blocking all the spots.

Ugh, I mean, who would openly flout

bike‐rack etiquette like that?

I don't know. I've never actually seen them.

But I had an idea.

How about you guys just come to my place more?

That seems fair.

Oh, I totally would,

but I got this puzzle going on right now,

and, you know, puzzles don't travel well,

like sushi.

Ernesto, I didn't want to get all serious about this‐‐

But I feel like you're not holding up

your end of the best‐pals contract.

‐What? Whoa, Whoa. ‐(gasps)

You invoke the best‐pals contract, Tanya?

The unspoken agreement of loyalty and love

among a group of best pals?

Yes I do.

This is a serious accusation.

Y‐you really think I would sacrifice our friendship

for a 24‐piece jigsaw puzzle?

Prove that you wouldn't.

Fine.

I will help you track down

the owner of the mysterious bike

and teach them proper bike‐rack etiquette,

even if it means staking out the bike rack for hours,

even if it means bringing snacks.

Huh. That's not at all what I was going for,

but it does sound fun.

Yeah, let's do it.

Surprise!

‐(all yell) ‐Turt, what the fuck?

Sorry, y'all.

Just decided to pull a little surprise.

I'm trying to be more impulsive.

But, Turt, I thought you feared the unknown.

I did, but then yesterday I fell off the kitchen counter,

and I thought I was gonna die

because it's ten times my body height,

but then I didn't die.

‐You lived? ‐Yeah.

So now I'm not scared of stuff anymore.

Check this out.

‐Ahh! ‐(gasps)

Flip me over! Flip me over!

‐TANYA: Oh, my God, Turt! ‐Ah.

See? I'm all good.

‐Whoa. ‐Oh, I'm so happy

that you conquered your fears, Turt.

I mean, I've always been fearless,

so I can't exactly relate.

Same.

I know. You two are the coolest.

I think it's because you're both tall.

That's my theory as well.

So should we go catch the mystery biker?

'Cause I'm down to clown.

Oh, we're doing that today?

‐I'm ready. ‐You guys want me

‐to bring the puzzle? ‐On a stakeout?

Right, good point. I'll bring it.

Huh.

Hi, and welcome back to another edition

of "Words with Ike."

The word I'd like to talk to you about today

is "opportunity."

Opportunity can be defined

as a good position, chance, or prospect

for advancement or success.

As an example, I'd like to offer my viewers

a one‐time opportunity to invest

in my offshore, future trading program‐‐

Ike's Mutual Fortunes Fund.

It yields a high

and consistent return.

No matter how much the market fluctuates,

we guarantee high performance on your investment.

While we're not yet registered

with the Securities and Exchange Commission,

the longer you wait to invest,

the longer it takes for you to see your return.

All it takes to get started is a base payment of $50,000.

There's no risk at all.

There's no risk at all,

other than missing out on this opportunity.

And if you've already invested,

please stop calling.

Legs are numb, and the phone is out.

Who will earn my like today?

Gasp!

I mean, they were only dating for a year!

Good for Liam!

Aren't you happy for your brother?

No! He's beating me now.

He's engaged, and I have nothing, all right?

He's only four months older than me.

How is that possible?

God, I have nothing to show for myself.

Everybody hates me

because I haven't accomplished anything.

Oh, Noel, that's not why people hate you.

‐(bell dings) ‐That's it!

I should set up an online dating profile.

I'm a catch after all, right?

Right?

"Which is nothing to be embarrassed about."

There, done.

Now to see all the hits I'm getting.

And now to see all the hits.

All right, third time's the charm.

‐(computer chimes) ‐Oh, hello.

"Hello, my sexy man."

Okay.

Uh, "We are need credit card info

to big‐time sex with you."

God damn it.

Olga, you fool, you come on too strong.

Ah, I thought he'd be my Mr. Right.

So you called me in

to help spice up your dating profile, huh?

No, you broke into my apartment

because the butterfly you were chasing

flew in through my window.

Challenge accepted.

Let's see what I can do here.

Oh, yeah, here's your problem.

Under job, you said you were the last honest man.

Ugh, women hate that. Hell, everybody hates that.

It's what I am.

And now you're a doctor.

I'm not a doctor.

Hey, you're doctoring this, aren't you?

How tall are you? 6'5"? 7'3"?

I'm 5'11 3/4".

6'5". And you're a veteran of, uh...

What's a good one? What's a good war?

Oh, this is absurd, okay?

‐Just take it down. ‐(computer chimes)

Okay, well you already have 300 hits.

301, 302... 314? Jeez.

Can you make it say I fought ISIS?

Buddy, I can make it say you beat them.

Aah!

Oh, and I'm not permitted to be scared?

This is so typical of Americans.

Uh, aren't you American?

I'm a citizen of the world, baby.

(grunting)

Okay, well, I have the fingers

of a nine‐pound ball user.

It's the ball who should be embarrassed,

not me! ‐Ugh.

Because the spinning top, say it with me,

represents reality.

Aah!

But you left your parachute!

I no longer fear hell and its torments!

I should just throw in the towel.

Maybe get into craft beers or something

to keep my mind occupied while I circle the drain.

Jesus, Noel, you went on three dates.

Maybe let Swan Boy and me help you on the next one.

That's rich. How could you two help me?

I can sell you performance‐enhancing shoes.

You don't have any of those.

Yeah, the magic was in you the whole time.

Pay up.

No, I meant we could hide in the bushes

and give you advice.

Like Cyrano de Bergerac?

Just lie!