Chivalry

This programme contains very strong language,

adult humour, sexual scenes and references

The three... The three of us should do that.

I can just tell by talking to you.

I think you will love this place,

I have, I have to tell you.

It's, uh, where Ian Fleming wrote all the James Bond novels.

It's called Goldeneye... Sorry I'm late.

Bobby!

You made it.

I had childcare issues. Hi.

Erm, this is the last thing you're going to want to do but...

Nice to meet you. ..he, er, he won't listen to me.

You're a film director, you're a woman,

er, you'll speak his language.

The bedrooms are along here.

I say bedrooms, they're hotel suites.

There's an office desk, not just a bed...

I've never been here before.

Well, if you ever want a table or anything just, you know,

mention my name, Cameron O' Neill,

and they will, uh, take care of you.

I always say if this place, if this place's walls could talk...

What do you think they'd say?

Pierre. Mm.

You're looking very...relaxed.

May I present

Bobby Sohrabi, the director of Mother Of God.

I know who she is.

I know who you are.

I loved your movie. Thank you.

You're good.

You're very good.

Thank you.

You're Iranian?

Yeah, yeah. Excellent cinema.

Beautiful, poetic.

Ghobadi, Farrokhzad, Panahi.

You know Panahi?

Yeah, well, not personally, but, yeah.

I'll introduce you. Thank you.

The lead actress,

the old prostitute,

she wasn't an actress?

No, no, she was... She was a sex worker.

Hah!

And how did you get that performance out of her?

Well, I do a lot of guided improv,

but I spent about two years trying to find her

so it's, it's all sort of in the casting of it.

Where did you find her?

In a brothel. In Vegas.

Cheers to that.

Isn't she amazing?

So.

Who do you wanna fuck?

Me?

Or him?

Guys.

BOBBY CHUCKLES

Relax. You're OK.

We're Europeans.

There are no Americans here.

OK, so, Pierre, we both think you're a genius...

Fuck you.

What's she here for?

In your contract,

as director of A Little Death, you have final cut. Correct.

It also states that you agree

not to do anything that would harm

or damage the reputation of the studio

or do anything that would bring its good name into disrepute.

Now, as it stands, the cut of the movie

has depictions of women that they feel objectifies them.

And who's "they"?

Women. The studio.

Er, the studio and women.

Jean.

Jean's not fucking with my movie.

Jean is not fucking with your movie.

She is. And she sent you to kill it, Cameron,

and I won't let you kill it, OK?

In life, there are sexual ambiguity,

there is nuance,

and you, you are denying it.

All of you are a bunch of heathens,

promoting anti-art Hollywood garbage.

Bobby, at the request of the studio, has kindly agreed

to come and help us navigate... Non, non, no, no, no.

This is the death of art

and you are riding a wave of destruction

that will eat you in the end.

It will come and it will fuck you

and maybe it's getting me right now.

But fuck, the shit I know about you, Cameron?

Oh, my God.

The shit I know about you.

That's a separate thing.

You want to fuck with my movie?

Why don't you get a hammer

and take it to the Venus De Milo?

She's got her fucking tits out.

Knock off her tits.

You philistines.

You think a pair of tits is obscene?

It's fucking censorship in the land of the free!

THAT'S obscene.

Pierre, the only reason I'm here

is to try and have a productive, creative...

Don't be a puppet to the studio!

Be like the hooker in your movie. She was real!

Well, she was a sex worker.

You're not real.

She had integrity.

Don't do this, Bobby Sohrabi.

Don't sell out.

LABOURED BREATHING

Pierre?

Pierre. Oh, my God.

Thank you.

BOBBY SIGHS

Oh, Jean, hi.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It, it was very sudden.

Honestly, I don't think he was in any pain.

If we are smart we can spin it. Spin it?

The Academy loves it when an auteur takes a dirt nap.

I'm putting you on A Little Death. Direct the reshoots.

If we get Oscar heat, we're home and dry with the Saudis.

They'll give us a billion dollars,

we can keep making super-hero movies,

we get rich and everyone gets to keep their job.

You said that I just needed to have a creative conversation with Pierre.

That's what I did.

I cannot work with men like Cameron O'Neill. It's...

You wanna make your next picture? Your menstrual bible film?

Well, it's, it's an Iranian biblical biopic.

It's, it's, it's inspired by the Old Testament,

but really it's a commentary for modern women to enjoy

and I think they'd appreciate... You wanna make that movie?

Yeah, I really do, Jean.

Well, honey, if you pull this off,

you can have a blank cheque for anything you wanna make.

Cameron'll reject you at first,

try to undermine you,

then realise you have all the good ideas.

He'll pretend they're his, he'll fall in love with you,

try to sleep with you.

Don't let him.

What a way to start the week.

Right.

Er, but I've got, been getting a lot of calls,

very positive feedback.

Full disclosure, I'm really happy you're here.

Great. I'd love to see the whole film.

Yeah, well they did just want to give it a polish before you see it.

Who's they?

The editor and his, er, assistant.

But you're the producer. I mean, it seems a bit odd

to be polishing something that might be pulled apart.

Pulled apart? Well, I mean,

nothing's off the table at this stage, is it?

No, no, that, that's right. Er, am I at this table?

Yeah. Course you are. Phew.

We both are. Good.

Oh, my God.

Cameron!

You look just like Paul Rudd but a little older.

Ha-ha! I've been told that.

What are you doing? What's going on?

Er, I'm playing Samuel Morse. He's the, you know, Morse Code.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That invented cable telegrams.

Yeah, you know Morse Code, right?

Er, you know Morse Code? SOS. Yeah, oh, yeah.

I thought everyone knew SOS?

Dot, dot, dot, dash, dash, dash, dot, dot, dot. Yeah.

Well, no, actually,

it's dash, dash, dash, dot, dot, dot, dash, dash, dash.

Right, OK. If you're in trouble,

don't do his version, cos that just means OSO.

Yes. No-one will come.

BRITTLE LAUGHTER

But really, what an amazing man. Yeah.

He did everything. He was a painter.

That's right. He was a landscape painter.

Portrait.

OK, portrait, yeah.

This is great. I've missed this.

Let's get together. Amen to that.

I'm gonna grab an almond butter, but send me a text, call me. OK.

I loved your movie, by the way.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

I'm Paul. Hi. Thank you so much.

MESSAGE ALERT

Paul Rudd loved my movie.

One of the most unpleasant people I've ever met.

MESSAGE ALERT

Sorry if I'm, er, little disconnected.

It's just that, my life partner and I split up.

Oh, sorry to hear that.