Chivalry

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

GENTLE MUSIC

CRIES OUT

Shall I come and pick you up from Grandma's?

No! Grandma's making waffles.

OK. OK, darling, that sounds really yummy.

Why do you never make me waffles?

DOORBELL BUZZES

PHONE RINGS

Hi.

Hey, up-and-comer, it's your 10%.

One sec. Thank you so much.

Cheers. Sorry about that.

What are you doing?

Erm, I am eating

Persian cardamom cake.

It's 9am. Is that like a British thing?

Like, like orange squash or tippy-toes or...

...popping over to the shop

for a pint of fizzy drinks...

..before skipping back up me chimney? No. Oh, OK.

So, lesbian vampires - are you in?

Unsure.

I'm not sure if so many dead women is my thing.

It's lesbian vampire superheroes, OK?

You know, if the guys get turned on too, great.

It's a new studio, it's a huge franchise.

I mean, if you make that one movie,

then you can make whatever you want.

Look, they need an answer by the end of the day.

And I think that answer should be

a big fat juicy yes!

It's, you know, sexy...

..fucking feminism -

everybody wins.

All right. Later, potato.

Oooh-arrrr.

I'm not a pirate.

Just let me know.

Oh, hi. Oh, hi.

I didn't see you sneak in.

You look great.

You must have had a good night's sleep.

Yeah, I did, yeah.

I didn't know you were coming today.

Yeah, I thought I'd take a quick dip,

freshen up before I head up to Santa Barbara.

What's in Santa Barbara?

Er, my friend has a dude ranch near Goleta,

so got some amazing horses there.

Painted horses, mustangs, Appaloosas...

He's lending me this white quarter horse.

Wow. Very fast.

And, erm... And, erm,

so I'm going to ride through the hills,

about 30 miles, to this log cabin and, erm,

hold up there for a couple of days.

Oh, a real cowboy.

Hmm. Take a harmonica.

Look at the stars.

Just... Yeah.

Well, that sounds completely wonderful. Yeah.

Wait - I think he has a spare horse.

...anyone who was anyone back in the day.

But if you do want to ride a horse, I mean,

they're all pretty tame.

There's... Wow, this is beautiful.

This is...exquisite.

MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY ON RADIO

Erm, do you mind? Is that OK?

That's a neck scarf - blows warm air on your neck.

I mean, I can...I can do that for you,

but I've got my hands full.

Well, if I get bored of the chair,

you can pull over at a lay-by and do it yourself.

Hmm. Ah.

Yeah, er, do you want cool, warm? You know?

Yeah. I can dial it up or down.

Well, maybe a fraction down... I'm not just talking about the car.

LAUGHS

Oh, I know what I was going to ask you.

Good, I'm glad... I'm happy we're moving on.

And...please be honest.

What did you think of my movie?

Oh, well, erm...

You made a really good film, a solid film.

Er, but one day...

...you will...you will make a great film.

Did I ever tell you what I thought of Dad's Back 2?

No. But, you know,

there's nothing you can say about that film

that I'm not going to...

...that I'm going to disagree with.

Do you normally go at this pace or...?

I don't need to rush, I've already arrived.

BOBBY LAUGHS

It's like popcorn, it's like ice cream.

It's like those things,

they're fun, but they're not nourishment, you know.

The best movies are like...are like

a well-rounded... Shit.

Oh, come on, switch it off. If you don't...

I told you, if you don't switch it off, how are we ever going to...

...sweater?

Fuck.

Come on. What...

What part of "don't put cashmere

"in the washing machine" don't you understand?

Read the labels!

Despacio, mi Jean, por Dios.

I'm so sorry. You know, it's funny -

you understand everything fully

when I'm talking about your paycheque. Huh?

I mean, come on, don't Mexicans have cashmere?

Are you just throwing those ponchos in the wash?

Ah. No, that's racist.

You'd think she'd know better.

Yeah, I think that's also racist. Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Yeah, OK.

Switch it off. We don't have to know about that.

We've got to get back.

We've got to get back to your house right now.

I mean we have to help her, don't we?

Why? Why do we?

You know why.

Cos if Jean gets cancelled,

then the marketing budget

gets cancelled by Fraser.

Oh, my God. Ariana Grande's just called her disgusting.

What...? I mean, does this mean...?

What does this mean? That it's over?

Why do they have to destroy someone?

Why can't they just throw a custard pie in her face?

Why do they have to chop her head off?

These people are like the fucking Taliban.

Cameron, she abused someone who cleans her house.

Look, if she survives this and we don't back her,

then we're fucked and you can kiss goodbye

to your feminist Iranian menstruation movie...

There's loads of people that are interested in my film.

That film will live and die inside your head.

And maybe you'll be able to describe it to 100 people

in the remainder of your life,

if they're prepared to listen to the whole thing.

I mean, I presume you want to make this film.

Of course I want to make my movie. Then get smart and be pragmatic.

I feel like you're telling me to sell my soul.

SIGHS If you sell a bit of your soul,

then you -

and have enough left to bargain with -

then you, with a fair wind,

you'll buy back your soul one day

and you may even have a soul to spare.

So you can have two souls? Is that what you're...?

Is that what you're saying? Yes, it's a buyer's market.

In this town, there are a lot of people

with their souls for sale.

Alexa, is it selling your soul to make a pragmatic decision

to further your career?

Sorry. I'm not sure.

Yeah. She doesn't care.

Do you wish all your relationships operated like that? Yes, I do.

Er, Alexa, cancel my 3.30 with Margaret Atwood.

There's nothing on your calendar today.

Look, I don't know about you,

but I will be supporting Jean. I mean...

...how many films

do you think a Mexican maid is going to green-light?

Oh, God.

I can hear you fuckers.

How did you get in my house?

I found a key under your planter box, jackass.

God, this is good granola.

This is what's going to happen.

If you can convince people you can make them money,

they forgive you pretty quickly.

But I'm getting it from all sides,

all the old assholes out for my blood.

They can't stand I'm doing great.

Fuck them. I got more pussy than I know what to do with.

Hmm. I used to talk like that.

OK, it's on social media,

but there's been no official statements.

I mean, it's not catching fire. We can strangle this at birth.

Wait, what...? What do you mean, "we"?

Uh, we're in this together.

Are we? Jean, it's...it's really going everywhere.

This is...this is worrying.

What about the-the-the-the woman?

The housekeeper? Yeah, I mean,

can we...can we track her down, can we talk to her?

That's a good idea.

Bobby, you find her.

And her son. Uh, Lupe.

She's a Mexican, she has a Mexican name.

Yeah, that tracks.

Er, Guadalupe Ortiz.

She works at a taco spot in Boyle Heights.

Where's Boyle Heights? Do I look like fucking Siri?

Take my chequebook,