The Millers

Ooh!

Hot apple tarts.

Well, almost hot. The microwave's acting up again.

Yeah, just chip through the icy crust until you get to the hot apple center.

But be careful because we lost two forks

this morning on frozen breakfast burritos.

Why don't you just let me buy you a new microwave?

Because I can't keep relying on you every time something breaks.

You already bought us a new dishwasher,

a coffee maker, then there was the vacuum.

Well, that one actually didn't break.

Goodwill came to the door, and I, uh, panicked.

When I gave your mother that microwave for our anniversary, she was speechless.

Best $79 I ever spent.

I should've married Burt Reynolds when I had the chance.

You never had the chance.

From the age of 18 to 42, I could've had any man.

Any man.

I haven't had to do this much work for this little reward since Homecoming.

You know what? I'm gonna buy you a microwave.

That's it, I'm done.

Also I'm done with this.

I'll take it!

Oh-ho, Mikayla, no.

I said no sweets for a week.

Mikayla was caught twerking on the playground.

Yeah, so she's being punished.

That's how you discipline? No sweets for a week?

Your parents are the ones who should be punished

for robbing you of a learning experience.

Debbie, why didn't you give her one of my apology reports?

Because I'm punishing my child.

I'm not torturing her.

What's an apology report?

Well, as a former teacher, I had my kids give a presentation

that stated what they did wrong

and showed equal parts imagination and sincere regret.

Debbie always had trouble with the sincere part.

"Sorry that I used all your fancy soaps to give my dolls a bubble bath.

I'm also sorry that you're too cheap to buy me new dolls."

Try again.

Lose the attitude.

Again?!

That's, like, ten times!

"I'm sorry that I used all your fancy soaps..."

If you just put a little more effort into them like Nathan did,

they would've been a lot easier.

A little effort?

He spent the whole day in the basement making an elaborate video.

It was like he was trying to win the Oscar for Best Suck-Up.

That is not true.

We didn't get awards.

Although if we did, I definitely would've won one.

Yo, yo, yo, America!

And my-Mom-i-ca.

You're watching Nate TV.

I didn't mean to scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch your car.

From, from, from, from, from, from now on,

I'll practice my golf swing in the back, back, back, back,

back, back, backyard.

None of the records you care about were hurt in the making of this video.

I'm-a go make my bed.

No matter how much trouble Nathan was in, I could never stay mad at him

after one of his masterful apology reports.

He was like a little Bill Clinton.

You know, uh, my dad used to be a cop,

so anytime I would have a fight with my sister,

he would just handcuff us together until we made up,

which worked. Except now my sister's into some...

- pretty weird stuff. - Well, we have

our own parenting style, and I'm not making Mikayla do an apology report.

They were humiliating.

That's what made them so funny.

I used to tape 'em and show the guys at work.

Bet I still have the tapes in the basement.

Unless I recorded Matlock over 'em.

Either way, we got a fun night ahead of us.

And you scored a 14, which makes you a...

"Hot Tamale"!

Oh! I don't need a magazine to tell me that.

Hey, Ray, what are you doing here?

It's not Downton Abbey night.

Ray's gonna crash here for a couple of nights.

Yeah, I had a big girl over at the house.

It's gonna take a couple of days

before my memory foam mattress forgets about her.

Nathan, the appliance store called.

They delivered Debbie's new microwave today and charged your card.

Oh, that's so nice you bought your sister a new microwave.

Your boy is the whole package:

Handsome, generous and real gentle with a back-scratcher.

He's the sweetest child a mother could ask for.

: That's the reason he's my favorite.

That's very nice of you, Mom, but you shouldn't say that.

- Parents don't have favorites. - Oh, I'm sure some do.

I heard Jeffrey Dahmer's brother was a smooth jazz pianist.

But even if he isn't, I bet he never ate a foot.

You hear what I said?

- I heard what you said! - All right,

look, Debbie is not a serial killer.

My mom's just being silly.

She doesn't really have a favorite.

Sure, I do.

You.

All right, I think you've had enough.

Oh, come on!

I'm just being honest.

I didn't say I didn't love your sister.

I love you both the same.

But when it comes to like, I think I like you a teeny bit more.

- Okay, Mom, stop it. Come on. - Ooh, a teeny-weeny bit more.

All right, all right, all right. Look, yes, truth be told,

I get why I'd be the favorite.

Yeah, and, you know... and I'm flattered.

But you just... you can't say stuff like that out loud.

If Debbie heard, she'd be upset

- and she would definitely overreact. - Oh, please.

She'll be fine. She's got your dad.

What do you mean she's got Dad?

She's your father's favorite.

Yeah, r... right.

Wait, you're telling me that Debbie is Dad's favorite?

And you're my favorite.

Yeah, clear on that.

Let's get back to the Dad and Debbie thing.

Relax. I didn't say he didn't love you.

He just likes her a teeny-weeny bit more.

I can see that.

Oh, really, Ray? You can see that?

Well, what possibly prompts you to think

that my dad could-could possibly pick Debbie over me?

Well, for one thing, Debbie doesn't pop her Ps and get spittle in my Zinfandel.

I can't believe him.

I'm his firstborn son!

I mean, Debbie? Come on!

Has he even met her? It's no contest!

Nathan, you're just being silly.

Mmm. Don't give it another thought!

And don't be so greedy!

You're your mom's favorite. You're my favorite.

How many people's favorites do you need to be?!

Everybody's!

Did you watch last week's Downton Abbey?

Has Lord Grantham lost his mind?!

Right!

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Nate.

Thanks again for this microwave.

It's awesome. It's quiet, it cooks.

It's like the perfect wife. Huh?

Am I right, buddy? Am I...

Uh... Never mind. I'm not that guy.

So, uh...

I guess the-the microwave is Adam's new favorite appliance.

Would you agree with that? Would you...

would you say that Debbie's microwave is your favorite?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh. So, uh... so you like Debbie's microwave more than mine?

Well, it's newer.

Oh. So newer's always better for you, huh?

Even though you've known my microwave longer?

Nathan, did you double up on your diet pills again?

No, Dad.

Mom told me that Debbie is your favorite.

Wait. Really? Why-why would she say that?

Let me guess. She was drinking wine from a box.

Yep.

Always does it.

With the bottle, she knows to stop at the label.

With the box, she can't see how much she drank.

She'll just... keep going

until she starts making prank calls to Chinese restaurants.

So I-is it true?

Is Debbie your favorite?

Dad, don't be rude.

Nathan's asking you a question.

Is Debbie your favorite?

Please say that Debbie is your favorite.

I love you both the same.

No, no, no, no, no. That's not what I asked.

- What's going on? Mom told Nathan

I was Dad's favorite.

- Nice! - I know, right?

Okay, just put your high five back in your pocket.

He hasn't answered quite yet.

Sophie's Choice, Dad, let's do it.

Debbie and I are in a building,

it's burning to the ground. Who do you pull out?

I don't know. What floor are you on?

Dad, it doesn't really... Second floor.

Whose building is it?

It's mine! It's an investment.

Stop stalling.

Why yours? It could be my building.

What-what building are you gonna buy?

God, your credit score looks like a speed limit.

I had to co-sign for you to get cable

and they still turned you down for Showtime.

Maybe someone in Adam's family died and left it to us.

Yeah, probably my Uncle Nick. He smokes in bed.

Who cares? There's still a chance to save one of us.