Hacks

Oh, my God. Look at this.

Sh... she has risen!

No, no!

I was never dead.

TMZ got a bad tip.

They issued a retraction this morning.

But they said they carried your body off a boat

in Singapore, and you didn't make it.

What?

They said they carried your body

off a boat in Singapore, and you didn't make it.

No, yeah.

No, no, no, I didn't make it to the hospital.

I came to in the ambulance.

I had them reroute me to my hotel.

- Oh, hallelujah. - Thank You, Jesus.

We didn't want to believe it,

but it made sense because of your...

You know, your, um... Your... your breakdown.

My breakdown?

Yeah, at "Late Night."

It was all over the news that you went cuckoo.

Deborah Vance is alive!

Yes! Oh, yes!

[engine turning over, tires squealing]

Motherfuckers!

These headlines are horrible.

"How Deborah Vance lost her way

and lost 'Late Night' in the process."

Oh, "Diva down."

"Talk show host's bizarre behavior

raises serious concerns."

Ever since you went to Singapore,

Bob Lipka has been smearing you in the press.

But I defended you in all the comments

with my burner... @JoyceGoldblattChang.

Oh, my God.

"Deborah Vance's on-air break...

Why they cut the feed before her meltdown."

- What? - That's a bad one.

Oh, "Once an arsonist, always an arsonist...

Deborah Vance burns down 'Late Night.'"

God, I knew that social-media detox

was gonna bite me in the ass.

First I was tagged in some very unflattering photos.

Now this?

There are hundreds of these.

Where are all the articles calling me

a free-speech warrior?

Well, there were some positive ones,

but they've been buried.

Of course, 'cause that bastard owns

almost every news outlet. - Oh, my God.

I think we've all read the stories.

Speaking of.

And, yeah, it's tragic.

Of course, I wish Deborah had spoken to us first,

but, hey, it is a tough gig.

- Oh. -

Not everyone's built for it.

We all just hope she gets well.

- "Gets well"? - "Gets well"?

- "Gets well"? -

No wonder the obituary was so bad.

They needed someone to blame, so they blame me,

the crazy lady.

It's the fucking house fire all over again.

We need to sue, okay?

And we need to get these websites to issue a retraction.

- I don't think that's gonna... - No.

Damage is already done. - Fuck.

We need to shift the narrative

with something bigger than all of this.

Like what?

I'll figure something out.

So how you guys been? Both: Good.

I think we should do a couples costume for Halloween.

Well, what are you thinking?

- Bart and Lisa or... - Knock, knock.

Hey.

- May I? - Sure.

Regret to inform you

that Jeff Dunham is signing elsewhere.

- Ugh. - Fuck!

But the meeting went so well.

I even got along with his stupid-ass puppet.

All of our meetings go well, and then they find out

we can't do business with Bob Lipka's companies,

and they ghost us.

Well, it doesn't help that our client list

is older, female, and losing bone density

by the minute, Jimmy.

You don't have to tell me twice.

We lost two clients to bad falls this month alone.

It's sad, and I don't want to visit the hospital again.

Parking is a nightmare.

I didn't want to tell you this, but we lost Lassie.

The dog signed somewhere else?

No, I mean, we literally lost her.

She ran away. And she's not fixed, Jimmy.

She's probably taking loads from every pit tie from here

to Santa Clarita, that stupid whore.

All right, look, I know this isn't popular.

No one's gonna want to hear this,

but I think we should revisit the conversation

about downsizing this office. - No. We're not downsizing.

Don't make me say that again.

Kayla, the office, the rent, the phones,

the insurance... it costs $30,000 a month to be here.

- It's worth it. - Mm-hmm.

We're projecting success to the industry.

I mean, there's already nasty gossip going around

about us ever since you beat the shit out of Bob Lipka.

I didn't beat the shit out of him.

I just knocked his phone out of his hand.

We had a little scuffle.

The assistant Slack is still abuzz, boss... not good.

If we move now, it's a death knell.

Okay, fine.

It's Damien.

He says Deborah wants to have lunch in Vegas this afternoon.

Oh, my God, the last-minute flights

are gonna be so expensive... This is what I'm talking about.

Do you know what's free? Your BMW...

Which I just had vacuumed, it's spotless.

You could eat an omakase off the dash.

Sure, but if we're gonna drive and be there by lunch,

we've got to go now. - Road trip.

I'll drive. Don't worry. I just got my license.

- "Just"? - Shotgun.

Okay, I guess I'll sit in the back of my own car?

- Wake up! -

I figured it out.

What time is it? Actually, what day is it?

Every obituary leads

with a person's greatest achievement or failure.

That's why I need a win, a legacy-defining win

that they cannot spin! - Okay.

I refuse to be remembered on other people's terms...

As a quitter or the person who killed "Late Night"

or some hysterical woman.

I have worked too hard, and I have fought far too long.

I will be remembered for my accomplishments.

Yes.

So I have decided to EGOT.

- Uh, EGOT? - Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony.

No, I know. Well, actually, I didn't.

I thought the G was for Golden Globe, but I love that.

I love that. - Oh. Oh, good.

I kind of assumed you'd think it was crazy.

No. I think... I think it'd be crazy if you did not do that.

- Right? Great. - Yeah.

Come on, get up... we're having lunch with the team.

Now! - Lunch?

I'm still on Singapore Standard Time.

A midnight snack could be good.

That's right, it's me. I'm alive.

It's hard, but it's worth it.

I mean, I know EGOT is ambitious,

but I'm already halfway there.

I have a Daytime Emmy for hosting "Bagongle."

- Yes. Oh, my God. - "Bagongle."

- Yeah. - Wait, what?

Oh, "Bagongle" was a game show

on the USA Network in 1992,

where celebrities played Boggle on a constantly shaking floor.

So funny.

And I already have my Tony for producing.

In a post-coital haze, Eric Idle convinced me

to put some money into "Spamalot."

Anyway, I already have my T and my E.

So now I need you to get me my O.

Oh.

- O is for Oscar. - No, I know what O stands for.

I just meant, oh, like a reaction.

- Oh, that's crazy. - Yeah, wow.

Um, anyway, Deborah, I'm gonna have to review your contract,

because I have to see what you can even do legally.

Boss man, permission to speak.

Sure.

Now, the network paid out Deborah's contract,

and they did it all through her exclusivity clause,

not the non compete.

Technically, she can't do anything scripted or paid...

TV, film, no new media.

They control her socials, no live public performances.

And the contract specifies Florida law governs.

And because Deborah already signed

her injunctive relief clause, if she violates the contract,

they can come at her with a restraining order or worse.

- You memorized all that? - Inadvertently.