Mandy

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today

# Oh, Mandy. #

Bad news, Mandy, that's the last of the Minty Pig.

Can't you get some more? I only ever have Minty Pig.

They don't make it any more.

It comes from Russia.

It's all part of the sanctions.

Damn you, Putin! Damn you to hell!

Also, they discovered it's got asbestos in it.

I always wondered why I threw up if I licked my fingers.

- What are you doing this evening, Mandy? - Nothing much.

I'll probably just stay in and watch some TV with my nan.

What? Your nan?

Yeah, she likes watching those old films without any sex or violence

or a message or social justice in them.

I don't mean to be rude, Mandy, but, your grandmother is still alive?

Yeah, very much so.

- You never mentioned her before. - Have I not?

- How old is she? - 110.

110! You cannot be serious.

Why isn't it on Granada Reports?

We haven't got proof.

It needs to be independently verified

and her birth certificate was destroyed in a fire.

- Where does she live? - Well, this is the thing.

Her boyfriend threw her out so she's living in my attic.

- How long's she been with you? - Too long.

I need to talk to her about it tonight, actually.

It's about time she moved out.

But why is she in the loft?

Nowhere else for her to go.

My small back bedroom's full of my Danbury Mint collectables.

Can I come home with you and meet her?

If you like.

Hey, Nan? We've got visitors.

Do you want a brew, Nan?

Aye, alreet.

You go through, Lola. - Are you sure?

Yeah, go on, I'll do this.

I cannot wait to meet this lady.

Pleased to meet you. - Who are you?

Oh, that's my friend, Lola, she works at the local beauty salon.

She does me nails.

Can you do owt with these?

Um, yes, they just need a tiny trim and a buff.

Mandy tells me you are 110 years old?

109 actually, but we'd need it independently verified

if I'm to get on Granada Reports.

Yes, so I believe.

So, what is your secret to such a long life?

Cod liver oil.

Oh, I must get some.

I do the odd marathon and all.

What? You run marathons?

Yeah, she's beaten her time every year.

She's got another coming up, haven't you, Nan?

Aye, yeah, in a month.

I'd better start training.

You haven't been training?

No, but it won't take me long to get match fit.

No, once she gets started, she makes Captain Tom look bone idle.

Don't they get someone royal to hand out the medals?

Nan's anti-royal.

I wouldn't piss on that family if they were on fire.

She won't even eat Duchy original biscuits.

If someone gave me a Duchy biscuit, I'd smash it into the carpet

then I'd spit on it.

Nazi bastards.

All right, Nan, don't go getting all upset.

Now, Mandy, you know you haven't given me any grandkids...

Oh, not this again.

I've told you, Nan, I don't want kids.

Are your eggs rotten?

There's nothing wrong with my eggs!

Well, anyway,

I had my eggs frozen years ago.

I were one of the first to get it done

because I thought I might want more kids in the future.

Oh, don't be ridiculous,

it'd be like trying to fertilise an egg in a Hoover bag.

Then I thought about adopting.

Don't talk wet, they wouldn't let you have a pug,

they're not going to let you have a nipper.

Can you believe it?

If you want to adopt a baby, nobody bats an eyelid.

If you want a pug, you've got to have two gay lads come round

and check your fencing's secure.

Anyway, I got an email the other week, saying

they'd successfully fertilised one of my eggs.

You got an email? Is that how it works?

Where did you go to do all this?

I went on the dark web.

- The dark web?! - On me Tesco Mobile.

I've got unlimited data.

And I get Clubcard points.

Who's the father?

I don't know.

The fertility clinic's in Albania.

I think they just have big vats of jizz from all over.

I did specify human sperm on the form.

At least I think I did.

Don't you think you're a bit old to have a baby?

- It's my right to have a baby. - Mm-hm.

I'll be the oldest mum in the country.