Almost There

Flip it. Flip it.

Flip it real good.

- Flip it. - No.

What?

You didn't knock.

- Oh, you were serious? - Yep.

Cooper?

Sorry. Busy. Come back later.

Come on, Coop.

No one here by that name. Try down the hall.

It's okay. I still have my key.

Okay, I'm changing the locks -- For real now.

And I'm hiring an armed guard.

Why didn't you make coffee?

- I'm sorry. - What are you drinking?

Hot chockie.

- Hot chockie? - Mm-hmm.

Mmm. Want me to make you one?

No, man. I want some coffee.

You don't need cof-- You don't need the caffeine.

All right, you're edgy.

Yeah, well, you know what you are -- useless,

after your grand social-media experiment went bust, man.

Can't find Natalie anywhere. She's nowhere to be found.

Oh, I got a new plan.

Really? What is it?

Listen, there's like 12 million people

in the bare-naked city, right,

and you're looking for one. - Okay.

So, you're sending up smoke signals, right,

in a city full of smokers.

I don't...

Mmm.

I don't really think --

Stop slurping.

How else am I gonna drink hot chockie?

- Will you stop calling it that? - It's so yummy.

Okay, I'm gonna kill you with a blunt object.

Cooper, I'm thinking --

You want a surgery, you call a doctor.

You need legal advice, you call a lawyer.

You want to laugh, you call a clown.

You want to find someone, you call a private eye.

- A private investigator? - Yes. Bingo taco.

Now, I know a guy who knows a guy

who helped my brother find something very important

before he was in prison.

Your brother was in prison?

No, it's the guy -- The P.I.

Yeah. He's out now. It's fine.

Are you being serious right now?

I am very serious right now.

Carter, no, I'm not hiring a P.I., or a private investigator.

What is this, 1940?

Well, call him something --

Call him "discreet investigator."

- That's worse. - Coopy --

There's no way I'm gonna hire somebody to spy on Natalie.

He's not a spy. He's a professional tracker.

There are these people, these native Americans --

beautiful people -- they're called

the Shadow Wolves. - Shadow Wolves.

- Yeah, Shadow Wolves. Yeah. - I saw the documentary.

They work for homeland security, and they track smugglers.

So you want me to hire the Shadow Wolves to find Natalie?

Yes. No. no.

But I'm saying, tracking is legit.

And this P.I. is a known quantity.

My brother totally vouches for him.

Did you already call this guy?

Is he on his way over here?

- At least he knocked. - Okay.

What is he doing?

He's touching all your stuff.

I know. Why is he touching all my stuff?

Because he's got madness to his methods.

Or just plain madness. Jesus.

So, what did Dick do for your brother?

I just can't get over that his name is Dick.

Why so?

Because you're... you're a private eye

and private eyes are also called dicks.

Is that funny to you?

- No. It's not at all. - No.

Nope.

It's, uh... it is something that's known.

Is it?

So, you think you can find her, Dick?

Oh, I can find anyone.

Yeah, that's great.

- That's great. Great news. - Yes.

- Isn't that great news, coop? - Yeah, it's great news.

Thank you so much.

All right, let's get down to business.

Okay.

So, you're, uh, looking for a woman, hmm?

- Yes. - Yes.

Ex-wife ran off with another guy, took your kid to Canada,

you want me to bring her and the kid back?

No. no.

Ex-girlfriend slept with your best friend,

stole your wallet, burned down your house?

Wow. That -- Does that happen?

Many, many times.

Talk to me.

My thing is, I met this girl, uh, at a bar,

and I didn't get her last name --

Only her first name, "Natalie," and her job.

She edits, uh, cookbooks.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Does she write the books herself or have them ghostwritten?

My nephew is driving me crazy!

Shadrach: I'm not lying, aunt Diane.

You better not be lying.

- Hey. - Oh. Hey. I'm sorry.

I didn't know you had company.

No, it's okay. Diane, this is, um, Dick.

- Your accountant? - No, I'm actually a --

Yes, he is my accountant.

And, you know, we're just getting a jump on things.

Tax time, you know how it goes. Filing and whatnot.

Oh, that's good, Jackson -- Planning ahead.

Very mature of you.

You know, I'm trying, Diane.

Actually, listen, now's not the best --

I need to use the can.

The can.

Uh, okay, it's down the hall to the right.

Did you ask this boy over here to play video games?

Uh, that's correct.

- You did? - See?

Is that all right?

You need to start hanging out with kids your own age.

No, it's fine, 'cause I'm like 15.

What?

- Yeah, mentally, he's 15. - I'm a lot of fun.

- Yeah, he's a lot of fun. - Ooh, goody.

Please, aunt Diane?

Please, aunt Diane?

All right. Be home by lunchtime.

Awesome.

Diane, take with with you, please?

No, no, you got him.

Bu-- Guys, I'm not sure --

That man is not an accountant.

Lower your voice.

- Okay. - God.

What should we do? Knock on the door?

- Yeah, we're all good. - Are we?

Yeah, I'll take your case.

Okay. Did you just decide that while you were in my bathroom?

I like you. Funny.

So...

Listen, um, I'm sorry.

- This is just a little weird. - What is?

This whole thing. I feel a little funny about it.

You, uh, having second thoughts?

No, I'm having first thoughts, actually.

I never would've called you. This was carter's idea.

So, I'm really sorry.

Let me tell you a few things about you, Mr. Cooper.

Yeah, Dick, I don't think you understand --

Your intellect would suggest you to be a pessimist,

based on the books you keep out on the shelf

and the paper copy of The New York Times

I saw in the kitchen there.

But, uh, the items in your bathroom,

they, uh, they suggest an optimist.

No bottles of Crestor or Lipitor

suggest you have no fear of dying,

a small bottle of Xanax, which -- let's face it --

Is a staple in most Manhattan medicine cabinets.

Three upscale brands of animal-testing-free conditioner

and no bottles of dandruff shampoo,

suggesting you're not worried about the future

and you enjoy living in the moment.

The fact that you met someone once

and feel like she could be the one

suggests you're a hopeful romantic.

The way you're looking at me now

suggests you're, uh, you're wondering

why you've employed a private investigator.

Do I have that right?

I...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wh-- you really think you can find her?

You give me 24 hours.

If I don't come up with something tangible,

no harm, no foul...

no charge.

Okay. Well, you know what?