Taskmaster

Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm your captain, Greg Davis, and I'm in charge of this almighty,

yet volatile warship, as it pitches wildly through task infested waters.

A brave crew will learn something new about themselves every day

before returning to dry land to immediately sack their agents.

The audience are watching from a distant island.

So let's meet the scurvy-gummed biscuit eaters of the high seas.

They are Charlotte Ritchie!

Jamali Maddix!

Lee Mack!

Mike Wozniak!

And Sarah Kendall!

And next to me is a man who's head is shaped like the rubber

at the end of a pencil and who's body is shaped like a pencil.

He's a human pencil with a killer smile, it's little Alex Horne!

Hey, a compliment! Yeah.

Thank you for my compliment. Bit of a twist. Yeah, I'll take pencil.

Let's get this chat under way, shall we? Let's do it.

I have finished maths.

I've learnt all of maths, you can ask me any sum

and I promise you I'll get it right. OK.

I put a calculator in your drawer if you want to test me? OK.

I can't turn it on.

I genuinely can't turn it on. Is there one that says on?

Sometimes it says AC and no-one knows what that means.

No, that doesn't do it. It simply doesn't work.

It's broken. I don't think this section's going to get any better

than this. I think that what's happened in the last minute

is as good as any of your other chat.

Great, let's get going!

Of course. The prize task is first on the agenda

and this time the category is the most shocking thing

that is bigger than a cat, but smaller than a pig.

Greg will have to decide which of the five items brought in

is the most shocking thing that is bigger than a cat

and smaller than a pig, and out will come his big five points.

The overall winner at the end of the episode will take home

five shocking things that are bigger than cats, but smaller than pigs.

OK, good.

Just very briefly, why did we have to have the whole cat pig thing?

So they knew what sort of size thing to bring in. Yeah. Yeah?

People say I bully you, but I think it's deserved.

Mike. Hello. Hello.

What thing have you brought in that fits this clang's criteria?

There's a controversial artist who lives in Dartmoor,

not far from me, who renders scenes from the animal kingdom

out of glass. So I despatched it to Taskmaster HQ.

OK, this is what arrived.

Oh, that's a shame.

There wasn't a lot of bubble wrap, that was the problem.

So that's broken, is it? That is, it's a great shame.

The description was a glassware sculpture depicting a scene

from the animal kingdom. Alpaca - in brackets -

shaved in flagrante delicto with gecko - in brackets -

frenzied, as robin redbreast looks on impassively.

Shock level - high. So it was a shocking scene.

I mean, I can show you the label from the courier here.

You can see it did say "ultra care deluxe super fragile delivery deal."

I did splash out for that, and it was perfect

when the courier received it.

It's a great tragedy. It's a real shame. I'm sorry about that.

Lee.

Um, I was thinking what's bigger than a cat

but smaller than a pig? A dog.

I couldn't find a shocking-looking dog.

So in the end I went for a baby's head welded onto a dog.

Do you want to see it? Yeah. Here it is.

Oh, gosh. It's one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.

It's called a realistic baby face mask and the reviews,

Brian Dee said, "Just what we needed for our holidays,

"well made, good quality."

Genuinely on Amazon, that review.

Charlotte can you beat a horrific baby dog hybrid? Yep, I can.

Confidently, I thought, 'Shocking, ' OK.

And then I thought, a big bucket of ice.

And that's what she brought in. And that's what I brought in.

Here it is.

I'm excited for you to be positive about this.

It's rubbish. OK. Absolutely rubbish.

Jamali?

Wow! All right. I brought in a mini motorbike, right?

Here it is. Oh, God. It's a mini motorbike, but check it out.

I was so focused on the size, I forgot the shocking.

So you just went with the object part of the challenge?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean to be fair, I am fairly shocked

that you forgot about the shocking part of the task.

Yeah, there you go! So that was something. There you go.

Jesus Christ. Do you know what? I'll settle with three points.

Will you? Yeah. Ill settle with four, actually.

I'll tell you, we'll call it even. Just give me three points,

and then we're good. Can we all say now what we'll settle with?

I'll settle with four. I think Lee deserves five.

Yeah, I'll settle with five. B-b-b-b-buh!

B-b-buh! Sarah?

I asked a friend of mine, cos I was kind of worried about

bringing in a good prize, so she brought out

one of her... she said it's a toy that I bought for my kid.

This is the toy.

And then she said that the tail is a butt plug. Ooh!

And then two people can sit on the ears.

And then I just said I don't think anyone else is seeing that

with that toy? Well, they're not.

I mean, in terms of shape, Greg, it does have a flanged end to prevent

the device from being lost inside the rectum, so it would work.

So it's a shocking donkey. Are you ready to score? Yep.

Are we starting? It's pretty difficult.

Are you starting at the top or the bottom?

It's not difficult to get the bottom. Why?

Well, cos someone brought in a load of ice.

Oh. Oh, I see.

I'm giving Charlotte one point.

I'm going to give all three of the weirdos three points.

Three points to Jamali, three to Mike, three to Sarah.

Pretty happy with that. The only person who brought something

that genuinely shocked me, that disgusting baby thing.

we'll give him five points. Five points to Lee Mack.

There we go. Thank you.

OK. Lay a task on me!

Sure thing.

It's time to take all our clothes off, get hot and sweaty,

and sit on some wood!

Hey, what's up? Hi, Jamali. Hey, you good?

Oh, please don't go past that rope.

Thank you.

What's that for? It's for you.

Thank you.

For you.

Thanks.

What am I missing?

Hey, what's up? What do you mean?

What's the task, man? Oh, yes, sorry.

It's on that, it's on that. Oh, it's on the towel? It's on here?

Yeah. Where's the task?

It's not far away. OK. Yeah.

Don't tell me it's, like, on me? Ahh!

Task on the towel? Can I take it off?

I see. Oh, hello.

Make the sauna stones hiss.

You must be standing behind the rope when the sauna stones hiss.

You may not move the sauna stones or this rope.

That was the first thing I thought. You may not use a hose.

Fastest wins. Your time starts now.

You don't like it when Jamali says "what's up," do you?

You don't like any kind of slang language.

But I'm doing my best. What's up?

Yeah, man. See? We cool!

Cool.

"We cool". That was... that was more irritating than the "what's up".

When you went "we cool"! We are cool!

That's more you.

Let's crack on.

So it's saunas. I like a sauna. I see the health benefits

and we're going to start with Lee Mike, Lee and Mike.

Lee Mack and Mike. Here we go.

Just got to luzz some water at them, right? Um...

"Luzz" did you say? Luzz. I was going to luzz.

Luzz some water. How are you spelling luzz?

Luzz. L-U-Z-Z.

I used to play again called Track and Field on a computer game

in the '80s, and the shot-putter would spin around.

You had to press the button at the exact moment to release it.

Oh, God, that would have worked if I had double-bagged!

Here's a good old luzzer. How are you spelling that?

No. Poor. Poor start.

Aagghhhh!

Oh, for God's sake!

Maybe I should just be luzzing it the old-fashioned way.

Nature's luzzer.

No hit.

Right.

Progress.

How do you gaffer all that together?

It's bamboo time.

Yes!

Now, let's see. Something's happening there, isn't it?

Just before I try that...

I think we all know what I'm going to do!

Sorry.

Oh, shit.

Sorry.

I'm just going to go and get some more water. Back in a moment!

Right, try and not get killed.

Here we go! Come on!

Yes!

What a shot!

Right, I've not got a very good aim, so I wonder if I need to build

a sort of structure that will help encourage the projectile

to its home.

OK. Jessica Ennis.

I've stopped the clock! Oh, there we go! Well, thank you.

Thanks, Alex. Lovely.

Lee, your final throw was pretty dramatic.

I was pumped for quite a few hours.

I went straight in, made a cup of tea and had jammy dodger.

It's true.

So, "nature's luzzer" is the first of the catchphrases

that will never catch on, that I wrote down.

"It's bamboo time" being the second.

You know, it's bamboo o'clock, tick-tock!

Hang on there. Let me just put that down on the, uh...