Succession

(ON TV) If you're joining us now, this is the update...

-(PHONE PINGS) -(SIGHS)

...on the story which is still dominating the news today.

The FBI's dramatic raid on...

Oh, man!

There's so much good shit on the Waystar raid.

Look at that.

Manifested.

You glad you're not on their team, huh, G?

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Totally.

-What's up? -Uh, no, nothing. Um...

Your dad just wants to see me, uh...

uh, like, right away in his apartment, like, right now.

Okay.

Um...

Sure.

You should go.

-Yeah? Yeah.

It means you have weight, bro. You're an asset.

I just-- I have like... this...

I have this, like, stupid worry

that I'm gonna go over

and there will be, like, goons and stooges

and rough-jacks there to administer a beating.

Well, honestly, he'll try to turn you against me.

Right?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. -And that's fine.

Because you're not gonna turn against me.

No, no, no. No!

-No way! -Are you gonna turn against me?

No way, man. I'm sturdy!

-I'm a sturdy... birdy. -That's right!

Say it three times before the cock crows, brother.

Cock-a-doodle-do!

Okay, knuckle up, Big Bird.

Ken? -Yeah?

So, they say it's super-high importance.

-Scheduled for five minutes. -Sc-- What is?

What the fuck?

You think they're-- They think they can fire me?

-No. -Yeah, okay. All right.

Hey, guys! I'm gonna need the command pod.

-Can you clear the room? Yeah.

Please speak your name after the tone.

Little Lord Fuckleroy.

Please hold while we connect you

to your conference.

(ON PHONE) Little Lord Fuckleroy.

...is now joining the call.

-Hello, hello Hi, Kendall.

You're on with, uh, Frank, Carl, Siobhan, Roman, Karolina, Hugo,

-and, um-- -Wow! Holy shit!

Gang's all here, huh? It's like the fucking...

Sergeant Pepper of broken corporate America.

Conference call jokes are just the best jokes, huh?

So, now I'm thinking maybe I should terminate

and dial back in with my own counsel.

-It's just a conversation, Ken. Oh, hey, Shiv!

Thanks for the letter.

First-rate composition.

Really fucking horrible.

I didn't say anything that wasn't true.

Oh, no?

Well, I hope it was worth it.

I don't know if me and you come back from that.

Yeah, okay, well, sure, Mom.

-(KENDALL FAKE LAUGHS) -Excuse me.

You sure you picked the right side, Shiv?

Excuse me! Excuse me! Yeah, Gerri, what?

-Kendall, we have a situation. Yeah, you do have a situation.

-Don't you? -Uh, Frank, Karl, can you talk? Um...

Frank is going to speak now.

-Hey, Ken. Hey, Frank.

Yeah, the temperature of the DOJ investigation, the raid here,

it's caused serious blowback from investors.

Yeah, thank you for that, Kendall.

Hey, accountability's a fucker.

The Feds find your nipple clamps, Karl?

Specifically, Josh Aaronson and his four percent holding.

That chiseling little fuck.

He called Gerri direct and he's thinking

of switching to Sandy and Stewy.

And noisily.

His fingers on the big red button, Ken.

We've talked to him about what we can do

and he's playing hard to get.

But...

he was interested in time in the room with you and your dad.

Together?

No.

Yeah, his thing was, I guess, to know how this goes.

He wants his pound of flesh, all right?

Uh, Kendall, he just wants to make sure

that the family business can still function.

Yeah, well, obviously, I can't meet jointly with Dad.

It's just a half hour in a lawyer's office later.

Kendall, we are four days out from the shareholder meeting.

Kendall, it's about control of the company, all right?

The vote is on a razor's edge.

We need his four percent.

Unless you think that any of us would have a bright future

with Sandy and Stewy in control of the firm.

So, um, he's suggesting in four hours...

No, no, no. No! You don't railroad me. No.

I need to run this by my team.

Me and Dad together, the optics are janky as fuck.

Come! Behave appropriately!

Oh, hey, Dad!

Come on, when have I ever not behaved appropriately?

This just doesn't work for me.

So, fuck you and God bless.

(ON PHONE) Little Lord Fuckleroy.

...has left the call.

If he doesn't go,

how bad is it?

Well, I'm hearing that the raid was just a warning shot.

So, things should settle down now.

I think I need more people.

More protection.

Dad, you have two former Deputy AG's

and the ex-head of Fraud at Main Justice.

These are the Harlem Globetrotters,

the Westchester Judge-fuckers.

The Raisin owes me everything.

And now I need a bit of fucking cover,

the forgetful cunt's gone AWOL.

I think perhaps, we have been insufficiently rigorous,

journalistically, on the President.

You think he'll respond well to a little bit of pressure?

Well, every time I call Michelle-Anne, she tells me,

"Be patient!

The cavalry is coming!"

I need leverage.

I have Connor, again.

See? See?

I'm in a corner.

Everyone wants a piece.

Everyone's out of their box. Everything's coming up fuck.

I want you on fire-watch, okay?

Yeah, okay, Dad. Absolutely.

And, uh, watch the negotiations.

Karl's a smart bastard but, uh, he likes to be liked.

-Not good. -Got it.

Okay, so can we strategize? I got potential gold here.

But I need your read on how to deploy.

Roman, could you please put your footwear on?

Uh, see, for this to work, we need, you know, boundaries.

-And-- -What, I can't take my footwear off?

Well, it's just--

What, I can't masturbate in a time and place of my choosing?

-See that? -You are building...

-That will kill us. -...a police state here, Gerri.

I found tattoo man.

-"Tattoo man"? Yup.

Funny little story. So, about fifteen-ish years ago,

Kendall's bachelor party in New Orleans,

we did this, like...

ironic bar crawl thing on Bourbon Street.

And we got chatting with this, you know,

friendly hobo.

And there was talk of, you know, various...

disgusting endeavors like, you know,

"Would the hobo eat a deep-fried deck shoe?"

You know, stupid, whatever, bullshit.

Before we settled on a rather...

indecent proposal which was to...

get the homeless man to have

Kendall's name tattooed on his forehead.

What?

Yeah, we got Kendall's initials tattooed on a rando.

And you think this is a good idea to dredge this up?

On Kendall? Woke-ahontas?

Using a poor's forehead as a Post-It?

It's fucking killer, are you kidding me?

Well, I'm not so sure.

Okay, well, we can talk about it over lunch, maybe?

Uh, not today, Roman, I have a date.

Fuck off! With who? Montgomery Clift?

-The Ghost of Christmas Past? Laurie.

-Who? -Laurie.

He's ex-DOJ.

He worked the Arthur Anderson prosecution.

I want to see if there's a back channel there.

Laurie?

And you said he wants to

back-channel you in the parking lot or--

Yeah, so, the thing is, I'm dating.

I am dating and that needs to be understood.

Okay, I get it. Yeah, yeah.

You're drawing a line.

Or otherwise, you know...

Laurie will knock my jolly old block off.

If he can...

find his sword stick and fire up his motorized bath chair.

All right.

Good morning!

Ah!

Greg.

Drink.