Cake

Professor, can I ask you a question?

Sure, Kanye, anything.

You think Drake is cool?

Yes, I still have "Hotline Bling" as my ringtone.

Yeah? What else?

Do you like his hairstyle better, his beard?

No, not better.

They're about equal.

Well, I was doing both first.

And you know what else?

That dance move, that was my idea too.

See?

This always happens to me.

I change the game, and someone else gets the credit.

See?

Grindr, my idea.

Wikipedia, iPod Nano,

the TV show "Cake Boss," all me.

Now this?

Well, fuck you, Buddy Valastro, and fuck you, Drake.

Meg, for the last time,

if you don't think Led Zeppelin

is the greatest rock band of all time,

then on some fundamental level,

you don't even understand what rock music even is.

I'm fine with that. Rock music is for dads.

It's one of the best musical genres

‐of all time. ‐Uh, nope.

That's why they call it rock music‐‐because it rocks.

Whatever, genres are for dads.

This is breaking my heart, 'cause I'm a smart guy,

and you should take my opinions seriously.

Sorry, can't hear you!

What the fuck is this music right now,

‐this mumbling shit? ‐ It's Lil Blurp's new mixtape.

Ugh, you know, this sounds like an upset stomach

somehow fucking a headache,

and I don't like how it makes me feel.

So? Feelings are for dads.

Oh, my God, will you shut up for one second about dads?

‐(phone rings) ‐JOHN: No, thanks.

‐Is that your dad? ‐Uh, no comment.

Ooh, Meg, is this a first pressing

of Swordfish Trombones?

John, you should put down that dumb record

and call your dad.

It's Sunday, man.

Yes, and I deserve one Sunday where I'm not held hostage

to my dad's go‐nowhere stories.

Ooh, what's wrong with his dad?

There's nothing with his dad!

Mr. Hunchman is the greatest guy who ever lived.

He's always like, "Oh, son, do I have

"an interesting story to share with you today!

"I bought a beige washcloth

and I used my Visa card to purchase it."

Ugh, I find that impression to be unnervingly accurate.

You should talk to your dad.

All dads are sad.

Ah, see? The dad expert hath spoken.

‐Uhh... ‐Heed her words of wisdom.

Fine, I'll talk to my dad.

‐(sighs) ‐(phone beeps)

‐Hey, Dad. ‐HUNCHMAN: Hey, bud.

I was worried you lost your phone again.

Uh‐huh, let's hear your interesting news.

So you remember how I told you last month

I was thinking about driving out to Pittsboro

to check out Dan Henry's new office?

Yes?

I went to see Dan,

who you remember started working for me

back when he was 24 and now, as you know‐‐

He's got your old job.

Yes, sir. He got my old job,

but not my old office!

John, his new office is something else.

They got a whiteboard in the conference room

that isn't even a whiteboard!

It's just a piece of glass,

and, son, it's networked.

‐Okay, and? ‐So if you write on it

in Pittsboro, they could see it at the same time

at the main branch in Charlotte!

I mean, wowie McGowie!

Okay.

But there was something else I wanted to tell you.

Well, that was a very long walk

to a surprising destination.

Dude, look, this is insane.

This is Lil Blurp's Instagram from yesterday.

"Shout‐out to my fans, my brands,

‐and, most of all..." ‐JOHN: Mm‐hmm.

"This homie right here," and guess who he's standing with.

Uh, let me guess. My dad?

Wait, your dad knows Lil Blurp?

I mean, what is happening right now?

Well, David, as I've just learned,

my dad is apparently Dicktown's biggest mumble rap mogul.

Dear Lord, we thank you for this blessing

and this miracle. This is so awesome!

What's more, he was calling with a case for us.

And, Lord, P. S., just when I thought

this couldn't get more wonderful,

you bless us with the fact that we are about to become

rap detectives, John?

Huh, I guess that's right, David.

We are now rap detectives.

Gentlemen, thanks for coming to this meeting

at such short notice.

Greg, it's past midnight.

Yeah, spit it out.

As you all know, I recently came into some money.

Yeah, you won't shut up about it.

RIP, Mom and Dad.

Well, today I made a purchase.

We're in play, boys.

We are in play.

What the fuck?

Don't touch it, Chris.

That's a catalyzed thermonuclear

pulse propulsion device.

Who knows what carnage it could unleash?

Why did you buy it?

All you guys ever do in this house

is talk about nuclear war.

‐So. ‐So you're always going on

about, "How long before World War III starts?"

It's made me a nervous wreck.

So I've done something about it.

‐ What, buy a nuclear bomb?

You said that nuclear war is inevitable, Wes.

It is if psychos like you start buying weapons.

I'm not a psycho.

It's a deterrent.

Who is it deterring?

Whoever we drop it on.

Wait, you‐‐ you actually want to use it?

I'm sick of living in fear.

The anxiety is doing my head in.

It's time to lance the boil.

‐(scoffs) I'm out of here. ‐You can't leave.

We're sealed in.

What do you mean?

This thing's massively radioactive, Chris.

It's a safety hazard,

so I welded the doors and the windows shut.

So how do we get out?

Let me guess.

We climb out the hole in the roof

that the bomb will make after we launch it.

Whoo!

Time's up. Where's your first?

37 1/2 degrees south, 88.1 degrees east.

Why do you want to bomb the southern Indian Ocean?

Uh, that's meant to be where MH370 went down,

and I want to give those people a proper burial.

Oh, you've chosen that because it's miles

from human civilization, haven't you, Wes?

I don't want to hurt anyone.

But what about the fish?

You know I care passionately about our oceans.

Fine, bomb a desert, then.

‐ Aww, poor desert.

Nuclear war is a man‐made issue, has to be a city.

All right, the city with the smallest population,

whatever that is.

That's annoying of you, Chris,

but technically within the rules.

‐Oh, yeah. ‐What?

That's the Vatican City, population 450.

The Pope goes on the board.

Fucking hell.

My turn.

I vote for Arthur Street basketball courts.

What have you got against them?

It's the site of all our worst arguments.

It has to go.

We'd just find somewhere else to argue.

There won't be anywhere else, Chris.

‐ Aw, fuck.

Wes, seeing your idea didn't make it,

you can throw the dart.

‐No way. ‐Well, it's up to you

how much radiation you want to absorb.

We can just sit here until you‐‐

Fine, give me the fucking dart.

Go easy, Wes.

Go easy with a nuclear attack?

‐Look where you're throwing. ‐I'll show you "go easy."

Ahh!

Aw, shit.

Where's it going?

To wherever the factory preset is, I guess.

Which is where?

Uh...

The Kremlin.