The GOAT

Over the course of human history, there have been many great achievements.

Fire, the automobile, laser hair removal. That was a good one.

But nothing has impacted our lives like our greatest achievement of all,

reality television,

or as I like to call it, documentaries for dumb people.

With shows like The Real World , Survivor , American Idol , Bachelor ,

reality television has transformed the landscape of popular culture forever.

But until today, nobody has dared to find out who is the actual best

at just being on a reality show.

We have scoured the Earth for the 14 greatest reality contestants

that were available during our production window.

Each episode, our contestants will face new challenges

inspired by your favorite reality shows...

-Come on! -

...for a chance to win $200 million.

Thousand, not million.

Two-hundred thousand dollars.

The stakes are high, if you take shows like this seriously.

But only one can earn the made-up title of the GOAT of GOATS.

The greatest reality TV star of all time.

Crazy.

That's cute and kind of weird at the same time.

My name is Lauren Speed-Hamilton.

I'm a reality star and I'm here to be the GOAT, baby.

Most people know me from the show, Love is Blind

where I fell in love with my husband Cameron.

I didn't even see my husband and I fell in love.

How many people have done that?

Well, now it's more seasons, but you get what I'm saying.

Hello? This is a big-ass house.

Wow!

Wow, this is, like, my dream kitchen.

Walking into this house, I'm absolutely expecting big personalities.

The competitive in me wants to win.

But if I don't win, will I cry?

I mean, then you cut to me crying, probably.

Yes, I've arrived.

- Hi! -Hi, surprise.

-You are gorgeous. -You're gorgeous, I'm Lauren,

-are you a hugger? Okay. -I'm a hugger.

I'm Jill Zarin from The Real Housewives of New York City .

Excuse me, don't you ever talk to me like that...

-Jill Zarin. ...with that tone of voice.

-Jill... -Leave then.

I think I have a reputation for being right a lot.

And the truth is, I am always right.

I still have relationships with a lot of the Housewives

but I'm excited to be here because I'm gonna meet a whole new group of people.

What?

-Oh, my gosh. - Hi!

- Reza! -Oh, my God!

No way.

-You have no idea how happy I am. -Are you okay?

I'm friends with Reza but you have to watch out the ones that come in

and we know are a threat.

He's going to want to cut me, I'm going to want to cut him.

-How you doing? - Coming in hot.

-What's up? - Teck, I know he's dangerous

because he's been on The Challenge.

- Hi! -Hello.

Then you've got, like, Paola.

- Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you, too.

I mean, honestly, 90 Day Fiancée is my personal favorite show.

Another young, hot blonde.

Okay. All right, look at this.

My name is Joey Sasso,

Most people probably know me from winning The Circle on Netflix.

One-hundred thousand dollars!

What's up, boss?

- - What?

-What's up? -Oh, my God!

The first person I see is my friend Lauren.

That is my girl, we were both on Netflix shows.

And it made me so happy right off the jump

to have a friend who's in the house that I know I can trust.

- Hey... - Hi.

My name is Kristen Doute.

If anybody in the House thinks that they actually know me from Vanderpump Rules,

then they have another thing coming to them.

-I cheated on you. I did. -Two in one weekend.

-Oh, my God, Reza. -What's up, Kristen Doute?

When you see another person from Bravo, you're like, "ha-ha,"

because we know what we've been through to get up in there, you know?

Who is it?

What's up, bro?

- Bachelor. - Bachelor.

I'm Joe, you may know me as Grocery-Store Joe

from The Bachelorette , Bachelor in Paradise.

Are you nervous?

I think I am, yeah, maybe, maybe a little bit.

It is great to be back on reality TV.

It makes me who I am as a person.

Plus, it's all I can do, so this is my full-time job.

Oh, my gosh, we got someone new.

My name's CJ Franco. I did a show called FBoy Island.

That's just the bottom of the barrel.

It's only up from here. I hope.

- Did you find love? -On FBoy Island ?

-Yeah. Why not? - I did not.

I think what's gonna make me successful is that people underestimate me.

When you put in 10% all the time,

people are like, "Oh, that's just so cute, she's at 10%."

And then, boom, 45%. Right there.

-Hello! -What's up?

Hey!

It is me, Da'Vonne Rogers, you know this face,

you know this voice for sure, okay?

Of course, you know me, from Big Brother and The Challenge .

-Thank you, Da'Vonne... -Of course.

...for changing my life and my family's life.

Please cast your vote to evict.

I vote to evict Da'Vonne.

We made an agreement,

come to find out, you know, she was gunning for me.

I was trying to be everybody's friend.

I ain't doing none of that.

Hi, beautiful, how you doing? Nice to meet you.

I don't need no alliance right now.

We don't even need to talk about the game.

Where you from? What was your childhood like? Do I care? Not really.

We're coming in cutthroat this time.

- Hello! -Hi!

Well, lord, honey, children, how are y'all?

I'm Jason Smith and most people know me from Best Baker in America.

I'm the epitome of a Southerner

and a really old grandmother all rolled up into one.

We gotta make sure Jason stays in this house

-so we eat good the entire time. - That's right,

I can put the biscuits and the gravy on the table.

-Whiplash. - My type of person.

-Knock, knock. -What's up, brother?

What up, dude?

I'm Wendell Holland

and you probably know me from winning Survivor , season 36: Ghost Island .

-Wendell. -

What show are you from?

-I'm from Survivor , guys. -

I've always been like, very athletic,

did very well in college, did very well in law school,

got on this dream show of mine, Survivor, and I've won it.

It wasn't easy, but I won it.

So I think I'm one of the greats

because I have it right here. I have it in me.

You won a million dollars?

Yes. Big target on this guy now.

Hey, there. Tayshia!

My name is Tayshia Adams I am from The Bachelor,

Bachelor in Paradise and from The Bachelorette.

Marry me.

Yes.

I found love. Unfortunately, it didn't pan out.

No! Yes, of course I am.

- -

So nice to meet you.

I feel like I am right back in Bachelor mansion

except for that I'm not dating 20 guys.

I haven't done this in so long, this is so weird.

- No, you're doing... -I'm actually starting to get hot.

Oh, my God, I'm getting PTSD.

-Hi, Da'Vonne, nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

-What the... -

You're kidding me, right?

Tayshia and I are friends.

I had no idea she was coming here.

I just started shaking, are you kidding?

We've been in the Bachelor franchise three or four years.

She's definitely someone that I'll work with for sure.

-Look, I was good, and now... -S'up.

Oh, man.

- We got one mas . - One more.

- We got one more. - One more.

Definitely gotta be a guy, right?

-Or it may not be. - Or it might not be.

Yeah!

My name is Justin Johnson,

also known as the Grand Dame Diva herself, Alyssa Edwards.

Now, some of you might know me from RuPaul's Drag Race

Look at me.

My life has always been a reality television program.

So wait, there's one more... Who's hosting this thing?

Hey! Oh, my God!

My God! Welcome to GOAT Manor.

I'm your host, comedian Daniel Tosh.

No, Tosh, we told you. You don't need to do an interview.

As a fan of reality TV,

I'm extremely excited to go on this journey with you.

Dude, Tosh.0 is the...

Very nice of you.

We interrupt our normal hysterical show

with a Tosh.0 exclusive.

I've done the first 40 years of my life skinny.

I wanna do the last 40 years yoked as shit.

There you up, squeeze the bicep at the top.

Fuck this.

That show is canceled.

We have Tosh as the host.

Okay, first of all, I am such a fan.

I was on hold for, like, being a model on one of his projects

for, like, two weeks and they never used me.

All right, you might be asking, why am I here?