Episodes

It's all gonna be better. You'll see.

I'm gonna be better.

- D.U.I.? - You got me.

Looks like we did.

Carol's getting Merc's job. I'm not good with secrets.

- Are you serious? - Please, you cannot repeat this.

Wait. So it's not Castor Soto?

Hmm?

No, I've never met him. But come on!

Castor Soto!

What a coup.

I spent a night here with rob.

What night?

Wednesday.

Oh!

Gah! Oh-h-h!

You...

You slept with Rob?

Yes.

You "slept with him" slept with him?

I-I...

Did.

You only dated him, what... twice?

Right, twice.

So, on 50% of your dates, you slept with Rob.

Or you... you could say

I only slept with him on half our dates.

Wow.

- What? - Nothing. I just...

I never thought of you as...

What?

Easy.

Easy?

Well, you wouldn't sleep with me until our fifth date.

You were married.

So are we!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Do not go there.

You categorically told me we were over.

Right.

In fact, the night that Rob and I...

N-n-n-n...

I actually called

and asked if you wanted me to cancel my date.

And what did you say?

"Go. Go."

I meant "go on a date," not "go fuck him"!

Oh...

God!

Why did you have to tell me?

Would you rather I'd lied?

- Maybe. - Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't think you'd want to sleep in the same bed...

Oh, believe me... we are not sleeping in this bed.

Yaah!

Ugh!

So where are we gonna sleep?

Don't know. Maybe I should just go home.

No. You are home.

And we're not spending our first night back together apart.

Look, I'm hating this as much as you are...

Uh-huh.

...but we've got to move forward.

What's done is done.

- You slept with Morning. - I slept with Rob.

And Matt.

We're still counting that?

Oh, it counts.

You were with two people. I was only with one.

True, but I slept with two people only once.

You were with one person twice,

so, in effect... apples to apples...

I think we're even.

And I think your maths only works

if you're fucking the apples.

Look, I'm just trying to help us get through this.

How? How can I get through this?

Maybe if he wasn't so handsome...

Which one?

Both.

How can I compete with that?

You had a world-famous TV star

and a hunk that drives a truck.

He drives a truck.

Well, Morning's no slouch.

Ah. She's probably twice as old as both your guys.

Even so, that body, those big tits...

Oh, you did very well, my friend.

I suppose.

You did.

And now it's time to put all that behind us.

We agreed... fresh start.

Fresh start.

Right?

Clean slate.

Clean slate.

What? What are you thinking about?

Your dirty slate.

Yo.

Matt, I just got off the phone with Diane's lawyer.

Oh, fuck.

He told me about the D.U.I.

The D.U.I. with the kids in the car.

Got to say, didn't see that coming.

It's bullshit. I was so not drunk.

Believe me... I've driven drunk.

I know the difference.

I hope you told the cops that.

Did you have any alcohol at all?

Like two glasses of champagne, three tops.

And the boys were in the car?

Does it help that I was taking them to Disneyland?

It does not.

So, what do we do about Diane?

I have no idea.

You have no idea? You're my lawyer.

Yeah, well, I'm thinking of leaving the law...

Starting a zoo.

Because I seem to have discovered

the only animal in the known world

that can actually fuck itself.

Wow.

Please don't take this the wrong way, Matt,

but you are the worst client I ever had, seriously.

I'd happily trade you

for two Mel Gibsons and a Tiger Woods.

Jesus!

As far as the D.U.I.,

this is your first offense, amazingly,

so we can probably get you off with a little community service.

As far as Diane, you're on your own.

Jesus!

Yep. The new guy's changing everything.

Time to get out the old résumés.

Well, I think that's premature.

I don't have a résumé.

How do you not have a résumé?

This is the only place I've ever worked.

Well, except for the summer after college.

I was one of the Snow Whites at Disneyland.

I never knew that.

I worked the Graveyard Shift.

Well, I think it's way too soon

to start packing up our desks.

Come on. You know he's gonna bring in his own people.

No, we don't. we haven't even met him yet.

He might want to keep things intact.

Seriously? And not clean house?

He's throwing out merc's toilet.

Mm.

Stop it.

We need to stay positive.

I have a good feeling about this.

- You do? - I don't.

Well, I really do.

I am so fucked.

No way this guy isn't gonna clean house.

Well, you haven't even met him yet.

I don't need to. It's what I would do.

But you're brilliant at your job.

Why wouldn't he want to keep you?

Because I'm brilliant at it.

Okay, you know what you mean, but...

You never want someone who can do your job better than you can.

Why do you think I've got Andy and Myra?

Plus, if this guy finds out

they offered me the job before him, forget it!

Fucked!

Normally, at this point,

I would try and be encouraging...

Yeah, no point in that.

That's what I'm thinking.

How did this happen?

Last week, they're asking me to run the network,

and tomorrow, I'm gonna be blowing guys just to get a job.

- Figuratively. - Of course.

For the record, I've never blown anyone for a job.

Impressive!

Mm-hmm.

- Oh, wait. - There we go.

When I first started out,

I gave a handjob to the head of development at nickelodeon.

Nickelodeon?!

He was an adult.

It's for kids, not run by kids.

Oh. Right.

I suddenly had an image.

Yeah, like I'd Jack off some 12-year-old for a job.

I really don't think I would.

Good.

Unless it was like some amazing...

Stop talking. Yeah, okay.

Good morning.

Hey.

How was the weekend?

All right.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Bullshit.

What's going on?