The Millers

Nathan!

How much longer is this game gonna last?

Can't really talk, mom. Not a great time.

I have a hair appointment at 2:00.

If we're late, my stylist will skip my scalp massage.

That's my favorite part!

What, you got a beauty date with mommy?

Gonna get a mani-pedi?

Yeah, not pedis.

It's winter, idiot.

Yoo-hoo!

Do you know when this game is gonna be over?

Nobody knows, Carol.

It's sudden-death overtime.

How long is that gonna take?

Hard to tell.

We're both so evenly matched...

It's over.

Hey, man, what happened?

Your mother happened!

The Millers S01E13 "Driving Miss Crazy"

Excuse me. Sorry to intrude.

Don't be embarrassed. I know it's cold on the ice.

Mom, mom... mom. What are you doing? What are you doing?

Well, what are you doing, Mr. Dilly-Dally?

You're gonna make me miss my scalp massage.

Last time, she hit a pressure point

that made me burst into a song

that I hadn't sung since you were a baby.

I wonder if I can find it again.

We're going out for beers to discuss playoff strategies.

Yeah, I... I'd love to, but, uh, I can't.

My mom doesn't drive, and Saturday is errand day.

I'm sorry, Ray,

but we have so much to do.

After the salon, I have to buy a bra,

refill my dry-mouth pills,

pick up "get well" balloons for my cousin,

stock up on craft supplies,

get my pants hemmed into capris,

oh, and buy a new razor to smooth out

my soon-to-be on display calves.

I'm gonna do you a favor

and tell the guys you got diarrhea.

Thanks, man.

That's the spot.

The ladies say hello.

You should've come in with me.

You could've gotten your brows done.

Mom, I don't wax my brows.

I told you, these are naturally sculpted.

You were wrong.

They will exchange a half-eaten bag of baby carrots.

$40 to clean a comforter, my foot.

You and I will just wash this in the bathtub.

Toilet paper was on sale.

Oh! Forgot my calcium chews.

Oh, wait! I thought these were the orange calcium chews.

These are licorice.

I'll be right back.

I got the orange calcium chews.

But you know what?

You're starting to think about the licorice again.

I think it might be fun to try something new.

So fun.

What are you doing?

Just get in the driver's side.

I want to show you something great.

I don't know why we're playing these games.

We still have three more places to go.

Four, if the toilet's still broken

in the public library.

That thing went bananas on me last time.

Okay. What do I have to sit here to see?

That woman in the rearview mirror.

Take a look.

Today, she learns how to drive.

Oh, no.

No, no, Nathan.

I... I can't drive.

I am going to teach you.

I can't keep driving you around.

Plus, this will make you more independent.

Trust me, your father tried to teach me once,

but it was a disaster.

Oh, come on! You just... channel some of that determination

you have inside you.

When I was breech,

who reached up and flipped me around?

The doctors?

No.

You.

You can do this.

How's everybody else's Saturday going?

Oh, boy.

Looks like someone's teaching your mother to drive.

Who leaves a tricycle

where someone can accidentally drive up

on the sidewalk and hit it?

I told Nathan I couldn't drive, but he wouldn't listen.

I am unteachable.

No, you're not.

You just refuse to be taught.

I can teach anyone anything.

Growing up, all our dogs could use the toilet.

Then why is your aim so pathetic?

Hey.

Dinner's just about ready.

Why is there a bumper in the...

Oh, did someone try and teach mom how to drive?

Yes, but for no reason.

I get by fine.

I don't need to learn to drive.

Uh, yeah, you do.

'Cause I need my life back.

Okay? I can't sacrifice every weekend

driving you around so you can run errands.

Look, Nathan, if you want a day off,

Adam can drive mom around tomorrow.

Adam can?

Wow, great. That'd be amazing.

By the way, uh,

Debbie, I need to talk to you

about something completely unrelated to this.

Can we go in the kitchen for a second?

Um, sure, yeah.

- What do we need to... - Something unrelated.

- God, okay, what's wrong? - What's wrong? Your mother and I

are not meant to be in confined spaces together.

Right? It's like asking the chicken to drive the fox.

You're gonna wind up with a car full of blood and feathers.

Oh, come on. It's not a big deal.

And think of all the stuff Nathan does for us, you know.

Rent money, free appliances.

You don't limp anymore

because he paid to have your right leg lengthened.

And your left, when they went overboard on your right.

Your mother and I have nothing in common.

That's why she always sets my dinner plate

at the island with Mikayla,

- so she doesn't have to talk to me. - Oh, come on.

She doesn't do that on purpose.

And you know what? Driving my mom around

will give you a chance to get to know her better.

You might even have fun. Who knows?

I know. You won't.

Yeah.

Just kill me.

I can't be alone in a car with Adam.

We only have two topics to talk about:

the weather and yesterday's weather.

I'll just take the bus.

Or... there's a third topic:

your granddaughter Mikayla.

Or you could take a bus. In which case, every time you want to get off,

you got to pull that cord

that the homeless guy dries his socks on.

Fine.

Hey!

There's my handsome chauffer.

She's poking me. Carol is poking me. (laughs)

If this was anybody else, it would be very annoying.

Okay, maybe we should all just sit down and eat.

Food smells good.

Mikayla, dinner's ready!

Adam, this is for you.

A big helping for my new driving buddy.

How about we park you right over here

- on the island? - Ah.

- Thank you, Carol. - Uh-huh.

Mikayla, why don't you share with your dad and your grandma

anything new going on in your life.

That could be a, uh, lively topic for continued discussion.

I got nothing.

Great. Now we just got two topics left to talk about.

Hey, you guys believe

how cold it was today?

Almost as cold as yesterday.

And we're done.

Good evening...

Dear sister.

You look lovely.

And there he is... my wonderful father.

Who smells vaguely of cinnamon.

I accidentally used mouthwash as shampoo.

Good for you!

Well, somebody's in a good mood.

Yeah, that's 'cause, while Adam was driving mom around,

I slept in till 1:00 and started my Sunday

watching football and drinking bloody marys,

and ate my lunch out of a mixing bowl,

and took a nap on the kitchen floor, just 'cause.

Then I went out without a jacket on.

Had to come back and get one,

but it was still... It was all my decision.

Just remember, this happy day was brought to you by your sister Debbie

when she asks you for new tires.

By the way, I need new tires.

I know how sweet it is

to have a Sunday away from your mother.